“How much more grievous are the
consequences of anger than the causes of it?” Marcus
Have you ever seen the Fantastic
Beasts and Where to Find Them movie? It’s basically a spin-off to the Harry
Potter series and in it, there’s this thing called an Obscurus which is the
manifestation of violent, destructive energy from when a young Witch or Wizard
has to repress their magic ability. That’s how I’d describe the anger I was
left with as a result of the abuse because I repressed it for a while and so it
eventually erupted into this powerful, detrimental, life-changing fury.
The first anger I experienced from
the abuse wasn’t the first one that I reacted to. That sounds complicated… The
first source of my anger that I actually responded to, was the anger against
others; particularly, against my abuser’s colleagues. They were the people who
saw myself and my abuser together the most and yet they didn’t stop the abuse.
During the abuse, part of me thought ‘how the hell do they not realize what he’s
doing?’ and the other part hoped they’d never find out. These two
contradictions led to a lot of confusion for me and I struggled to accept that I
was ‘allowed’ to be angry with these people. I wondered if I had no right to
because I was doing all in my power to ensure they didn’t find out what was
happening to me so how could I be so put out when they didn’t stop it?
“We need to have a talk on the
subject of what's yours and what's mine.” ― Stieg Larsson, The Girl with
the Dragon Tattoo
So, I had Martin Baker (of gumonmyshoe.com)
over to my house and we got talking about people who message people that they’re
feeling suicidal and it got us onto talking about boundaries and I realized I have
a lot to say on the subject; so here’s a post on the topic!
I also talked to my Richmond Fellowship support worker (from their Tyneside floating support service) about
how I felt that I’m not the right person for this person to be texting and
telling that they feel suicidal. This topic also came up a little while ago
because obviously, writing such a huge blog about mental health I do receive
emails daily from people saying similar things about feeling suicidal and
struggling with their mental health; regardless of my blog’s disclaimer!
At first, it was overwhelming and
upsetting to hear people saying such negative things partly made me feel
reassured that I wasn’t alone, but mostly made me feel hopeless because there’s
other people feeling the way I do. Then, after a while, I started to view it as…
heartwarming, maybe? That people feel and think that I’m a good person to talk
to about their mental health and that they trust me with the most vulnerable
side of themselves. These days? Well, I still see all these sides to it, but I also
think that it’s important to stress that I’m just not the ‘right’ person to
talk to. Some may argue and say that they’d rather speak to someone who
understands than a professional who thinks they do because they have a degree.
I get that. But you have to consider how it would be to tell someone like me
that you feel suicidal and to then go ahead and do something…?! I mean, there’s
only so much I can do… like I said; I’m not the right person!
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in
which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to
yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes
Halloween is all about making people
jump in shock and scaring people half to death; but no one ever really uses the
opportunity to talk about how fear can be positive and beneficial too! Being
afraid can be a natural reaction to a situation – think along the lines of ‘fight
or flight.’ So, for this reason, I didn’t want to use this post to only discuss
the really negative parts of my life; I also wanted to talk about how positive
fear has been for me sometimes… How it has often resulted in something positive:
1.The time I stopped
breathing in 2008
I had a weekend job at my local
Primark (a huge retail store) and had been folding clothes when I got a huge
pain in my tummy and passed out. I remember paramedics coming and giving me
morphine and then they took me to the local A&E where they gave me more
morphine. After seeing a Doctor they decided that I needed to be transferred to
the local Gynae ward at another hospital and en route, in the ambulance, they gave
me more morphine and then failed to tell the new hospital how much I’d had and
they gave me more.