Saturday, 23 March 2013

The One With The Headphones Analogy

[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm]

The best way to describe the voices I hear so that you can understand is that they're like when you wear headphones to listen to music. They go in through your ears but somehow it's like the music is in your head and no one else can hear it (unless it's really loud!). That's how I hear my voices; through my ears.
I was feeling really let down by staff today after the one I asked for a 1:1 off last night didn't get round to it 'til about 11pm and by then it felt like the voices had gotten too bad for her to make a difference and I was so tired from fighting them that I just wanted to go to sleep so I declined the 1:1. Then today, I asked for PRN and was told the nurse would come and give me it in a few minutes but an hour later and I was reminded it was Reflection. I ended up crying after I was asked how I felt so I left and got my PRN.
Then, the voices got angrier that I'd taken medication and I knew I could either cut and enjoy the blood as it made them happy or I could block my ears so that I didn't hear them anymore. I scratched my leg but it wasn't enough and I didn't think any more scratches would make it good enough so I took the butterflies off the back of my earrings and using a hair clip, I pushed them as far as I could into each ear. Silence.
But then it was painful. It was so difficult to decide what to do because I was happy I'd shut the voices up and I loved how quiet and peaceful my head was but I was in pain too now and I was worried that asking for help or even just telling the staff would make the voices angry or the staff would have to take the butterflies out and that would make them loud again. But then I remembered I'd took the PRN so that would be working too. I told the staff and they're still trying to sort out getting them removed without me having to go to the medical hospital because it's snowed really badly here and the staff can barely get in for their shifts never mind take a patient to hospital. I'm starting to feel calmer though so I'm willing to have them removed now.