Happy Valentines Day

This post is going to be a bit of a mess, because I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it. So, here's a bit of everything:
Relationships
I'd say that I haven't had a lot of relationships; the usual 'holding-hands-in-the-playground' kind of thing, the odd flirt with the boys in the year above in High School, and then Ronnie. I'm not going into details about our relationship because it's one of the few things that I regard as private. We were together for three years with half of that being when we were engaged; and the entirety of it being when I was at my most poorly. We became official in January 2009 and I started hearing voices in the June; so he was there from the beginning but strangely, we never really talked about my hallucinations and suicidal tendencies, yet he was still by my side. He would take me to hospital, sit with me in A&E, hold my hand through the needles and visit me when I had been admitted. One memory in particular was when they drilled into my shin bone and it was the worst pain I'd ever experienced. I was holding/crushing his hand the entire time. This did mean that the majority of our time together was spent in waiting rooms, A&E, and visiting rooms. But still, we did fun stuff too: road trips, weekends away, nights out... All of these memories and the fact I have a wedding planner, means Ronnie will always have a little place in my heart. Personally, it is essential that you get yourself out of a relationship when it stops making you happy.

My crushes
The socially acceptable one: Alfie Deyes aka Pointless Blog

And the weird one: Jon Richardson

My girl crush: Zoella aka Zoe Sugg - 

What I look for in a man (all who qualify, please email me! aimeewilson@live.co.uk
Funny, attractive (not too skinny, facial hair, not much taller than me!), romantic, same taste in music, supportive, a cat lover (CRUCIAL!), understanding, brave, protective, kind, comforting, likes horror movies, isn't a party animal, hard worker, passionate, helpful, similar future plans as me (regarding home life etc.), devoted, same age or older, tidy, living nearby

My thoughts on love
Everyone should experience unconditional love at least once in a lifetime. When love hurts you're allowed to be sad for a while, but you have to get back up, dust yourself off and learn from it. Don't give up on love if you have a bad experience of it. Don't pressure yourself into finding love by a certain age. You can love someone (romantically) and the relationship still end. Don't make rules for yourself e.g. "if he cheats it's over," because the circumstances might change such a rule. Don't just take interest in those who are your 'type.' It can hurt, but it's still one of the greatest feelings in the world. If you feel that you don't deserve love (a usual thought in those with mental ill health) then you'll never give yourself the chance to disprove this.

My favourite romantic movies (in no particular order):
1. The Fault In Our Stars - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2582846/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Buy it: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fault-Our-Stars-DVD/dp/B00JLC57OW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1455200871&sr=8-2&keywords=the+fault+in+our+stars
2. If I stay - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1355630/
Buy it: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stay-DVD-Chloë-Grace-Moretz/dp/B00N4W4M4Q/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1455201542&sr=8-2&keywords=If+I+stay
3. Just Married - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0305711/?ref_=nv_sr_2
Buy it: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Married-DVD-Ashton-Kutcher/dp/B00009WW28/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1455201824&sr=8-4&keywords=just+married
4. Beauty and the Beast - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101414/
Buy it: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beauty-Beast-DVD-Gary-Trousdale/dp/B00KLC7XZ2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1455202092&sr=8-1&keywords=beauty+and+the+beast
5. Remember Me - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1403981/?ref_=nv_sr_3
Buy it: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Remember-Me-DVD-Robert-Pattinson/dp/B003FTABUM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1455202199&sr=8-1&keywords=remember+me

Not in a relationship?
This year, I'll be spending Valentines Day at home with Dolly (my cat). In Hospital, I was taught about using the skill of self-soothing to pick up my mood and just generally make me feel better. So this it what I'll be doing on the 14th. I'm going to do no work; no blogging, no meetings, no events etc. I'm going to have a lie-in, watch tons of YouTube, do some beauty pampering, eat lots of calorie filled goodness, watch a horror and have regular Facebook, Twitter and Instagram refreshing and scrolling sessions.
If you haven't got a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, then that doesn't mean you can't take advantage of the day when we celebrate love. Treat yourself. Do something to make yourself smile. Indulge in guilty pleasures. Be grateful for those in your life that love you and who you love e.g. family and friends.

