“You’re blinded by hatred!”
- Professor Lupin, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
For such a long time I felt this overwhelming, powerful, uncontrollable anger towards my abuser and really, the entirety of the abuse, for so many reasons that it felt like I was drowning in it.
I was angry that someone could be capable of doing what he had. I was angry at myself for not fighting back each and every time. I was angry that I was lying to my Mum, that I wasn’t in control, that he wasn’t being punished for doing something wrong, and that I couldn’t think of an instance where I’d deserved all of this.
Like a lot of things around the abuse, I feel as though there aren’t enough words in the world to allow someone the ability to comprehend just how powerful this anger was. So, to put it into – perhaps – an easier emotion to understand; it’s like when you’re so happy that you smile at everyone you see. Or when you’re so proud of an achievement that you want to tell the world about it…? It’s almost as though when any emotion is overwhelming, you have to share it. So why should something like anger be any different? I felt as though it was spilling over and out of my head; landing on other people. But really, it was me. I was putting my anger on others; I felt like I had to because at the time, it was the only way I thought I could cope with it all.