“The power we discover inside ourselves as we survive a life-threatening
experience can be utilised equally well outside of crisis too. I am, in every
moment, capable of mustering the strength to survive again – or of tapping that
strength in other good, productive, healthy ways.”
Michele Mosenthal
Having had a horrific psychiatric hospital admission in February this year (which resulted in filing a complaint to CQC and discovering the ward I was on ended up on the news because they had actually been put under ‘Special Measures’ in their most recent inspection) I found myself briefly under the care of the Crisis Team before being transferred to the Step-Up Team. However, I quickly established the realisation that they were actually making things worse – I felt that I was almost feeling pressured to be poorly so as to not waste their time and to feel deserving of their efforts! Apparently upon discharging me, the Step Up Team told my Mum that I self-refer back to them so when – a few months later – I found myself struggling again, I gave them a call, and on August 23rd I had an assessment with someone from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). She validated that my current symptoms and the reasons for my lack of safety are completely different to those when I struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and said she would be recommending I go under the care of the Crisis Team. Two days later – August 25th – I was put on their caseload…
1.
No matter how
important they are, your memories can be fragmented
One of the most annoying things for me when my mental health is
poorly is that I often struggle to remember things that have happened during
that time unless I’ve written them down/blogged about them immediately or as
they were occurring! I think that a huge reason for my head doing this is as a
protective factor. Having gone through rape and abuse… Well, during that absolutely
horrific time in my life; my head definitely chose the ‘flight’ option when
confronted with the opportunity to ‘fight’ instead.
One of the most frustrating results of this was that the fact that
my head disassociated throughout the majority of the acts of abuse, meant that
I wasn’t able to give some specific details to the Police when I finally
reported everything. Because when I would recall exact occasions/instances it
was often from the perspective of floating on the ceiling and watching it all
happen to some poor other girl that I couldn’t help.
Professionals later said that this almost instinctual response of
mine was likely the largest reason why I began hallucinating and experiencing
episodes of disassociation – because my head had seen distancing itself from
reality as an effective coping mechanism and so I persisted to engage in that
sort of behaviour and attitude whenever things got tough. It’s also meant,
however, that I actually don’t 100% recall the early days of being on caseload
and a part of me wishes that – for the sake of this blog post – I had maybe
written something each time I’d seen them in the last 35 days so that I could
give a bit of a better, more thorough and effective account of my experience under
their care.
2.
Getting my
medication (Aripiprazole) increase
In February, when I was sectioned, I requested that this
antipsychotic medication (Aripiprazole) be increased because when it was in a
previous relapse everything got better. However, the Psychiatrist I saw when I
was discharged from the psychiatric hospital claimed to have reviewed my notes
since 2009 and concluded that mostly, medication didn’t seem to change the
amount of self-harm or how much I struggled didn’t decrease in any way. Even
though I persisted to point out that my last increase had led to me being
discharged from services completely – she stuck to her refusal to do it.
With that experience in mind, when I was put on caseload with the Crisis
Team, they asked me what would be helpful I was hesitant to tell them that I
felt an increase in this medication might help. But I told them anyway and
initially, they said that they tend to only do short-term medication changes e.g.,
Diazepam (which they also put me on) or sleeping tablets etc. but, around a
week after being on caseload, I was offered an appointment with a Psychiatrist
and a member of the Crisis Team to review my medication. And oh, my goodness, was
I impressed?! I felt as though I didn’t even have to ask for the increase; he
just asked me about my ‘symptoms’ (the weird thoughts I had started
experiencing and how they were impacting my safety) and then said that he
wanted to – and thought that I would benefit from – an increase! And I could
not have been more grateful and relieved nor felt so validated and reassured.
Fortunately, the increase has already (just over 2 weeks in)
started working very efficiently in that the two largest, most unsafe beliefs
have completely gone and a new one that’s come up just these past few days is
losing traction too! Of course, this is brilliant news – like, I couldn’t be
happier or more relieved! However, the way I see it, there’s also two – sort of
– downsides – or maybe concerns is a better word to use – to it working so well:
Firstly, it means that the Psychiatrist I saw back at the
beginning of the year who refused to do the increase very obviously made the
wrong decision there. And this, almost instinctively makes me wonder, if she
had done the increase there and then, maybe I wouldn’t have gone through all I
have in the time between seeing her and getting the increase…?
