“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, dreams are forever”
-
Walt Disney
So, there’s been two blog posts (the first is here
and the second here)
on the Coronavirus and the subsequent lockdown and I think two is
understandable – I mean, I’d be silly to not blog about such a current issue
that’s affecting so many people (including me and my family and friends) and in
such an enormous way. I think, though, that it’s important to get a balance
with the negatives and positives in life; and so many positives have come from the
reality of our situation. One of these has been that the launch of Disney Plus on March 24th
came at the most appropriate of times! Just when everyone is desperate to find
something to keep them busy through lockdown, Disney present us with a hugely
helpful service!
For just £5.99 a month or £59.99 a year, you can have access to a
ridiculous amount of Disney films and TV seasons! I literally didn’t know what
to watch first – if you’re wondering, I finally opted for Frozen!
Anyway! As a belated celebration of the launch of Disney Plus – and
to hopefully convince some of you to sign up for it too – I’ve chosen a
favourite quote from the top 20 movies in my Disney Plus watchlist:
Beauty &
The Beast
“Bittersweet
and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong” – Mrs Potts
Ok, so I kind of cheated and used song lyrics for this one but I liked
them! In June 2012, when I woke up from life support in Intensive Care after making
a suicide attempt, I agreed to go to a specialist psychiatric hospital over 100
miles from home. I agreed because I knew that’s what everyone wanted me to do.
I agreed because if I hadn’t; I’d have been sent there anyway and I didn’t want
to lose control of the decision. I made the decision to be an inpatient with
the conviction that I would and could never change. I honestly believed that I was
stuck with mental health problems and would end up killing myself before I had
the chance to feel better.
Bedknobs
& Broomsticks
“It’s not
what things are; it is what they seem to be” – Mr Browne
I relate this quote to the hallucinations. Hallucinating impacts so
many aspects of life. Aspects that people who’ve never experienced a
hallucination, might never have considered. Might never have realized. One of
these things is that discovering that what you’re seeing or what you’re hearing
isn’t real, leaves you constantly questioning your senses and experiences.
There was a person dressed as a Pig promoting a new Butchers and I had to ask
the person I was with whether they were really there because I was so scared that
I’d hallucinated it. Normally, if you hear someone say something the only uncertainty
is if you’ve misinterpreted it; not if it was even said. Hallucinating leaves you
questioning yourself.
Annie
“Buddha says:
A child without courage is like a night without stars!” – Punjab
Going through sexual abuse and rape aged 15, it took everything I had
not to do all that I could to escape the reality of the situation. I would be
in this person’s first floor office and all I could do while he hurt me was
imagine myself jumping out of the window. But I never did. Instead, I summoned
up all of the courage and bravery that I had and instead, I distanced myself
from what was happening to me and taught myself dissociation to enable my mind
and body to safely cope with the traumatic abuse.
Mary Poppins
“Just summon
up this word and then you’ve got a lot to say, but better use it carefully or
it could change your life” – Mary Poppins
This quote made me think of two things: the first is when I reported
the abuse and rape to the Police. I think it was a huge turning point in my
mental health because on the one hand it hugely helped in reassuring me that I had
done everything in my power to protect others. On the other hand, it was so
triggering to go through the abuse in as much detail as the Police required for
my statement. The other thing that I thought of with this quote was I’m NOT
Disordered, and how using my words has completely changed my life – it has
given me life. Given me purpose. Given me dreams and a reason to carry on.
The Sound of
Music
“I don’t care
to hear anything further from you…” – Captain von Trapp
This is probably something I’d say to my abuser. When he claimed to
be innocent of the entire abuse and rape, I have probably never been so angry.
It was so frustrating that I’d taken such a massive step in reporting it to the
Police and now he didn’t have the decency to admit to it. But then, why would
he have any ‘decency’ when he’s done what he’s done? If I were to be sat in a
room with him right now, I honestly wouldn’t want to hear a single thing he had
to say. It’d be about me being able to say everything I want to say to him. I
believe that if I could, all of the hatred and anger might be relieved – even if
just in a small way.
