‘A common form of auditory
hallucination involves hearing one or more talking voices. This may be
associated with psychotic disorders, and holds special significance in
diagnosing these conditions.[2]
However, individuals without any psychiatric disease whatsoever may hear
voices.’
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_hallucination
Recently I’ve been struggling so much with my mental health
and a huge reason for that has been that my auditory and visual hallucinations
have come back.
I feel as though I’ve been battling the visual
hallucinations for a while now… I think it started last year in around May or
June because I can remember finally telling someone (my Mum) about them whilst
holding the Rabbit I ended up buying (Pixie!)
But the auditory hallucinations seemed to suddenly come
back, and with vengeance… It was like they were angry for being gotten rid of
for so long. As though they’d still always been there but I’d been ignoring
them. It’s like when you fall out with someone and stop speaking to them then
you finally confront them… They’d be a bit riled; to say the least! Having been
gone for so long, the voices had some pent-up energy and… volume, that they needed to get out of their system.
Yesterday (March 14th), it felt as though they
(the voices; Annie and Albert) had taken over my body. It felt as though I
suddenly embodied their personalities. And their attitudes. And their
behaviours. Albert was really angry, and I had to take Lorazepam (a mild
sedative) to calm him down because self-harming when you’re angry is one of the
most dangerous things. I could cut and make nothing more than a scratch, then
use the same sharp whilst thinking of my abuser and need stitches.
When I woke up from the Lorazepam fuelled nap, Annie was in
charge. Annie is quite meticulous so in running off from home to self-harm I
found myself – or at least I found my body – being very precise. Very exact,
and organised. It was like punctuation mattered in the text to my partner
asking him to take care of the pets because I didn’t know if I’d ever be back.
Like using capitals after a full stop would mean he’d understand what I was
going through. When my blood put Annie back into her box in my head, I went to
A&E to have my cuts seen to.
The Psychiatric Liaison Team eventually came to see me in
A&E and gave me two huge realisations:
The first came when they said “don’t you tell others to
speak to services when they’re struggling? Why wouldn’t you do it yourself?”
One of the greatest motivations behind my feelings of shame has been knowing
that I’m supposed to be some big inspiration for people struggling and feeling
hopeless. I’m meant to be the person that everyone is looking up to and
thinking ‘if she managed it then I’ve got a good chance!’ The professionals
trusted with the job of keeping a person safe from themselves, made me feel
like a hypocrite, a fraud, and absolutely, completely, and utterly, worthless.
My second realisation?
How can anyone help you when they can’t see what I can see
or hear what I can hear?
And this, guys and girls, was the motivation for this post!
Let’s firstly
note: everyone experiences hallucinations differently and would describe them
in different ways
So, you know when you listen to something through headphones;
whether it’s music or Netflix, and it’s as though your head is filled with the
sound? That’s how I experience auditory hallucinations. Like it’s coming
through my ears and it fills my entire head. And sometimes the volume is loud,
sometimes it’s quieter. Sometimes I can turn the volume down, and sometimes the
headphones break and the volume goes sky high and all other noise is blocked
out. That’s the tunnel. That’s when no one can say anything that will make a
difference to what the voices are saying. To what they’re telling me to do. I
can’t hear anything else.
Finally! You know that feeling – no, that realisation – that
no one in the world knows what you’re like when you’re by yourself? No one
actually knows who you are. Ok? Now imagine never having that feeling! Never
getting to be alone. To be yourself. That is hearing voices.