THE MOST TRANSPARENT BLOG POST I’VE EVER WRITTEN

“Transparency fosters a sense of trust and provides serious motivation.”

Billy Boughey

Now, I’m very uncomfortable referring to myself as an Influencer but having the number of readers that my blog has (there’s over 2.3 million of you lovely people!), the fact others have labelled me it, and that I’ve been working with the Celebrity and Influencers Relationship Manager of Cats Protection – and I’m certainly not a Celebrity! – I think it’s perhaps time I try to accept it and own it! So, in a conversation I was in recently, there was talk about the fact that so many people can form opinions of an Influencer’s life, without recognising or realising that the content they see, is what the Influencer has chosen to let you see. It’s not their entire life. Their entire story. I’d like to think my mental health blog and the content I produce on social media (particularly I’m NOT Disordered’s brand-new Instagram: @imnotdisordered) is more balanced, transparent, and honest. So, in this post, I’m going to chat through more about that conversation and the thoughts and opinions within it, my thoughts on being deemed an Influencer, why I think my content is different, a ton of transparent insight into blogging and social media. As a sort of sidenote: I’ll be creating another ‘most transparent blog post…’ about mental health soon…

BLOGVEMBER 2024 | DAY THREE | FINDING IDEAS & INSPIRATION

ALL MY THOUGHTS ON BEING ‘THE BOSS’ | WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY 2024

This year, the theme of World Mental Health Day is ‘it’s time to prioritise mental health in the workplace.’ Because of this theme, I decided to prioritise the news article for the Shake My Hand Campaign website before writing one for I’m NOT Disordered. Over on Shake My Hand, you’ll find a piece full of advice on managing your mental health in the workplace, and if you scroll back through the Campaign’s social media (Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram) from Monday (the 7^th), you’ll find daily quotes from my Volunteers about how they manage their mental health alongside their volunteering. So, I wondered what was left to write about for I’m NOT Disordered, and realised that my blog is really all about providing insight into my life and perhaps into mental health in general sometimes too, so I thought I’d write about all my thoughts surrounding me being ‘the boss’ at the Campaign and give you some thoughts and tips on managing your mental health when you’re in a senior role…

DISCHARGE AFTER 35 DAYS ON THE CRISIS TEAM’S CASELOAD

“The power we discover inside ourselves as we survive a life-threatening experience can be utilised equally well outside of crisis too. I am, in every moment, capable of mustering the strength to survive again – or of tapping that strength in other good, productive, healthy ways.”

Michele Mosenthal

Having had a horrific psychiatric hospital admission in February this year (which resulted in filing a complaint to CQC and discovering the ward I was on ended up on the news because they had actually been put under ‘Special Measures’ in their most recent inspection) I found myself briefly under the care of the Crisis Team before being transferred to the Step-Up Team. However, I quickly established the realisation that they were actually making things worse – I felt that I was almost feeling pressured to be poorly so as to not waste their time and to feel deserving of their efforts! Apparently upon discharging me, the Step Up Team told my Mum that I self-refer back to them so when – a few months later – I found myself struggling again, I gave them a call, and on August 23^rd I had an assessment with someone from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). She validated that my current symptoms and the reasons for my lack of safety are completely different to those when I struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and said she would be recommending I go under the care of the Crisis Team. Two days later – August 25^th – I was put on their caseload…

22 THOUGHTS FOR 2022 | HAPPY NEW YEAR!! | PART TWO

Part One:

http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2021/12/22-thoughts-for-2022-happy-new-year.html

12. MEDICATION PLANS & GOALS

During a short – but still dangerous – relapse, a few months ago, my GP spoke with a Psychiatrist and agreed to increase my antipsychotic medication. They decided that it would be for a few months so I’m kind of expecting the GP to contact me in the next month or so to reduce it. 

Thing is, having seen just how terrible and unsafe I felt before the increase, and to now experience a sensation of positivity and to have found passion for maintaining good health; I don’t know if I’m going to want the dose to go back down. I mean, how could I possibly want to put my own safety at risk? And I think that the fact I’ve ended up on life support and in Intensive Care twice as a result of suicide attempts,  has really shown me just how unsafe things can get. The thought of going back to those feelings, thoughts, and behaviours has me terrified because I honestly believe that I won’t make it through it all a second time round. 

