Tuesday, 10 February 2015

"I need to figure out which Aimee I am"

"From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole, I've been told what I must do and who I must be. I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched and shoved into a teapot! I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream; I'll decide where it goes from here!"

So, a symptom of BPD, is a disturbance in identity and up until now, I've related to this symptom by the fact that if someone were to ask what kind of person I am, I'd be stuck. I always felt that different people saw different sides to me, which was largely due to the fact I had kept my mental health problems a secret from the majority of people in my life. Two people, knew what was happening but never really got to see the side of me which medical and psychiatric staff did. They, saw an obstructive, rude and uncooperative girl. My friends who I spent drunken nights with, didn't see anything unusual.
So now, my experience of this symptom, has changed somewhat. I've been offered so many amazing opportunities recently (I won a place on the Patient Leader Programme, I was chosen to be a Media Champion curating the hype for Time to Change on Time to Talk Day, I've been asked to attend Rule the Runway and the National Service User Awards...). Now, don't get me wrong; I'm so grateful for these opportunities, but they've raised some questions. I'm struggling to take part in such activities and appear, to everyone, a recovered blogger but then go into therapy appointments and talk about all the negative aspects of my life; both currently and in the past. Contradicting Aimee's. This, has been magnified somewhat by the fact that I was in my local newspaper talking about how I'd overcome my demons and suicidal feelings.
Please don't misunderstand; it's not that I'm feeling unsafe and feel I have to hide it; it's that I don't know how to be the service user who talks for an hour about the worst aspects of her life, and then goes to London for a day of training.
So, I've been trying to get my head around this and understand how to work it out without feeling so mixed and confused.