I’ve felt some pain,
I’ve seen
some things,
But I’m here
now
Good Old Days
– Macklemore ft. Ke$ha
This year,
having already written a blog post (which you can read here), specifically
in preparation for the inevitable influx of content themed around suicide for
World Suicide Prevention Day; I thought I probably wasn’t going to publish any
other content… Then I found myself working on my next book – which is largely
around the reality of suicide and realised that now might be the ‘right’ time
to reveal some of the top-secret details(!) and talk about how you can cope
with reading topics like this…
My very first book; When All Is Said & Typed (which you can buy here) it was definitely a case of purely copying and pasting all of my blog posts on I’m NOT Disordered from its beginning in 2013, to the date of publishing the book in 2019. It meant that when I began considering another book, I felt it could also be based around blogging for two reasons: Firstly, I had learnt so much about blogging and I’m NOT Disordered had come so far since that first book that I had a ton of new ideas, and secondly, I felt that this book would feel so much more different if it meant I was writing it from scratch. That yes, there were blog posts copied and pasted, but they were mostly to be used as examples of the content rather than being the sole content of the book.
Writing the majority of my second book; Everything Disordered
(which you can buy here) from
scratch meant that it took so much longer to put together than the first book,
but this made publishing it and seeing the sales rise a bit more gratifying! I
got more of a thrill when I talked about it and felt prouder when people asked
me about it. It felt so much more genuine and that led me to feel more entitled
to accept feedback – even if that meant listening to constructive criticism!
Having written a book largely from scratch, has given me so much
more confidence in my writing and this has been a hugely contributing factor to
the improvements in my belief in my capabilities to write an entire fiction
book! Of course, I recognise there’ll still be a massive difference from being
able to use already written blog posts to bulk out the content of the book, but
I love to confront new challenges – I think that ultimately, doing so, will
build your strength and resilience.
I first started writing fiction when I was a lot younger and my
love for a series of books all about the adventures of a Shetland pony
(Sheltie) inspired me to focus my content on talking animals!
Another contributing factor to this theme was that my childhood was pretty perfect. I mean, the abuse didn’t start until I was fifteen and it caught me so much by surprise because until then, I hadn’t known there to be ‘bad’ people in the world. I hadn’t read about or seen interviews on TV with people who had experienced these things, and so my naivety left me in utter shock that was so powerful it seemed to put a pause on my life. As though all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t fight back, and I couldn’t scream for help. I was stunned and for six months, my life entirely revolved around the abuse. Every minute was spent wondering when it was going to happen again – even the minutes whilst it was happening! And it meant that for a while, I couldn’t write any more because I was so utterly terrified that I would write about what was happening to me; and for so many reasons, I couldn’t tell anyone about it.
Going through that, and then my mental health deteriorating to the
point of suicide attempts and a two-and-a-half-year long admission to a
psychiatric hospital, meant that all those innocent stories of horses suddenly
seemed to mean nothing at all. They weren’t even a tiny part of my life anymore
– you wouldn’t know those days had even happened because now all of these very
overwhelming, scary, and upsetting things were happening to me. And they were
so much more real and so much more important. So, thinking about it, it seems
almost inevitable and unsurprising that when I finally continued my writing, it
turned to centring around mental health and my experiences related to that
topic.
So, considering all my experiences with mental health and suicide
attempts, maybe – for some people – it also seemed inevitable that I would
eventually write an entire fiction book based on it. It wasn’t inevitable to me
though! I thought that writing an entire blog for over eight years would be a
good enough outlet to talk about my experiences. It wasn’t until a few months
ago that I realised it would actually be refreshing to write about this topic
in a more distanced, and less personal way by creating characters and inventing
plots and developing chapters… Just the thought of it felt kind of enjoyable –
and I know that might sound bad because I’m still writing about suicide, but
the thought that it wouldn’t be me in those situations felt relieving.
Of course, there is some element of ‘me’ in the book because I
recognise that if it weren’t for my experiences, I probably wouldn’t have the
inspiration and ability to write this type of content. There were so many
occasions in therapy sessions with various Psychologists where they would
recommend, I consider what I would say to my abuser if I were given the chance
to speak to him. A few even suggested writing a letter even though it would
obviously never be sent… Initially, I hated this idea because it sort of felt
like teasing my brain – saying ‘what would you say? Oh wait! You can’t say it!’
But, over time, I learnt the meaning behind this therapeutic exercise – it
wasn’t about playing tricks, it was about finding some sort of closure.