When I was in hospital in December for my first smear, the Anaesthetist was asking me all these questions and going through my medication when he commented that I was ‘on quite a lot!’ And it made me think about when it all got to the point where I now take 22 tablets per day… I realised that almost all of them were prescribed whilst I was in the specialist psychiatric hospital for two and a half years. That realisation worried me that maybe it meant that I’d been in a place that’s a bit prescription happy. Like, maybe they just prescribed medications more easily than a GP would…? And did that mean that I didn’t need to be on as many medications as I am?

22 THOUGHTS FOR 2022 | HAPPY NEW YEAR!! | PART ONE

So, I’ve spent quite a while thinking up a title and format for this blog post; because I think there’s a lot of pressure for the first piece of content of a New Year. It’s like you’re setting the tone for the rest of the year. Like, this one post is giving readers an idea of the quality of the content they can expect for the rest of the year. As though a reader will take one look and decide – based on that one post – whether or not to continue reading. So, with that in mind (and hoping that this isn’t a the wrong decision and a complete disappointment!) , I finally settled on ’22 thoughts’ so that I could include all the bits and pieces that have come to my mind when I considered what I wanted to write about in this post...

1.   BLOGMAS WENT KINDA WELL, DIDN’T IT?!

It’s taken me a long time to learn how important it is to have insight into some of the biggest things in my life. I mean first it was with my mental health… A year or so after my mental health first started to deteriorate, professionals had started labelling me as an attention seeker and deemed me a waste of their time and resources. I really struggled with feeling so misunderstood, but I also had a sense of appreciation for their opinions on me. I mean, I recognised that if I didn’t have even a remote sense of insight into my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, then how could I expect anyone else to have the ability to make sense of them?! I get that, as mental health professionals, a lot of those who treat me with disdain and a lack of respect shouldn’t have done that; regardless of whether there was insight or not! But the point is, I can appreciate their struggle.

14 THOUGHTS FOR 140 DAYS FREE OF SELF-HARM

"Every accomplishment starts with the with decisionn to try"

John F Kennedy

Today marks the one hundred and fortieth day since I last self-harmed, and I wanted to mark the occasion with a little (or big, we’ll see how much I end up rambling…) blog post:

 

1.    When I started to self-harm

I think that this thought was quite obviously going to feature in here somewhere! I mean, you don’t reach a milestone like this and not remember when it all started. I first self-harmed when I was fifteen years old, I had just been assaulted by a stranger and someone I trusted and respected offered his support… then he began using it as a cover to abuse me.

In my teenage mind, I had so many thoughts and reasons not to report the abuse that I felt completely overwhelmed and desperate for some relief. I think my initial thought process behind self-harming was that it might make me less attractive to my abuser. That maybe he’d be ‘put off’ by the cuts and then the scars. So, I began using a pin from a noticeboard to scratch at my arms and legs. The scratches were enough to draw blood but also enough that I could excuse them as cat scratches to anyone who might see them and ask questions.

My initial intention of damaging my appearance became a lot deeper and more intense; I started to believe that only I should have the power to hurt my body and thought that self-harming would prove this, and that it would leave me feeling more in control. I could take charge of how much or how little, pain I was experiencing.

FIVE THOUGHTS INSPIRED BY THE THEME OF ‘MENTAL HEALTH FOR ALL’ | WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY 2020 | #WMHD2020

As if it’s October already! For a lot of people, October means Halloween, but for those of us in the mental health industry – particularly mental health Bloggers, October means; World Mental Health Day (WMHD) – probably one of the most important dates in the calendar for me.

This year, the World Federation for Mental Health has announced the theme to be ‘Mental Health for All.’ Inevitably and understandably, a huge inspiration for the theme has been the Coronavirus and subsequent ‘lockdowns.’ I think that one aspect of the inspiration comes from the fact that there’s been an increase in the prescription of anti-depressant medication during this difficult time. That, and the increase on referrals to mental health crisis services, really pressure the already underfunded area.

It took me quite a while (so long that I desperately asked Martin from www.gumonmyshoe.com for his ideas!) to think of what I wanted to say today on this theme around improving access to mental health services for everyone. In the end, I realised that I have a lot of thoughts around various aspects of the theme and that maybe I can’t give them one set category… So, here’s some thoughts that’ve been inspired by the Federation’s theme:

 

HOW TO COPE WITH FEELINGS OF ABANDONMENT

‘Do you have an intense fear of being left alone, which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?’