High School
Musical
“You know,
someday, someday you might thank me for this” – DJ
I used to have little to no respect for the Police. When I was
really poorly with my mental health, I saw them as the enemy because they were
stopping me from hurting myself or from attempting suicide. I questioned
whether they thought I deserved the punishment of being unhappy because that’s
how I felt at the thought of being alive. I wondered if they didn’t think I
should be entitled to have any control over my life. Now? Well, now I appreciate
the whole ‘duty-of-care’ thing and I understand that they have an obligation to
help and to keep people safe and that is all they were trying to do for me. I have
nothing but respect for them now and I really admire all of the progress they’ve
made in their response to mental health crisis.
Freaky Friday
“Actually, I could…”
– Tess
This used to mean something very different to what it does now
because when I was poorly with my mental health, I would have interpreted this
as ‘actually, I can overdose’ or ‘actually, I can cut!’ I would have used it as
a negative and unsafe motivation. Hearing it now, I see it as a motivation to
do better, with everything from bettering the content of I’m NOT Disordered, to
keeping myself safe. I use this to power me on to achieve my dreams and goals
for the future.
The Lizzie McGuire
Movie
“I had the
most magical day of my life. It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you” –
Lizzie McGuire
This quote reminds me of the
party I hosted to celebrate reaching 100,000 readers. It’s five years since
that event but I still stand by the fact that it was the greatest night of my
life. Sometimes this makes me sad to think that after five years, nothing has
overtaken it but then I’m grateful that at least I have it. At least I have had
a night that I can consider to be the best! And the memories of that night –
the networking I did, the fun I had, the things I learnt, and the dancing to
The Killers at the very end of the event with my best friends – will always be
with me and I can always look back on them when I need a little pick-me-up!
Flubber
“I love you
with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level” – Brainard
This quote I would dedicate to my Mum, my Aunt, my best friends
(Lauren, Ellie, Georgie, Becky, and Marty), and my pets! My Mum taught me a lot
about unconditional love as she stood by me throughout the entirety of my poor
mental health. She visited me in hospitals, talked me through crisis after
crisis, and when the professionals decided that I needed to take responsibility
for my own safety, she was the one who fought for me to stop me from slipping
through the net. And my best friends and my Aunt? Each of them brings something
special to my life. Each have given me unwavering support and fun memories that
leave me treasuring them deeply and hoping to never lose each of them. And my
pets – my kitten; Emmy, and my bunny; Pixie – are my greatest company and
comfort when I feel all alone and scared.
The Sword and
the Stone
“Develop your
brain! There’s the higher power!” – Merlin
Yes, I’m one of those people who would rather be complimented on
my intelligence than my appearance. I’d rather be told that I’m clever and good
at something than that my hair is a pretty colour (as much as I like being complimented
on my hair and would totally agree that it’s an amazing colour!). Being abused
whilst I was in High School and having no teachers realize what was happening
to me, really put me off School and my plans to study Law at University
completely vaporized because I was so scared to be in a classroom again. The
annoying thing was though, I thoroughly enjoy learning! I honestly believe that
your brain can be your greatest weapon. That having knowledge on something can
be a huge security blanket and can feel like such an achievement that the hours
you may have to put in to learn things are completely worth it! So, I do online
courses. Lots of them! And I enjoy blogging because every day I’m constantly
learning more about my readers, my writing, my content, and myself.
Peter Pan
“I propose we
leave for home at once” – John
Kind of thought that with the Coronavirus lockdown in place, this
was a bit of an ironic/sort-of-funny, quote! This is going to sound sad at
first so give me a minute to explain once I’ve said it – my two homes since my
mental health first became poorly have never been safe places. I think that this
should speak volumes to the power of ill mental health and self-harm. That my
family home, and my first home by myself, weren’t safe. Or at least, I wasn’t
safe from myself when I was in them. That was only when my mental health was poorly
though, since it’s been well; I love my Mum’s home because it’s like having
respite; a break from my daily chores in my house. And I love being in my own
home because I have the freedom to do whatever I want, and I get to be with my
pets when I’m here. I totally agree with what some people are saying in that we’re
lucky to have homes that we can be in through lockdown.
