Today, I had my first Unescorted Ground Leave since the overdose in October. The Doctor wasn't too happy about me using it and in all fairness, I had agreed with her that I wouldn't use it until she was happy but I really just wanted some time away from the ward and four of the girls wanted to go with me. It was lovely that when the Doctor was deciding if I could go all of the girls begged her for me! She took me into the Meeting Room and asked why I was suddenly wanting to go out and I told her all the upset that the staff have caused me recently and that being unhappy didn't mean I was unsafe. She made me look her in the eye and tell her I'd come back and eventually, she was reassured that I was going out with the other girls and wouldn't run from them.
We all had a lovely 15minutes, having a giggle and a sing. The smoke shelter we had to go to so that the other girls could smoke meant that the fence I've climbed over to go AWOL was in sight. And all of a sudden things were loud and it was surprisingly difficult not to just make a run for it. I didn't want to, but that stopped being a good enough reason not to because it was that loud inside my head. So the things that stopped me running were the thought of doing that to the girls I was on the leave with and the practical point that I didn't have any money on me so I wouldn't get far.
When we got back to the ward, things got a little louder as I was shouted at for not taking the opportunity and I had to make a decision. Could I bare to lose face in admitting the Doctor was right? I had to; I know that if I want to get better than I need to be as open and honest as possible with that kind of thing so we had another chat and I told her what'd been going on and agreed that I wouldn't ask for the Unescorted more regularly (today's was a one-off) in my next ward round.
My flooding was also sorted today. A little while ago I had the leave written up for me to visit the place my trauma took place but the Ward doctor and Psychologist weren't too certain I was ready to do it so quickly. A lot of 1:1s happened and I convinced them I need to do it now. So in Ward Round last Thursday, I got the date agreed that we'd go on Friday (21st) but then the Doctor changed her mind and in a haze of tiredness, I agreed to leave it until she thought I could manage it. And then I went home... While I was there, I wrote the Doctor a note about how things weren't changing on my home leave; I still get these irrational, impulsive moments when I want to just go to the place but I can't and I feel like every second I have those thoughts whilst I'm home, is time wasted. Luckily, the note had the desired effect and the Doctor booked the vehicle today for us to go on Friday. I know people are expecting me to be really anxious, nervous and reluctant or what have you but I'm actually excited. The way I see it; the sooner I do this, the nearer I get to recovery and discharge.
Bring it!