Kind of strangely, when I imagined a situation where I would see
my abuser again, it mostly centred around the circumstances this book focuses
on… Now, I’ve thought a lot about how much detail on the plot of the book that
I should give because it’s fairly easy to explain… and my worry would be that I
did too thorough a job of explaining and it left people thinking ‘why would I
read the book now I know what happens?!’ So, the fact that the book centres
around suicide – and once you know the title, you’ll have a fair idea of the
method that will be discussed – and that abuse comes up in it, is pretty much
all I’m going to give you in terms of the plot! But you’ll obviously find out
more nearer the release date: September
10th 2022.
My decision to focus on those two subjects (abuse and suicide)
wasn’t just about feeling capable of talking about them because of my own
experiences. I also want to use the book to raise awareness of the reality of
those topics. For a while now – since mental health, suicide, and abuse have
become less taboo – those subjects have often become glamourized on social
media. A lot of ‘celebrities’ have begun speaking out about their own struggles
and before you know it, these things have their own little hashtag and are
‘trending’ on Twitter etc! And this is why World Suicide Prevention Day and
other mental health related awareness days, are becoming less popular for those
who have lived through these things, because for them – and me! – these issues
aren’t a one-day-per-year kind of thing! They’re 24/7 and there’s no escape.
Personally, whilst I agree that there needs to be more talk about
this fact, I’m just so grateful that these things even have just one awareness
day! Since the most difficult moments of my life revolved around topics which
weren’t being discussed and I experienced the impact that a lack of publicity
had on my coping through those things, I’ve become so much more appreciative
when there’s even just one chat about these things! I mean, when the abuse
first started in 2006, the lack of stories in the media of accounts of others
being abused meant that I felt like the only person in the world who was going
through it. This meant that I blamed myself to such an extent that I turned to
self-harm as both a release and a punishment. Then, when my mental health first
started to deteriorate and I began experiencing auditory hallucinations in 2009,
I thought I was going ‘crazy.’ I’d heard horror stories about our local
psychiatric hospital and so I was terrified to tell anyone what was happening
because I was sure that I’d end up being dragged off for electro-shock therapy
or that they’d give me a ton of medication and I’d never be me again!
Aside from hoping that my book will raise awareness of abuse and
suicide, I’m also remaining aware of ensuring that whilst the book is largely
about upsetting and difficult instances, it is still helpful for readers. The
thought of all the time and effort that writing this book requires is so much
easier and more worthwhile if I can keep in mind that it’s going to benefit
someone other than me. I mean, in writing this book I’m going to feel a huge
sense of closure in finally having the ability to really offload a lot of
unsaid things, and to be able to do that in such a creative way has definitely
contributed to the entire process being safe and productive rather than
triggering and distressing. Whilst it’s important I do benefit from this book,
at the same time, I hope that readers will draw some positives from it too… I
hope that it might inspire them to consider writing or talking about things
they wish they could say, and in doing that, I hope those instances result in
the reader feeling more courageous, brave, validated and content in feeling a
sense of relief that all those words are no longer just muddled up and crashing
around inside their head, fighting to be heard.
Equal to ensuring readers benefit in some way, I can’t ignore the
fact that the book could also cause upset and distress because of the topics featured
in it. So, having written a blog post a few days ago on how to write about
suicide (you can read it here), I thought
it might be important that I use this post to include a few bits of advice on
reading about suicide…
1.
Creating a reading schedule is not always productive – if you
don’t maintain it, you may end up feeling like a failure and it can amount to
undue pressure
2.
Be in a safe space physically – somewhere comfortable and where
you feel stable in knowing that if you lose reality, you won’t be reluctant to
find it again
3.
Do your reading at a time when appropriate support who may be
needed are more readily available e.g., office hours etc.
4.
Have something to look forward to when you finish reading – decide
that you’ll have some chocolate or that you’ll meet a friend when you’ve read
5.
Ensure you’re as safe as possible emotionally – no matter how positive
your mood, you may feel some natural upset in reading this topic, so it’s
better done when you aren’t already struggling
Finally, the cover!
I chose the background image because I had wanted some sort of
image that represented falling – obviously because of the nature of the title
and content – so I looked at various photos of people standing on cliffs and
tall buildings… They all felt sort of too close to reality. It was difficult
because on the one hand, that’s exactly what I want for my book – to illustrate
the reality of suicide; but I also didn’t want the cover to be so morbidly
accurate! And so, I found the image with the feather and hoped that it gives a
more ‘lighter’ insight into the topics of the book. I also liked that the hand there to catch the feather sort of symbolizes the element of having a 'safety net' and support available where someone is feeling suicidal.
I really hope you like the cover and that I’ve instilled some
excitement at the prospect of this book!