Friday, 19 April 2013

20.04.2013, Six Years Ago...

[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm]

Tomorrow will be six years since my 'trauma' ended. I'm not yet confident enough to write about it on here but I hope to be soon. Without telling you all, what I will say is that's it's not necessarily a happy date; just because it physically ended does not mean it stopped affecting me. People assume that once someone's ordeal is over they should be fine but that's not always the case.  The day it ended was one of the loneliest days of my life. I never want to forget what happened, I just need to learn to live with it. What's getting me through the thought of tomorrow is that my Mum is coming down to spend the day with me, I have staff support and a certain picture. When this photo was taken, my Auntie and Mum asked me not to put it on the internet but I think now is the right time because I'm doing it to help myself and I am confident they will understand.
This photo was taken by my Auntie and it is of me in Intensive Care on a ventilator, with a central line connected to treatment for an overdose. It wasn't that the overdose was bad enough to warrant me being on a ventilator it was that I wanted the memories to be over so badly that I was refusing the life-saving treatment. The photo is my reminder... Firstly, of  how bad it was and secondly, of how far I have come. Although there are some days I might feel like I could easily get myself into a similar situation (by overdosing and feeling so terrible I refuse treatment) I now understand I have the support on hand to prevent a repeat of this photo when I feel I can't fight it alone. My Mum means the world to me and I confide in her so much more now, that I know if I ever felt so bad again I could speak to her. The staff here are so much more supportive and consistent than my teams in the Community could ever dream to be. I don't want this photo to upset anyone; I want to inspire confidence in people that you can be at your absolute lowest and come back from it. Come back fighting.