TW: RAMBLINGS OF AN INPATIENT | AN UNFOCUSED POST

I’ve just gotten to the ward from A&E and separating myself from the voices is hard.

That’s probably an understatement – it is near impossible.

But I can do it. When they aren’t horrendously loud and I’m not massively tired; I can do it.

Being in Cygnet Hospital (Bierley) for two and a half years taught me a lot; and one lesson I did learn was to always try my hardest to fight these auditory hallucinations. Cygnet gave me new, safe, and healthy coping skills and I use all of them. Sometimes they’re enough. Sometimes they are not. But I try. The point is, I try. I don’t – though it might seem this way – go straight to the paracetamol and self-harm.

In a – perhaps twisted – way, this is a bad thing because it makes me feel enormously hopeless when all my new coping skills don’t work. And I feel like maybe it’s time to rely on other people to keep me safe and to help me to quieten the voices. I can only do so much myself and if others can’t give me that support, then I worry – and genuinely believe – I will die.

HOW TO SURVIVE HOSPITAL | FIVE TIPS TO MAKE IT THROUGH ANY HOSPITAL STAY

A little while ago one of my medications was increased and with the increase, came a change in the tablet’s appearance. Of course the dormant voices jumped on this and convinced me that it was poison and they reasoned that Doctors were trying to make me more poorly so that I would need them more. Naturally, their thunderous voices were no match for my own and so I stopped taking my medication (which included two anti-depressants, one mood stabiliser, and an antipsychotic).

THE 'US' VERSUS 'THEM' DISCUSSION

Cat and Mouse Games

I remember after my very first overdose when the Nurse in Accident and Emergency (A&E) told me that if I were to run away then they’d be calling the Police and immediately I was struck with the sense that I was now in a battle and it was me against them. I think it had to do with the feeling of now being in a game of cat and mouse; they were chasing me. They were trying to find me. Now there was a game to win and perhaps it’s natural, especially for someone who’s normally competitive, to be desperate to win any kind of ‘game.’

A LENGTHY MEDICATION CHAT

I remember in 2009 lying on my bed in my Mum’s home and listening to the whispered conversations downstairs between my Mum and – what felt like – every member of NHS staff! (Realistically, it was a few people from the Crisis Team, two Social Workers, and two Psychiatrists!) When there was a knock on the bedroom door I didn’t expect to see the six foot something Psychiatrist wearing running trainers with his suit! I sat up on the bed and he came into my abnormally, barbie-pink bedroom and sat on the futon in front of me. And then he said one of the sentences that has remained a pivotal moment in my mental health journey and you know, actually… my life! He said: “maybe it’s time we start you on some medication.”

WHY A SUPPORT NETWORK IS A MUST-HAVE IN A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

As you’ll have seen in my previous post, I recently had a mental health crisis and I had a rough night last night, so the Crisis Team came out and one of the things they said that really stuck with me was: ‘let’s get you back to a place when you can be giving people amazing advice again.’ And I had a look through my blog and wondered whether I’ve done that a lot recently? Given advice, I mean. So, I thought that almost a week after my crisis, maybe now is the best time to let people know exactly what has gotten me through.