Lady and the
Tramp
“You’re about
to be replaced” – Tramp
Finding out my ex has a new girlfriend is something I’m yet to
talk about on social media or I’m NOT Disordered because I haven’t really felt
the need. But it’s something that’s relevant here. The feeling of being
replaced and as though you’re nothing special because it’s possible to replace
you. It’s also quite weird because this new girlfriend looks so much like me
that when one of my best friend’s saw a photo of them together, she thought it
was me! I’m so glad that I’m in a new relationship when I found this out
because it’s allowed me the opportunity to realize that maybe it isn’t about
replacement; maybe it’s about moving forward? But replacement isn’t just about
previous romantic relationships; it’s also when someone you love dies and you
feel the need to fill their void with something/someone else. When I had to
make the decision to have my cat; Dolly put to sleep, I didn’t hesitate in
getting my kitten; Emmy within a week! A lot of people thought it was too soon,
but I knew it was the right thing for me and for Pixie and for our home.
Without Dolly, there was a cat-shaped hole in my heart in my home
in my life. Emmy couldn’t replace her. Nothing could. No matter how desperately
I tried.
Toy Story
“You have my
pity” – Buzz
You have to have feelings around someone. They don’t have to be
nice; but they’re there. And it’s taken me a long time to understand my
feelings towards my abuser. Not just understand them, but to also accept them
and learn to cope with them without judging myself for being so full of hatred
and anger! I was once asked whether I had loved him… I won’t lie; I jumped on
the person who asked me that and punched them in the face. There’s no excuse
for violence but for me – then – for someone to have the audacity to even ask
that was equally inexcusable. I think it drove me into such a rage because I had
spent so long punishing myself through self-harm for being so full of hatred towards
him, that the thought I could hold any other feeling towards him made me think ‘if
there were another feeling, then why the hell would I be hurting myself?!’ I guess
I didn’t like the thought of someone believing that I could hurt myself so easily
and that I could feel that I had a choice in the matter. So, I realized that I couldn’t
live a healthy and safe life with all of that anger, and I moved onto fear and
became overwhelmingly scared of him and the memories around what he’d done to
me. That wasn’t helpful. So, pity! I pity him in the most condescending of
ways.
Inside Out
“Do you ever look
at someone and wonder, what is going on inside their head?” – Joy
With this film pretty much being entirely about mental health –
but in a child-friendly sort of way – I pretty much had my pick of quotes from
it! I decided on this one because it made me think about the fact that none of
us really know what another person is going through. They say it’s a British
trait to put on a smile and act as though everything is ok and all is well in
the world when all you want to do is cry – but I think that it’s a human
instinct. A way to survive by not showing your vulnerable side and a way to
maintain your pride by not allowing others to see that you’re struggling at
fear of being deemed weak. It isn’t just about hiding your mood though, it’s
also about hiding your thoughts and experiences. I think that when I was being
abused and didn’t tell anyone, I began acting out and changed my behaviour in a
desperate bid to make someone question why I would suddenly start acting in
these ways. Doing this, has left me constantly curious of other people’s
actions and what could be motivating them; but I think this might make me a
whole lot less judgmental.
Brave
“There’s no
one to blame but me” – Princess Merida
This is how I used to feel about the abuse, and sadly; I think it’s
a very common belief that survivors of abuse often hold against themselves. The
way I learnt to change it – I say ‘change’ because it hasn’t gone away – has been
by telling myself that if it had happened to someone else, I would never tell
them it was their fault and that they were blameworthy for what was done to
them; so why should I be any different?! Why should I think these things – and punish
myself when I would do everything in my power to protect someone else from
feeling that way? Sometimes, when I’m struggling, my response to this is that I
deserve to be punished because I am to blame but really, I’ve come to accept
that a lot of the blame on myself was about feeling that it was easier than
holding blame to someone who wasn’t going to be punished any time soon. Blaming
someone who wasn’t going to take responsibility any time soon. Someone who
might never accept their role in it. It’s a whole lot less complicated to just
blame me.
The Lion King
“Oh yes, the
past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn
from it” – Rafiki
No matter how many psychology sessions you have, no matter how
many DBT workshops you do, no matter how many self-help books you read, no
matter how many self-care apps you download and use; you can’t change what has
already happened. Just how you cope with it and move forwards and on from it.
No one can get rid of your memories and I think that accepting this and
realizing that you may always have them, is the first step to recovery because
without doing so, you’re almost ‘stuck’ in the past and overwhelmed by what has
happened to you. Of course, you can refuse to accept this and can spend years –
as I did – running from the memories and doing all that you can to block them
out. ‘All that you can’ includes using unhealthy and unsafe methods. But how do
you learn from abuse? And why would you want to? Why wouldn’t you run like the
wind?! I think that I’ve actually learnt a lot from what has happened to me;
things about myself, about others, and about the world in general. Learning
from the abuse hasn’t made me grateful or thankful for it, though!
The Little
Mermaid
“Life’s full
of tough choices, isn’t it?” – Ursula
Do I report it or don’t I? Do I want to talk to her or stay quiet?
Should I fight back or just accept this is what’s happening? Should I – You get
the picture! I picked this quote because it’s so true and some might say that
it is especially true in mental health… I’m not sure if I’d agree that were
true for me, though. I don’t see a lot of choice in my mental illness; I don’t
think I have an option when I self-harm. I don’t think that there’s an
alternative when I attempt suicide. Because if I could choose – if there was
even the slightest opportunity for me to pick an alternative coping mechanism
then why wouldn’t I do it? ‘Because self-harming and suicide are easier’ say
those who don’t understand. But it isn’t about what is ‘easiest’ for me. It’s
about learning alternative coping mechanisms and working my ass off to make
them work when I’m struggling so that I don’t self-harm or feel suicidal. Saying
that I’ve chosen to use those safe and healthy skills sometimes just implies
that I choose not to when actually, they just haven’t helped. Haven’t been
enough. I do agree that life is full of tough choices though; there are so many
forks in our paths and sometimes I question whether my decision was really just
me continuing on the journey I was meant to be on, but ultimately, I like to think
that I’m in control of my life and the choices I do make should reflect this.
Cinderella
“Perhaps the
greatest risk any of us will ever taken is to be seen as we really are” - Cinderella
I was so scared writing a Facebook post eight years ago when I finally
announced to my friends and family that I had mental health problems; until
that point I’d hidden my cuts and scars and lied about hospital admissions. I
was about to be taken to a specialist hospital over 100 miles away though, and the
‘average admission’ was 12 – 18 months, and I knew I couldn’t lie for that long!
Other than the worry of being judged, in publishing the post I was also afraid
that I would be defined by my mental health. In a way, I’m glad I had that
worry because it led to the title of my blog; ‘I’m NOT Disordered’ is all about
the fact that having a diagnosis – a ‘Disorder’ – doesn’t define you and it isn’t
all that you are.
The Fox and
the Hound
“Goodbye may
seem forever. Farewell is like the end. But in my heart’s the memory, and there
you’ll always be” – Widow Tweed
Vicki – who slipped through their net
Nana – who read all of my short stories
Saffy – the family cat who gave me company through the abuse
And Dolly – who was always my recovery goal
Alice in
Wonderland
“It’s no use
going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then” – Alice
Alice in Wonderland is probably my absolute favourite film and book
– to the point where some of the girls in hospital paid to have the book edited
so that in place of ‘Alice’ it said ‘Aimee!’ I love how completely far-fetched
it is and that Alice chases a rabbit into wonderland just sums up my
hallucinations so perfectly that I could cry with empathy and comfort. This
quote also defines one of the key ‘symptoms’ of my diagnosis of Borderline
Personality Disorder – the feeling that you can be a completely different person
from as frequently as hour by hour. Your mood and thoughts can change so drastically
and in such a short space of time that it can often seem to others looking in, that
you become a totally different person and it can leave them – and you –
wondering which side of you is the ‘real’ you!
I hope these quotes and how I relate to them have reminded you of
some Disney films you might not have seen in a while and that you’re so
desperate to have a nice blast-from-the-past that you subscribe to Disney Plus –
it’s so easy and hopefully, affordable for you!