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/diagnosis/

When I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in 2009, the diagnostic criteria were that you answer experience five out of nine symptoms. These symptoms are unstable relationships, losing a sense of self, engagement in impulsive activities, suicide attempts or self-harm, severe mood swings, feelings of emptiness, intense anger, hallucinations or ‘disordered thoughts’ and finally, a fear of abandonment. (Note: Please don’t use that list to self-diagnose, always seek professional advice.)

I rarely blog about my family because I respect their privacy, but my Father is a huge reason why my fears of abandonment are so overwhelming and intense. It’s actually a bit cliché though; my parents divorced when I was a baby, and when my Mum and I moved away my Father never once tried to contact me. I would never say that I missed out on anything though – I mean, you can’t miss something you’ve never had(!), but I do wonder what it would have been like. What my life would have been like. 


At the same time though, I am full of admiration for my Mum being a single-parent and raising me the way that she did, and I hope to one day be as good a Mum as her!

20 WISHES, GOALS, THOUGHTS, & PLANS FOR 2020 | HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I’m always a little hesitant writing new year’s posts because I know you’re probably all snowed under with resolutions in blog posts, so I tried to do something a bit different… This is going to be a real random mix of things that are both about the year that’s just gone and for the year to come!

1.    Thanks to Richmond Fellowship

I’ve collaborated with a number of different organizations through 2019, but I really wanted to pick one that has completely stood out for me as providing me with some incredible experiences and trusting me with a lot of responsibilities. The number of events and meetings I’ve attended this past year with Richmond Fellowship has been huge and the number of roles I’ve played at them is overwhelming and has taught me a lot about myself. Richmond Fellowship have also been so instrumental in my personal mental health recovery and it means so much to me that they trust me with opportunities.

2.    Goodbye CMHT!

The plan this year is that I’ll be discharged from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) in February! I’ve had various Community Psychiatric Nurses (CPN) from the CMHT and been under their care for the best part of ten years now so it’s about time that discharge was discussed never mind actually planned! The idea of discharge came when my newest CPN devised a care plan as she took over my care following my mental health relapse about six months ago. Having my psychiatric medication increased really stabilized my mental health and has greatly contributed to my safety (it’s been about six months since I last self-harmed!).

 

THE ULTIMATE ADVICE POST | 50 TOP TIPS ON MENTAL HEALTH FOR SERVICE USERS, PROFESSIONALS, FRIENDS & FAMILY

Yes, you read that right; fifty! I’ve enjoyed writing posts around tips, advice, do’s and don’ts so I thought the ultimate one would be to put 50 of them in one big post!

Please don’t take this post as condescending and think that just because I’m in recovery I think it makes me an expert on mental health. I don’t, think that; I just hope that my experiences can provide others with the advice that might spare them from going through some of the same hardships. I also don’t want people to think that these tips don’t recognize the strength it takes to do some of them; anyone who knows me – and my blog – will know how important I think it is to acknowledge a person’s bravery and courage in mental health.

MY THOUGHTS ON DISCUSSING DISCHARGE IN MENTAL HEALTH

“Are we talking about discharge right now?!”

“Well it has to happen eventually!”

After my recent mental health crisis, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust’s Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team carried out an assessment at my home and I was admitted to their caseload. From the offset, the plan was that I’d be with them until Tuesday (today!) when my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) returned to work and they would have a discussion to review whether I still needed to be on caseload and it’s made me think about the subject of discharge in mental health…



CLARITY

I’ll be honest, that first year of me being poorly is a bit of a blur; but I do remember that my first admission to a psychiatric hospital was the epitome of confusing and scary. I hadn’t long turned 18 so I was admitted straight into an adult ward and having had no contact with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS), I had no understanding of anything mental health - including the Act of law that I was being detained under (Section 2 of the Mental Health Act 1983)! To be fair, I think that everyone was so busy being worried about me that they didn’t have the time to explain anything and inevitably, after two weeks, no one explained the discharge process either. I didn’t know that after being sectioned you have to be allocated a CPN in a Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and I didn’t know what that even meant - what it would entail.