Friday, 27 February 2015

Judging My Coping Mechanisms

I haven't been to Recovery College since receiving horrible texts from one of the girls there. At first, that was the only reason I stopped going, but then my mental health deteriorated and I lost motivation to go and the longer since going, the harder it became to make myself go. I used to be excited for going into College but when I was due to go in on Monday I found myself dreading it and praying for an excuse not to go in.
So, when my therapist recommended we have a meeting with the manager of the Recovery College, I was a bit reluctant just from the anxiety of wondering what would be discussed but I agreed to it because I reminded myself how much I used to enjoy going.
The meeting began ok; I explained how the horrible texts had affected me and the manager explained that although some of us who attend the College may have used mental health services, we all enter that building as 'students.' I told her that this hadn't been explained to me and she apologised. Then we had a disagreement over whether staff should be involved in such an issue, as she said that it was an out-of-college issue but I pointed out that it affected being in college. And that's when she stabbed me in the heart.
Not literally, obviously! She asked me if I'd ever thought how my actions, behaviour and attitude could affect others and the way they view me.
As someone who was in trouble a lot at High School because misbehaving was a desperate attempt for someone to ask if something was happening to me, I was often in meetings with teachers and my Mum, having to listen to them tell my Mum how naughty I was. So, that was the first issue; it reminded me of those days. And anything that reminds me of those days is not good. Especially at the moment when I'm not doing so well anyway. And then this leads on to something else... For professionals to put so much pressure onto me to tell them about my trauma - and not just a brief overview, the details and the depth of it, but then fail to recognise when they trigger me... It's a little more than frustrating.
And then, they dug themselves a deeper hole. The college manager made some comments about not knowing the real me and then my therapist told me this was what she had been trying to explain; that I put on this fake confidence and it means people are puzzled when something like a bullying text upsets me. This annoyed me. I feel as though if I'm honest and 'real' then I get sectioned, judged, criticized and shouted at. Also, as someone who was bullied at High School, I find that the best way to avoid a repeat of this is appearing like you have confidence and that it's therefore pointless for any bullies to try to affect you.
It's so annoying that you develop ways to cope, to protect yourself after these things happen to you in your life, and then someone comes along and criticises it. No one was there when these things were happening to me. No one was there to hold my hand and tell me what to do to keep myself safe and happy. I tried my best, on my own. I tried my best.