“IF YOU CHOOSE TO KILL YOURSELF AFTER THE TREATMENT THAT’S UP TO YOU” | LEARNING FROM MY RECENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

TW: discussion of suicide

On Saturday I woke with a start. It was sudden. And just as suddenly, I knew something wasn’t quite right in my head. Ever since it came about, I’ve struggled to explain it to people… which is really challenging to me because – as some have said – I’m quite an articulate person so being at a loss for words is particularly difficult.

After taking an overdose I finally made an attempt to explain things to the Doctor in A&E the following day (Sunday) and completely botched it up! It felt like I was flailing around the dictionary and decided on the world ‘alien.’ I knew before I said it that it wasn’t the right word and I knew how it sounded… you know, I go on about mental health stigma and not being ashamed to talk about anything  but the first thing that came to mind when I heard myself use this word was that I sounded ‘crazy.’

THE SECRET'S OUT | MY BOOK | WHEN ALL IS SAID & TYPED IS AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!!!

Available to pre-order NOW for £1.99

Released 01.02.2019

I think that ever since I’m NOT Disordered began to show popularity and success, I’ve kind of felt like writing a book was inevitable. And there has been so many occasions when professionals, friends, family, and readers have told me I could write a book about my mental health journey.

I think I waited so long to do this because I felt like my journey was unworthy of an entire book. 

Something I’ve experienced a lot with my mental health is having a lack of memory of the times when I’ve been poorly. This is both good and bad. It’s good because a lot of terrible things happened during those times and the bad part is that my lack of memory makes for a very thin book!

Luckily, I have my blog to tackle this dilemma! 

If I hadn’t blogged half of the things that I did, from my time in Hospital, then I wouldn’t have known all the things that’d actually happened there! I remember the life support machines, Intensive Care, and Mental Health Act assessments but I don’t remember all of the dramatic therapy groups, my struggling on leave home, and the constant battles over medication.

My gratitude for I’m NOT Disordered is for more than it supplying content for a book though!

Something I’ve never said before… this blog has given me my life back.

The abuse and my poorly mental health took away so many years when I could’ve done so much more with my life than sit in Hospital beds taking medication and talking about all of the bad thoughts and feelings I was having! But I’m no longer bitter about this.

And that’s because of I’m NOT Disordered.

My blog has given me a reason to be thankful for going through all of those bad times; because without them, I wouldn’t have I’m NOT Disordered! I wouldn’t have found my passion as a Blogger and I wouldn’t have all the opportunities that I do.

So it is with great gratitude and honour that I bring to you…

BOOK DESCRIPTION:

Aimee Wilson's mental health blog; I'm NOT Disordered has had huge success across the world; with numerous media appearances, and collaborations.
When All Is Said & Typed is an archive of the entire collection of posts from I'm NOT Disordered (dated from January 2013 - January 2019) arranged into chapters and in chronological order. It can be used as a self-help guide with numerous posts featuring advice on managing your mental health or as a source of inspiration to read through the author's journey from psychiatric hospitalization to recovery.

Available to pre-order NOW for £1.99

Released 01.02.2019

MY CURRENT FEELINGS ON THE ABUSE

A little while ago a reader asked me how I’d come to terms with the abuse – how I’d come to accept it and it got me thinking…

Can you ever ‘accept’ abuse?

And what does it mean to have ‘accepted’ it? Does it make it ok?

I think that what the reader meant by ‘accept’ was how I’d moved on from it. How I’d come to be unstuck from the flashbacks and memories.

Being in ‘recovery’ is – I think – about being safe with your emotions. Having the power to resist any thoughts or urges to self-harm; because it’s not that you don’t have them anymore. It’s that they don’t control you. Your life. Your relationships with loved ones. Your hobbies and free-time. Your work. Your confidence. So, I think that becoming safe with my thoughts and feelings has had a huge impact on my ability to move on from the abuse because it’s allowed me the opportunity to feel all the emotions, I’d been either blocking out, or overwhelmed by, since it started in 2006. And over the years, I’ve learnt – with the help of professionals – that a lot of my hallucinations come from pent up thoughts and emotions. It’s almost as though my brain becomes so overwhelmed with all these secret feelings that it just breaks and that creates a hallucination! I think I’ve become safe with my emotions around the abuse because of two things; medication, and sheer hard work!

WHY WE PUT THINGS IN BOXES

“Are you ready to talk about that yet?”

The inspiration for this post came when I was speaking with my Community Psychiatric Nurse. A little while ago she asked me for a list of the things in my life that have had an impact on my mental health. I listed things like the hallucinations, when I was bullied in High School… and the death of my cat; Dolly. We’re using each appointment to go through the list by discussing one thing at a time and at each appointment I’m asked if I’m ready to talk about Dolly yet! At yesterday’s appointment I had a realization; I wasn’t reluctant to talk about Dolly because I was worried that doing so would make me unsafe (that it would trigger thoughts of self-harm etc). I didn’t want to talk about the loss because I didn’t want to cause myself the upset. I wasn’t afraid of what that upset might cause; I was just reluctant to face the grief and sadness.

HOW TO STOP SELF-SABOTAGING | WITH A FUTURE LEARN DISCOUNT CODE!! | AD

So I was having a ‘Bloggers Day Out’ with Marty from gumonmyshoe.com in the Life Science Centre and he mentioned that he’d taken some online courses with one being about self-sabotaging and it got me thinking about the topic…

As someone who has been known to regularly mess up good things in her life, I think I might be qualified in giving you all my own two top tips that’ve helped me to stop the behavior of self-sabotaging.

I learnt these skills after reaching the lowest point in my mental health; in the years after being admitted to Intensive Care following an overdose. Spending two and a half years in Cygnet Hospital Bierley meant that I had professional support in learning these skills so in writing this post, my hope is that it’ll avoid others having to reach that point too before they can learn these: