manipulate
[muh-nip-yuh-leyt]
verb (used with object), manipulated, manipulating.
1. To manage or influence skilfully, especially in an
unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.
2. To handle, manage, or use, especially with skill,
in some process of treatment or performance: to manipulate a large tractor.
3. To adapt or change (accounts, figures, etc.) to suit
one's purpose or advantage.
4. Medicine/Medical. to examine or treat by skilful
use of the hands, as in palpation, reduction of dislocations, or changing the position
of a foetus.
I thought
that I’d put the definition there because manipulation is something that can
occur without you even knowing – or realising – it. And maybe someone will read
this post and realise what is being done to them and seek the right help that
they need to make it stop. And this is the point of my post – I had no idea
when I was being manipulated (the Police, and mental health professionals have
also referred to it as grooming which, I realise, is different but the two are
linked so closely that I’d say both occurred. To me).
When I
was fifteen years old, I was attacked by a man at the bottom of the street, he
forced me to an alleyway and when I refused to do what he told me to, he hit
me. I hit my head off the wall behind and was knocked unconscious. When I came around,
my bag was open, but nothing had been taken and dazed, and confused, I went to
school and told my Form Tutor who promptly sent me home with my home to speak
to the Police and my GP.
After the
attack, I began suffering from panic attacks and really bad anxiety. When
someone offers support for you when you’re feeling – and struggling – like that…
it’s not really something you say ‘no’ to. I don’t think I ever properly noticed when
that support turned to something else. I don’t think I realised when his comforting touch became something else.
Or when he began touching me more and more. And when it was without me even
being upset. Without me needing a comforting touch. I don’t think I even
realised that I was being abused.
And this
is the beauty of manipulation.
It can be
invisible.
Another
worrying thing about manipulation is that both, it can happen to anyone, and
anyone can do it. In my life, I’ve heard a lot about inpatients and Service Users
‘manipulating’ the mental health system. This is usually used about people pretending
to be well in order to be discharged from inpatient care or becoming so
experienced in the mental health system that they know what to say and how to
act to avoid inpatient care or other mental health service interventions.
I guess
that’s something I have done; lied to avoid being admitted to hospital. Or
responded to questions in Mental Health Act assessments in ways that I know will
result in a particular reaction from professionals e.g. telling them that I’m no
longer suicidal so that they’ll let me go home from A&E.
I think
that everyone can be manipulative if they really want something from someone or
from a situation. It’s just that it’s painted as a bad quality and a behaviour that
should be denied when accused of exhibiting. But perhaps it’s human instinct.
Worryingly,
I think that it’s something anyone can give you tips on how to avoid being manipulated
because it’s such a cunning behaviour that the entire aim of it, is to do it
without a person realising or knowing. My one tip would probably be to try and
stay aware of any feelings of being taken advantage of e.g. if a friend is
always asking to borrow money. That’s one of the easiest signs of manipulation,
I think.
It’d also
pay to listen to other friends and family who might be able to offer a view
from a different, outside, or neutral perspective on any new relationships you
make.
I’d love
to know your thoughts on this; drop me a tweet or DM on my Twitter, or an
email: aimeewilson@live.co.uk.