foxunderthemoon
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the Book: https://foxunderthemoonart.com/pages/seasons
“That’s
the thing about books; they let you travel without moving your feet.”
Jhumpa
Lahiri
In November last year, I visited the Christmas Market at the Spanish City with my fellow mental health blogging best-friend; Martin Baker of Gum On My Shoe, and we met the lovely Stacey McNeill and Jamie! I spotted the subtitle of the book: ‘Seasons of Comfort and Hope’ and asked, “does this mean there’s relevance to mental health?” she nodded and said “yes.” And I was like “just the right person to meet!” and within minutes we were exchanging the stories of our creative journeys, and I’d given her my business card! Kindly, she sent me a copy of the book with a card for myself and Martin and then we emailed about collaborating and, almost before I knew it, this blog post was underway! This post will focus on my two favourite pages from the book…
My 2 Favourite Pages
#1: “Look back and see how far you’ve
come, the mountains you have climbed, you’ll get there when you’re meant to,
one step at a time.”
I think that the largest change I’ve made or thing
which I’ve overcome over the many gruelling years of my mental health journey,
actually stemmed from a message drummed into me by professionals which connects
to that around recovery and it was about responsibility. Now, I’ll be first to
admit that during the first three years after my mental health really started
to deteriorate in 2009 when I was 18, I was terrible at taking responsibility
for my actions. I would self-harm or do something unsafe and risky, and if
anyone asked why I’d done it my response would be “because such and such said
this” or “because such and such did that.” I didn’t recognise or accept that I
was responding to others. That I was the one coping in these dangerous ways. And
yes, I did so with the feeling that I had no choice, there was no alternatives because
surely if I could think of other coping strategies, I would do them?!
I think that the thing to have eventually changed
all of that was a combination of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and the
staff of the psychiatric hospital where I had the DBT and which I was sectioned
in for over two and a half years.
Firstly, one of the largest lessons DBT taught me in
regard to responsibility, was that there really are alternatives to self-harm
and other unsafe behaviours. Honestly, this was initially very hard to admit to
and that was partly because the coping skills you’re taught in DBT can be
really simple and I found myself wondering how on earth I hadn’t thought to try
them. When I voiced this concern or mindset to the staff though, they pointed
out that when you’re struggling that much, you can’t really think straight or consider
the consequences to your actions because you’re so focused on surviving. They
also reassured my thoughts around feeling stupid that two of the skills I found
helpful were Distraction and Self-Soothing from the Distress Tolerance module.
I worried this made me seem superficial or shallow and that people would
question or doubt just how bad things were because if I was genuinely suicidal,
why would taking a shower change anything? Again, the staff assured me that the
important thing was we’d found something that helped and that if someone judges
you for that, it says more about that person than it does about you.
The second thing which helped with my attitude
around responsibility were the staff, and those two examples were actually
previous illustrations of this point. Back in 2009, my NHS mental health Trust
had no specialist services for someone with a diagnosis of Borderline
Personality Disorder (BPD) even though it was widely recognised that someone
with BPD responds better to staff and services which are specifically trained
and experienced in supporting someone with it. And the truth in that was really
supported by the fact that I hadn’t experienced such good care until that
specialist psychiatric hospital. I felt heard, validated, supported, and valued.
I felt like the staff knew both what they were doing and what they were saying.
They knew and understood why what they said and did mean so much to service
users and that they could be the difference between staying safe and feeling
like you have more reason to hurt yourself because the people who are meant to
be the ‘best’ people are actually making you feel worse by treating you so
poorly.
One key example of the specialist staff getting it
right was when I was granted unescorted leave in the hospital grounds, and I ended
up escaping (by jumping three fences!). Whilst I was AWOL, I made a suicide
attempt and after the Police found me and took me to hospital (where the
psychiatric staff met us) my attempt was on the verge of working so I was
admitted for treatment that was administered under sedation and against my will
because I refused it but was sectioned so they were legally entitled to force it.
