A little while ago one of my medications was increased and with the increase, came a change in the tablet’s appearance. Of course the dormant voices jumped on this and convinced me that it was poison and they reasoned that Doctors were trying to make me more poorly so that I would need them more. Naturally, their thunderous voices were no match for my own and so I stopped taking my medication (which included two anti-depressants, one mood stabiliser, and an antipsychotic).
Friday, 21 September 2018
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Cat and Mouse Games
I remember after my very first overdose when the Nurse in Accident and Emergency (A&E) told me that if I were to run away then they’d be calling the Police and immediately I was struck with the sense that I was now in a battle and it was me against them. I think it had to do with the feeling of now being in a game of cat and mouse; they were chasing me. They were trying to find me. Now there was a game to win and perhaps it’s natural, especially for someone who’s normally competitive, to be desperate to win any kind of ‘game.’
Thursday, 6 September 2018
I remember in 2009 lying on my bed in my Mum’s home and listening to the whispered conversations downstairs between my Mum and – what felt like – every member of NHS staff! (Realistically, it was a few people from the Crisis Team, two Social Workers, and two Psychiatrists!) When there was a knock on the bedroom door I didn’t expect to see the six foot something Psychiatrist wearing running trainers with his suit! I sat up on the bed and he came into my abnormally, barbie-pink bedroom and sat on the futon in front of me. And then he said one of the sentences that has remained a pivotal moment in my mental health journey and you know, actually… my life! He said: “maybe it’s time we start you on some medication.”
Sunday, 2 September 2018
As you’ll have seen in my previous post, I recently had a mental health crisis and I had a rough night last night, so the Crisis Team came out and one of the things they said that really stuck with me was: ‘let’s get you back to a place when you can be giving people amazing advice again.’ And I had a look through my blog and wondered whether I’ve done that a lot recently? Given advice, I mean. So, I thought that almost a week after my crisis, maybe now is the best time to let people know exactly what has gotten me through.
Wednesday, 29 August 2018
I haven’t spoken publicly about this yet, but on Monday I went into a mental health crisis.
It started, believe it or not, with a tummy pain!
I was in my sitting room when the pain came about, and, in agony, I collapsed. Onto the coffee table. My shoulder and arm instantly hurt and with the beginning of the bruising, I made my way to the local Urgent Care Center. I could feel my head getting fuller and fuller… it wasn’t so much the voices at first. It was more thoughts and feelings. As though my thoughts were too long and too detailed to fit inside my little head, and my feelings were too intense and too huge to fit into my little body. And I think that all of this just crowded me and the, all to familiar, feelings of being over-powered and completely overwhelmed led to the voices.