Monday, 11 November 2019


“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Have you ever seen the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them movie? It’s basically a spin-off to the Harry Potter series and in it, there’s this thing called an Obscurus which is the manifestation of violent, destructive energy from when a young Witch or Wizard has to repress their magic ability. That’s how I’d describe the anger I was left with as a result of the abuse because I repressed it for a while and so it eventually erupted into this powerful, detrimental, life-changing fury.

The first anger I experienced from the abuse wasn’t the first one that I reacted to. That sounds complicated… The first source of my anger that I actually responded to, was the anger against others; particularly, against my abuser’s colleagues. They were the people who saw myself and my abuser together the most and yet they didn’t stop the abuse. During the abuse, part of me thought ‘how the hell do they not realize what he’s doing?’ and the other part hoped they’d never find out. These two contradictions led to a lot of confusion for me and I struggled to accept that I was ‘allowed’ to be angry with these people. I wondered if I had no right to because I was doing all in my power to ensure they didn’t find out what was happening to me so how could I be so put out when they didn’t stop it?

Saturday, 9 November 2019


So, after some very successful Christmas shopping in Newcastle and then again in Morpeth, I decided to put together a little wishlist of all my favourite items this year! 
Of course, Christmas isn't about presents but i don't think you should be made to feel shallow for appreciating material things. 

So here's my wishlist! 

What would go on yours?

Clothes etc

Missguided Christmas Jumper £22

Brave Soul Christmas Jumper £16

Thursday, 7 November 2019


“We need to have a talk on the subject of what's yours and what's mine.”
Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

So, I had Martin Baker (of over to my house and we got talking about people who message people that they’re feeling suicidal and it got us onto talking about boundaries and I realized I have a lot to say on the subject; so here’s a post on the topic!

I also talked to my Richmond Fellowship support worker (from their Tyneside floating support service) about how I felt that I’m not the right person for this person to be texting and telling that they feel suicidal. This topic also came up a little while ago because obviously, writing such a huge blog about mental health I do receive emails daily from people saying similar things about feeling suicidal and struggling with their mental health; regardless of my blog’s disclaimer! 

At first, it was overwhelming and upsetting to hear people saying such negative things partly made me feel reassured that I wasn’t alone, but mostly made me feel hopeless because there’s other people feeling the way I do. Then, after a while, I started to view it as… heartwarming, maybe? That people feel and think that I’m a good person to talk to about their mental health and that they trust me with the most vulnerable side of themselves. These days? Well, I still see all these sides to it, but I also think that it’s important to stress that I’m just not the ‘right’ person to talk to. Some may argue and say that they’d rather speak to someone who understands than a professional who thinks they do because they have a degree. I get that. But you have to consider how it would be to tell someone like me that you feel suicidal and to then go ahead and do something…?! I mean, there’s only so much I can do… like I said; I’m not the right person!

Thursday, 31 October 2019


“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Halloween is all about making people jump in shock and scaring people half to death; but no one ever really uses the opportunity to talk about how fear can be positive and beneficial too! Being afraid can be a natural reaction to a situation – think along the lines of ‘fight or flight.’ So, for this reason, I didn’t want to use this post to only discuss the really negative parts of my life; I also wanted to talk about how positive fear has been for me sometimes… How it has often resulted in something positive:

1.    The time I stopped breathing in 2008

I had a weekend job at my local Primark (a huge retail store) and had been folding clothes when I got a huge pain in my tummy and passed out. I remember paramedics coming and giving me morphine and then they took me to the local A&E where they gave me more morphine. After seeing a Doctor they decided that I needed to be transferred to the local Gynae ward at another hospital and en route, in the ambulance, they gave me more morphine and then failed to tell the new hospital how much I’d had and they gave me more.