If you're in need of A LOT of love this Valentines, then check out my post from valentines 2015 

''This award just shows that the work I'm doing is making a difference" - A guest blog by Jack Wilson

Early on in Secondary School my friends from Primary School and I, started to drift apart as our separate classes meant they started to form new friend groups. I wasn't accepted into any of them, I was always getting left out and felt like I didn't belong with them any more. I started spending my time alone, wandering the halls, while all my “friends” were hanging out with their new groups. Over the next month I began to experience bullying in school; I was teased and called names every so often by a group of 9 older lads. Eventually, this moved on to become more frequent and the bullying started to get physical with the odd push and punch here and there, this continued up until November 2009; when they attacked me on the school bus. I was goaded into going upstairs before one of the boys grabbed me by the throat and the others kicked me; I thought 'is this it? Are they actually going to kill me?' When the attack finally ended, all I wanted to do was cry but I couldn't at risk of embarrassing myself in front of everyone on the bus. After the Christmas holidays, the bullying resumed and on January 14th 2010  I was attacked again when one of the bullies pushed me off the bus. The shame and humiliation of being bullied meant that I was reluctant to see medical help for the physical pain I began experiencing in the leg that had been hurt when I was pushed. X-Rays, medical tests and the use of crutches meant that I never returned to mainstream education and completed my GCSE's through the Hospital and Home Tuition Service. 

On a routine appointment with my GP, I admitted that I didn't feel 'quite right' and was referred to CAMHS, where I finally reported the bullying and the extent of it and was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that had caused anxiety and depression. I had medication and various therapy treatments e.g. CBT and EMDR. 

My own ill mental health inspired me to begin volunteering with YoungMinds. At this point in time YoungMinds had a partnership going with Youth Focus: North East to set up a North East Region Wide Mental Health Youth Board (now known as Change UR Mind) I started to get involved with this exciting project as well as it was just in the setting up phase so it gave me a great chance to use my experience of mental health issues to set up this youth board. The next YoungMinds campaign was 'Vs' and I became the face for the Anti-Bullying section of the campaign; I got to attend the national launch at the Houses of Commons where I met Ed Milliband, Frankie from the Saturdays and other MPs. Through YoungMinds Vs I have also attended the Labour Party Conference where I met Barry Sheerman (MP for Huddersfield in the past government) and was asked by him to go to his office in London at a later date with some other YoungMinds Vs Activists to talk to him more about the campaign and if there was anything he could do! 

I loved my time volunteering for these projects and I wanted to see more of the behind the scenes workings of the groups and projects so I started volunteering on the admin team at Youth Focus: North East, one day a week, which led to a paid summer placement with them on the admin team. From this all it has helped me realise that I wanted to become a youth worker to help other young people the way I have been helped. I was elected to be the Children and Young People's Service User Governor and this has been one of the best experiences of my life as it has given me so many different chances to have a voice and let other service users’ voices be heard within the Northumberland Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation trust. In August 2014 I was taken on by Youth Focus: North East as a Level 2 Youth Work Apprentice after I had come across Level 2 Youth Work Practice Training earlier that year delivered by Youth Force. When I got the news they were going to open up a Youth Work Apprenticeship for me I was over the moon and couldn’t believe it, finally things were going in the direction I wanted them too! My apprenticeship has given me so much more of an insight into youth work and just how projects are developed, funded and ran. With everything in life it can get stressful at times, but the good times and experiences completely outweigh these and I am so happy I am training to be a Youth Worker with Youth Focus: North East as I couldn't ask for a more friendly charity to work for! 

In February of this year I also won the Deputy Prime Ministers Mental Health Hero Award for the North East of England. When I found out my Mam had nominated me for it and I had actually won out of 900 nominees, it was truly amazing! So on the 5th February I attended the Time to Change, Time to Talk event in London where Nick Clegg the Deputy Prime Minister presented me and the other winners from the regions with their awards. It was such a fantastic evening and one I will remember for the rest of my life!  To know I won this award for all the volunteering and work I have done is magical. I never thought I would ever be recognised like that. I want to help other people, but to get this award just shows that the work I am doing is making a difference and that makes me so happy! 

