HOW I COPE WITH THE ANGER OF ABUSE

“You’re blinded by hatred!”

-          Professor Lupin, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

TW: self-harm

For such a long time I felt this overwhelming, powerful, uncontrollable anger towards my abuser and really, the entirety of the abuse, for so many reasons that it felt like I was drowning in it.

I was angry that someone could be capable of doing what he had. I was angry at myself for not fighting back each and every time. I was angry that I was lying to my Mum, that I wasn’t in control, that he wasn’t being punished for doing something wrong, and that I couldn’t think of an instance where I’d deserved all of this.

 Like a lot of things around the abuse, I feel as though there aren’t enough words in the world to allow someone the ability to comprehend just how powerful this anger was. So, to put it into – perhaps – an easier emotion to understand; it’s like when you’re so happy that you smile at everyone you see. Or when you’re so proud of an achievement that you want to tell the world about it…? It’s almost as though when any emotion is overwhelming, you have to share it. So why should something like anger be any different? I felt as though it was spilling over and out of my head; landing on other people. But really, it was me. I was putting my anger on others; I felt like I had to because at the time, it was the only way I thought I could cope with it all.

"WHEN THE SHARPEST WORDS WANNA CUT ME DOWN" | HOW I COPED WITH RECENT SPITEFULNESS

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gunna send a flood, gunna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ‘cause here I come

And I’m marchin’ on to the beat I drum

Keala Settle – This Is Me, Greatest Showman Soundtrack

So, something happened the other day. Something always happens! After all, without something happening, would there even be a blog post?!

I got an email from Amazon to say that someone had reported that the contents of my book were freely available online and so I may not have the publishing rights. I mean, where are the words? Of course, I replied with an astounded ‘it’s-definitely-my-work-and-I-can-prove-it’ e’mail before I had a huge cry!

How could someone be so… spiteful? A lot of people use the word jealous – saying that others tear you down because they’re actually jealous of your success, your looks, your personality, your style, your hair… But as someone who has regularly had people make assumptions of my emotions and behaviours, I don’t want to presume that’s how this person feels; jealousy is quite a strong word and conjures up many accusations against a person’s character so let’s not go there!

“IF YOU CHOOSE TO KILL YOURSELF AFTER THE TREATMENT THAT’S UP TO YOU” | LEARNING FROM MY RECENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

TW: discussion of suicide

On Saturday I woke with a start. It was sudden. And just as suddenly, I knew something wasn’t quite right in my head. Ever since it came about, I’ve struggled to explain it to people… which is really challenging to me because – as some have said – I’m quite an articulate person so being at a loss for words is particularly difficult.

After taking an overdose I finally made an attempt to explain things to the Doctor in A&E the following day (Sunday) and completely botched it up! It felt like I was flailing around the dictionary and decided on the world ‘alien.’ I knew before I said it that it wasn’t the right word and I knew how it sounded… you know, I go on about mental health stigma and not being ashamed to talk about anything  but the first thing that came to mind when I heard myself use this word was that I sounded ‘crazy.’

THE SECRET'S OUT | MY BOOK | WHEN ALL IS SAID & TYPED IS AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!!!

Available to pre-order NOW for £1.99

Released 01.02.2019

I think that ever since I’m NOT Disordered began to show popularity and success, I’ve kind of felt like writing a book was inevitable. And there has been so many occasions when professionals, friends, family, and readers have told me I could write a book about my mental health journey.

I think I waited so long to do this because I felt like my journey was unworthy of an entire book. 

Something I’ve experienced a lot with my mental health is having a lack of memory of the times when I’ve been poorly. This is both good and bad. It’s good because a lot of terrible things happened during those times and the bad part is that my lack of memory makes for a very thin book!

Luckily, I have my blog to tackle this dilemma! 

If I hadn’t blogged half of the things that I did, from my time in Hospital, then I wouldn’t have known all the things that’d actually happened there! I remember the life support machines, Intensive Care, and Mental Health Act assessments but I don’t remember all of the dramatic therapy groups, my struggling on leave home, and the constant battles over medication.

My gratitude for I’m NOT Disordered is for more than it supplying content for a book though!

Something I’ve never said before… this blog has given me my life back.

The abuse and my poorly mental health took away so many years when I could’ve done so much more with my life than sit in Hospital beds taking medication and talking about all of the bad thoughts and feelings I was having! But I’m no longer bitter about this.

And that’s because of I’m NOT Disordered.

My blog has given me a reason to be thankful for going through all of those bad times; because without them, I wouldn’t have I’m NOT Disordered! I wouldn’t have found my passion as a Blogger and I wouldn’t have all the opportunities that I do.

So it is with great gratitude and honour that I bring to you…

BOOK DESCRIPTION:

Aimee Wilson's mental health blog; I'm NOT Disordered has had huge success across the world; with numerous media appearances, and collaborations.
When All Is Said & Typed is an archive of the entire collection of posts from I'm NOT Disordered (dated from January 2013 - January 2019) arranged into chapters and in chronological order. It can be used as a self-help guide with numerous posts featuring advice on managing your mental health or as a source of inspiration to read through the author's journey from psychiatric hospitalization to recovery.

Available to pre-order NOW for £1.99

Released 01.02.2019

MY CURRENT FEELINGS ON THE ABUSE

A little while ago a reader asked me how I’d come to terms with the abuse – how I’d come to accept it and it got me thinking…

Can you ever ‘accept’ abuse?

And what does it mean to have ‘accepted’ it? Does it make it ok?

I think that what the reader meant by ‘accept’ was how I’d moved on from it. How I’d come to be unstuck from the flashbacks and memories.

Being in ‘recovery’ is – I think – about being safe with your emotions. Having the power to resist any thoughts or urges to self-harm; because it’s not that you don’t have them anymore. It’s that they don’t control you. Your life. Your relationships with loved ones. Your hobbies and free-time. Your work. Your confidence. So, I think that becoming safe with my thoughts and feelings has had a huge impact on my ability to move on from the abuse because it’s allowed me the opportunity to feel all the emotions, I’d been either blocking out, or overwhelmed by, since it started in 2006. And over the years, I’ve learnt – with the help of professionals – that a lot of my hallucinations come from pent up thoughts and emotions. It’s almost as though my brain becomes so overwhelmed with all these secret feelings that it just breaks and that creates a hallucination! I think I’ve become safe with my emotions around the abuse because of two things; medication, and sheer hard work!