When I eventually got back to the psychiatric hospital, my Key Nurse was
incredibly ‘off’ with me and eventually we sat down and she told me that she’d
been so worried that something would happen to me because she’d been the one to
sign me out on the leave. Hearing how my actions had affected her and had the
potential to massively affect her career, was humbling, left me very apologetic,
and made me finally recognise that I was responsible for that impact.
This incredibly difficult lesson about
responsibility has remained a very important moment in my mental health
recovery and whilst it was definitely a really positive step, it’s caused one
huge problem… I began running into complete hypocrites! The Crisis Team, on
numerous occasions, made various mistakes, had a bad attitude, and some really poor
judgement and then failed to take responsibility for both their
actions/attitude and the impact it had on me. And it wasn’t about how I coped
with those things. It was that it was hurtful, upsetting, and felt like a
complete betrayal. It made me question things and think ‘why the hell should I
be responsible for things when those preaching that are doing the exact
opposite?!’ It made me question who on earth they thought they were to have the
right to say all these things to me and then contradict everything by not
abiding by these things themselves.
#2:
“I feel so small,” said the Fox…
This is actually a feeling (that I’m small) which
I’ve experienced a heck of a lot in my blogging career, but it was especially
present and difficult in the early days of I’m NOT Disordered when the
readership obviously wasn’t all that huge. I regularly questioned why I was
blogging because I was filled with the notion that I wasn’t ‘big’ enough to
have any impact or influence nor to be able to even contribute to making any
changes or differences.
At the time I created I’m NOT Disordered (2013)
blogging and content creation was only just taking off really, so the media
were starting to recognise this, and beginning to feature bloggers and
YouTubers on TV shows, in the newspapers and magazines, and on the radio etc. And
brands were also starting to properly recognise the level of importance and influence
these bloggers and Influencers (though that wasn’t really a term that was used
back then!) had, in terms of feeling like collaborations would serve as really
good publicity. There was one YouTuber in particular – Zoe Sugg, who worked
under the brand name ‘Zoella’ – who I really admired and whose journey I
followed closely because she was one of the key people to begin being featured
in the media and landing collaborations and even book deals and contracts to
create beauty products and homeware items.
Then Zoe seemed to go off the radar a bit and
create less and less content, I discovered Victoria Magrath whose branding is
In The Frow (‘frow’ meaning Front Row). I think a few people were surprised –
and are surprised when I say this because it’s still true – to hear that I find
her influential because she’s very obviously a fashion and beauty blogger. I
think this makes people question how on earth I could draw any sort of
inspiration from someone who’s creating content in such an opposite industry to
the mental health themed one I work in (as an example: Why
I don't want to have children, and you don't have to either
– which was particularly relevant to me because I also don’t have children).
Actually though, the main inspiration from
following her isn’t completely about her content and the theme of it. It’s more
about her work ethic – I think that it’s actually incredibly similar to my
Mum’s – which, for years, I’ve tried to model myself! I love that Victoria is
constantly trying to better herself, her content creation, and any other
project she commits to. It’s like the ‘go big or go home’ attitude and this is
something I feel that I try to embody in those same aspects of my life. I feel
like it shows a real commitment and dedication to content creation and
illustrates how passionate a creator is in what they do.
I fully believe that having mindset or work ethic
has proven fundamental to my blog’s success and popularity and that it’s really
an essential or important quality to have in creating mental health themed
content. And to bring it back being relevant to this page in the Fox Under the
Moon book, my blog’s success and popularity have actually really contributed to
me feeling a heck of a lot less ‘small’ in this industry! It’s proven to very
much be a brilliant and important confidence tool… To be honest, when I first
started blogging, if someone asked me what I blog about I would have said “just
my life.” I would never or admit to it being focused on mental health and some
of that was due to the stigma surrounding the topic. But, in recent years –
after around ten years of blogging – I finally came to recognise or realise that
if someone has a problem with mental health content, that says more about them than
it does me.
Finding this confidence in my content has definitely
tackled feeling small and I think a huge reason for that is because having it
and having the ability and the courage to be open about mental health, means I
have a higher chance of influencing someone than if I hid everything. I fully believe
that talking about something, is the only way to get anywhere – especially in
mental health and difficult topics like trauma, suicide, and self-harm etc. I
think it’s a huge step toward less stigma – especially with mental health – because
a huge reason for people discriminating is a lack of knowledge and understanding.
Like, if you don’t understand something, you can become scared and this can
lead to poor treatment because the person can’t appreciate what they shouldn’t
be doing and what they should because it would help the other person.
In keeping with this about speaking up and my
new-found confidence, in 2017 I actually published a piece about how to cope
when reporting your trauma to the Police (you can read it: You
CAN Get Through Reporting Your Trauma | I'm NOT Disordered) and shortly
afterwards a reader – who was a complete stranger(!) – emailed me. She told me
because of that blog post providing advice and because I’d shared my own
experiences of reporting and the positive impact it had for me, she had
actually found the courage and the strength to report her own experiences of abuse
after years of hiding it. I honestly couldn’t believe it! I was overwhelmed
with pride that my ‘little’ blog had such an enormous impact on someone’s life.
That my words had such an impact.
For a long time, people have voiced how lucky I am
to not receive any negative comments or messages, and I’ve always explained
that I believe it’s because I very much stay away from anything remotely
confident. And instead, I have the mindset that if there is something of that
nature and I feel incredibly strong about my opinion and believe I’ve not only done
my research or have the experience to back up my thoughts and feelings, but that
I also feel that expressing my opinion is so important to me that I’m prepared
for any criticism or trolling and feel that speaking up is worthy of risking
such spitefulness. And I think that this mindset is actually because I fully
recognise and appreciate the impact my content can have on others – especially when
considering there are 2.6 million of you!
I also learnt about the impact I can have in a very
sweet way because I used to write short stories growing up my Mum recently told
me that on her daily calls with my Nana (before she died) my Nana would always
ask when my next story was coming! And I remember once watching her whilst she
read one and seeing her laugh and smile. And I think that’s contributed to my
recognition and acceptance that your words can be so powerful that they can
actually influence and cause someone to have particular emotions!
I actually feel like this mindset and consideration
has really had a huge impact on the popularity and success of my blog – and I’m
not only referring to the number of readers, but also the collaborations and once
-in-a-lifetime experiences I’ve been offered and granted! And all of these
things combined have massively helped this initial quote of feeling small! I
now recognise and realise that I do have a huge influence – actually, in my
blog’s Media Kit (which you can find on the Contact page: Contact | I'm NOT
Disordered) it mentions the statistical impact my blog can have on collaboration
partners e.g. charity partners have experienced up to a 78% increase in
donations, companies products have ‘sold out’ within hours of me mentioning
them, organisations have gained over 3,000 new followers after collaborations,
and most organisations have had an increase in website traffic by up to 65% - on my readers and that my journey or content
in general, can potentially be inspirational to all those people too.
In all honesty, that’s sometimes a hugely
overwhelming pressure because I feel like it comes with some sort of
expectation and that so many people just expect for my content to always be
helpful and of a good quality. And often, it does worry me that I won’t live up
to their standards or expectations. To cope with this – in case there are other
Influencers or Bloggers out there reading this who are experiencing that same feeling
– I focus on the benefits I personally receive in creating content. I
concentrate on how therapeutic it is for me and my mental health, and I think
about how incredibly rewarding and enjoyable the events and the complimentary
train tickets and free hotels and gifted items all are. Receiving or being
offered (I think the collaborations I do are about 75 – 80% pitched to me and
the rest would be ones I’ve pitched to others) things like those, really aid my
thoughts on being small and that comment from the fellow survivor who reported
her abuse after I blogged about, really helped the small thing too because it
helped me to realise I’m actually not that small and powerless!
I can make a difference!