Secondly, it cements the fact that this crisis or relapse has been
due to psychosis and absolutely nothing to do with my other/much older
diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And the reason this is a
‘concern’ is because I don’t know how I really feel about the psychosis side of
things just yet. I mean, with BPD I was immediately like ‘yes, I have all those
symptoms,’ but it still took a while to accept it and it took even longer to
recognise that it wasn’t the definition of me – that it is – or was – just a
part of my life and now who I actually am (hence the title of I’m NOT
Disordered). So, whilst I recognise still that I’ve definitely experienced the
symptoms or whatever you want to call them of psychosis, it’s still hard to
come to terms with the fact I now have this diagnosis (albeit not officially
yet though, that’s happening over the next few months of evaluation with a
community psychiatrist).
3.
Feeling
terrible when they aren’t helpful for others
I have a best-friend who also has mental health problems and is
really struggling at the moment – to the point where the same Crisis Team have
been involved in her care too. Except she says she’s had/having the complete
opposite response from them. And whilst I totally recognise that I’m really
only hearing her side of things, everything she’s said is exactly how they used
to treat me a number of years ago and she’s my best-friend – why would I
disbelieve her or question her? I wouldn’t like if she were to do that with me
if the situation was reversed.
It's been tricky though… that she’s finding herself so frustrated
and feeling alone and failed in every which way possible from the same Team who
– I will 100% say – have a saved my life! A few nights ago, this actually came
to a head, and I found myself ringing the Police and later, I was crying
hysterically at the fact that because services aren’t helpful for absolutely
everyone, I almost lost a best-friend. I felt quite furious to be honest,
furious and frustrated because a part of me recognises that this is the reality
of mental health services; they can’t – and don’t – save every life.
Whilst I wouldn’t want to take anything away from the family of
those who they have lost in this way, you actually have no idea how hard it is
to be the person finding these services helpful and benefiting from them too!
It’s almost very obvious that it will leave you thinking ‘why am I deserving of
their help and these others aren’t?’ and ‘how can I take and accept this help
and support when I see others being so deprived of it?’
4.
Thank You Gifts (in
collaboration with Amazon UK)
I had to see a GP recently and since I’m hardly ever there, I
didn’t know the Doctor I was seeing, but she turned out to be amazing; so I
took some flowers and a card in for her and since she wasn’t in that day I gave
them to the Practice Manager. She told me almost immediately that they very
often get complaints and abuse, but very rarely do they receive compliments or
thank you’s. I told her the ethos I’ve had for a long time – if you’re readily
willing to put in a complaint against a service or professional, why can’t you
be equally willing to tell them when they’ve done a good job? And I get that
the GP should be nice and helpful and should she be rewarded for acting the way
she’s supposed to? The fact of the matter is, not every GP is like her, so yes;
she deserved a thank you. And so do the Crisis Team…
Sentimental
Keepsake: £7.99
Seed Bomb
Card:
£5.99
Ceramic
Keepsake: £7.99
Motivational
Cup:
£9.95
String
Bracelet: £3.50
Thank You
Keyring: £6.99
40 Pack of
Thank You Cards: £7.69
Costa Coffee
Thank You Gift Card: price of your choosing
Thank You
Plaque with Wooden Stand: £9.99
Thank You
Candle: £16.99
Stemless Wine
Glass:
£11.99
Thank You
Chocolate Hamper: £9.99
Motivational
Thank You Pens: £12.59
Decorative
Hanging Puzzle Piece: £5.99
Here’s two photos of the card I got and wrote out for the Crisis Team:
5.
Thinking about the future & the new CPN
So, tomorrow (September 29th) I have my transfer of
care meeting with a member of the Crisis Team and my new Community Psychiatric
Nurse (CPN) who are going to come out and talk about everything that’s gone on.
I was offered that this happen and that I be there for it and decided ‘yes’
because I recognise how important it is to ensure everyone is on the same page
– especially in care around mental health. I realise that there’ll obviously be
some discussion between themselves that I won’t be around for, but at least if
I can hear the bulk of the handover and add in my two cents if I feel something
is wrong, misunderstood, forgotten about, or unclear(!) then, that way, I can
feel somewhat confident and reassured that the new CPN has a good understanding
and appreciation of how hard things have been and all that I have gone through
and experienced these past 35 days!
The Crisis Team have said that they believe the new CPN and I will
get on really well and that she has a lot of experience in working with people
who have psychosis so the notion that she knows what she’s doing, I think, will
be really helpful as I try to navigate my way around it too.
So, thanks to the Crisis Team, here’s to the future!