For my future, I hope to continue my volunteering and go onto my Level 3 in Youth Work Practice whilst also transitioning from CAMHS to Adult Services when I turn 18. I hope that eventually with the right support, I will be able to live without needing to rely on treatment and medication. I know if I want that to happen there is so much hard work ahead of me, but I know with my supporting family and treatment I can get there! 

If I am to leave you all with one thing in your head that would be “If there is ever anything worrying you please do not bottle it up. From my experience I know there is the possibility this can make you feel so much worse! Never keep your emotions or feeling locked up. No matter who you talk to whether that is a partner, family member, friend, professional, teacher etc. please talk to someone. You never know it might just be the best decision you ever make, I know it was for me! 

Jack's Contact Details

jacksdwilson1997@gmail.com 

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008411916806&fref=ts

I've Been An Idiot

So, I finally have the confidence to blog about something that I haven't ever talked about on here; my love life. When my anger lessens, I might regret this but at the moment I am so angry and hurt that I'm not thinking about any complications this post might cause.
I was in a relationship for three years and it was... Well it began about six months before my first overdose and so, this person was with me from the beginning. We seemed to be opposites on the surface but we had lots of good times together and he was always so loving and supportive.
While we were together, I was introduced to another guy. We didn't talk so much at first but as the years went on and his family went through a massive ordeal I found us spending time together. As soon as I realised I had feelings for him, I ended my relationship because it wouldn't have been fair.
We spent time getting to know each other. I remember when I was in a medical hospital for a week and he came to visit me and we had a lovely time. He talked to me about the day his life changed forever and I felt so honoured to have him share those things with me. After he left the women in the bay of beds I was in were like 'you've got a good one there.'  And I smiled. As my mental health deteriorated I wasn't able to tell him what was going on; at the time, no one knew what I was doing. But then I was admitted to my local psychiatric hospital and I desperately needed a friend with a car to bring me an overnight bag. I asked this guy. Once I told him where I was, he stopped texting me. He went on holiday and when he got back, he was messaging me like nothing had happened. Normally, that would have done it for me; I'm not one to be treat like shit by a guy and put up with it but things were different with this guy... Right from when I begun to take an interest in boys, I was never the desperate one. I actually was a bit of a commitment phobia. But I found myself losing all of my usual independence and strength with this guy.
After talking, I confronted him about his silence. He stopped messaging me again. Usually, and with any other guy, that would've been it. I would have left it well alone; but not with him. Instead, I just told myself not to bring it up again.
He invited me to some important events and I met his family. When he was alone in the house one time, he asked me to sleep over. And one night I dropped all of my plans to go on a random drive with him to a shitty hotel for the night!
He invited me to a family memorial service and even though I'd met the family member, I was crying because all I wanted to do was sit with this guy and support him on such a hard day. And I couldn't. And that hurt.
Since I've been at this hospital, I was sent some flowers and they turned out to be from him. I was so unbelievably happy to hear they were from him and he told me he was apologising for being selfish. He has no idea as to how long I'd wanted to hear that. He told me things would change now and that we'd keep in touch. Just as I was beginning to get over him, he got my hopes up that there was still a chance for us to be an 'us.' It was unfair. But I never said this to him. And I sent a ridiculous/desperate amount of messages to him over the course of about eight months. I got no replies. I told myself that if I could just see him one more time then I could get over him. I let him know every time I was going home but got no replies. And when I seen him at the shops and my heart skipped a beat, I knew I had to keep trying.
I'm actually embarrassed to admit to all of this, especially as this isn't what I'm usually like.
So, what has triggered this post? The biggest day of his life has happened. And I had no idea it was happening. Or that he was considering such a thing.
All I have ever done is been supportive and caring. If he'd just told me he didn't have those feelings or if he hadn't kept leading me on when he knew how I felt about him then I could've moved on so much earlier.