Friday, 6 September 2013

The One I'm Ashamed Of

It's taken me a little while to get the courage to write this blog because I feel like such a bad person for some of things I'll be writing about but then I realised that I'm quick to write posts about staff's misdemeanours so it's only fair if I right about my own.
On Wednesday, I made some comments about the doctor that I'm not proud of; a nursesaid that I had to speak to her about my appointment with the GP but I pointed out that I was still angry with her and it'd be best for her to just read my notes. Then, in Morning Meeting one of the girls talked about stressing for a 1:1 with the doctor and I made a comment about how hopefully she'd be in a car crash that morning and wouldn't make it in. Later on, I was at a group upstairs and was at the door to be let down when I spotted the Doctor so I rushed back into the room and before I knew it she was in the doorway saying "you can come out now, I'm going." I saw red then because there was a couple of staff around and she was being all cocky and clever so I told her to stop pretending that she'd done nothing wrong and called her an evil bitch before she walked away shaking her head.
That afternoon, I was trying to get signed out for leave to go to the Hearing Voices group in the city centre when the nurse took me to one side and said that I was dividing the staff. He said that half of them were saying that I shouldn't be allowed when I'd been making threats against the Doctor so that he'd had to pull rank and said he was Nurse in Charge and that if I'm just threatening one member of staff then I'm only a danger to that person. So he let me go to the group and on the way, I decided that I'd try and talk to the Doctor because otherwise I'd carry on with the threats and nastiness and I'd get myself in trouble. So, when we got back and the Doctor was walking towards me I suggested we talk when she was ready. Before I had a chance to tell the Nurse he took me aside again and said he'd never seen the Doctor so distraught at all the comments I'd been making.
I went to my room feeling like a very bad person and at 4pm, the Doctor came and took me to the Meeting Room. At first, it all went badly with her concluding that we might as well 'end it there' because we had 'nothing more to say' to one another. I realised that I was probably going to have to request a new Consultant and then out of nowhere I was crying and she was the same as ever; caring, curious and concerned. As we talked I realised a lot of things. I realised that I'd reacted the way I had to her return because when she'd been on holiday I'd had two weeks of no one trying to get the deep stuff out of me so it'd been easier to pretend things were better than what they are. I realised that I'd tried to say how bad things still were to lots of different people but no one but her clicked. And that scared me. She asked how bad things were and I said that I still dream of overdosing and the plan at the moment is that if I were to do it again it would be to end things, not just to quieten things.


Something to laugh at? One of the staff and I are planning a parachute for Beat and when she told the doctor she turned around and said "are you sure Aimee'll open the parachute?!" Bit of faith? ;)