Tuesday, 10 September 2013

I'm Staying In One Place

[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm and suicidal ideation]

- Sheffield
- London
- Liverpool
- Durham X3
- Grimsby
- South Shields X3
- Carlisle
- Hartlepool
- Middlesbrough X2
- Doncaster
- Whitehaven
- Darlington
- Hexham
- Leeds
- Birmingham
- Edinburgh X2
- Manchester X2
- Sunderland
- Scarborough

Things have gotten a little harder recently and it's made me think about why it's so difficult to be in a Hospital where the staff are doing nothing but trying to help you get better. Shouldn't this be like waving a wand? Shouldn't I just get better now that all these people are putting all this effort into my recovery? But I guess no one can make you get better, you have to want it, and you have to try and work with them. And perhaps, while I find it comforting to have a suicide plan for the distant future, I can never 100% be trying or wanting to get better.
All of the places above, I went to in a bid to run away from what my life had become, the memories that refused to budge and the experiences that scared the hell out of me. I ranaway to put my life in danger and to see who would still be there when I was safe. Perhaps this will help people to understand how completely hard and horrible it is for me to stay in this one place, unable to run, unable to hide. Someone took away my 'flight' so now all I have left is 'fight' and I am. Really, really hard.