So, I’ve
thought long and hard about this blog post because it feels like such a
momentous occasion; fifteen years since the abuse ended. It’s such a milestone,
one that needs the blog post about it to be as equally special and important… So,
I hope that what I say will improve your general understanding of abuse and its
aftermath, and that in doing so, will provide a better chance of someone feeling
really supported and that their experience is appreciated and validated…
“Why am I letting you comfort me?” He stared over her head.
“Because I’ve made sure you have no one else to turn to”
Kresley Cole
For so long I thought that the abuse I went through had started on
a particular date, but during the eventual process of reporting it to the
Police, they told me that the days prior to that first abusive act, were the
actual beginning. I was groomed. Manipulated so that when the abuse did start,
I experienced contradictory thoughts and feelings.
My first real interaction with my abuser was after I had been
attacked on my way to school one morning and I began having panic attacks and
flashbacks. So, my abuser offered to be the designated person for me to go to
when I was struggling. Since the Police have labelled this as grooming because
they believe he was planning the abuse the whole time; I feel kind of stupid
for not being even the slightest bit suspicious. But I guess that’s why he made
that suggestion – because he thought that in doing so, either no one would
guess what he would go on to do, or no one would believe me if I reported the
abuse.
It wasn’t just about other people though. Having my abuser be a
bit of a confidante for me at first meant that when he did start to hurt me, my
first thought was that I deserved it. I mean, why else would he turn from being
such a kind, thoughtful person to being my worst enemy? It had to be my fault because
I couldn’t believe someone could be capable to make such a U-turn in their
personality, behaviour, and attitude. It meant that in providing me with that
support the first few times I voluntarily visited his office before the abuse
started, I initially struggled to feel resentment or hatred towards him. It was
almost as though he’d created his own little protective shield.
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