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Welcome to Blogmas Unboxed!!
I honestly – I don’t even care how stereotypical this sounds – can’t believe the first week of Blogmas Unboxed and December 2023, is done! How fast did that go?! Or just me?! So, today, I’ve chosen to blog about the items from Phoenix Cove that I had made for my Mum; a lovely gift tag, and a beautiful wooden keyring with a connecting design with ‘Like Mother, Like Daughter’ featured (which you can buy here). So, in keeping with this gift, I was inspired to talk about how helpful and supportive my Mum has been throughout the entire process of creating maintaining, and publicising my blog; including in creating Blogmas Unboxed and writing and then hosting a party for my new book; titled ‘You’re NOT Disordered: The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers’ (which you can buy here!)…
I’m at a point now where I feel like I couldn’t possibly say
anything different from all that I’ve literally ever said in talking about the
gratitude, appreciation, and love I have for my amazing and inspirational Mum.
Whether you’ve read I’m NOT Disordered since its creation in 2013 or have only read
the most recent posts; I think it’s safe to say that you’ll know or, at the
very least, not be surprised for me to say that my Mum has seriously saved my
life a number of times.
There were actually so many occasions when I was struggling with
hallucinations or psychotic thoughts and beliefs or memories and flashbacks of
the abuse or a general low mood and suicidal thoughts, that were to such a
convincing degree that they meant I actually genuinely resented my Mum on so
many of those life-saving instances. And believe me, I feel so terrible for
those moments, but I am utterly humbled by the fact that my Mum has done nothing
but understand and appreciate that on those instances, I really wasn’t myself.
I was poorly. Because ‘well, healthy, and safe Aimee’, wouldn’t have those
thoughts and feelings – hence why (when I’m in a much better place) I’m so full
of admiration and gratitude for her… And this, is why I talked about being at a
loss of words because – if I could; if there were enough, powerful, and
adequate words in the world – I would thank her literally every second all day
long!
My Mum has always supported my interests that – over the years –
have ranged from horse-riding to working in retail (Visual Merchandising in
particular)! So, in recognising and appreciating this, when I created, I’m NOT
Disordered as an inpatient in a private psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away
from her; I knew that I would have her support. However, I honestly didn’t
think I’d really need it… I mean, I feel like my first thoughts and intentions in
creating my blog were pretty small and ultimately insignificant (though they obviously
meant a lot to me!) and that meant I really didn’t have any huge expectations
or goals in mind in starting to blog. I certainly didn’t – not even for a
second – imagine that both my blogging in general and I’m NOT Disordered specifically,
would become all that they are today! And so, I couldn’t think that there would
be any really big challenges that I would need help and support to overcome…
My initial intention in terms of the blog’s content and target
audience, was to publish detailed, honest, and open posts about the things that
were happening in the hospital and the steps I was taking (both toward recovery
and in the opposite direction) so that I felt I was better and more efficiently
able to communicate my experiences across this massive distance between myself,
my friends, and my family. I really wanted to experience the thought and
feeling that despite being so far away from everyone I knew and loved, I still wasn’t
alone. And yes, I had been in the hospital for around seven months by the time
I started blogging and so I’d begun to really get to know and build relationships
with the other inpatients on the ward, and had started to develop trust and
bonds with some of the staff, but they really weren’t effective or meaningful enough
to help to prevent me from missing the friendships I had back home.
Whilst yes, I was planning to publish deep and honest accounts of
my mental health, I still had no real worries or concerns for the chance of receiving
any horrible and upsetting comments or feedback due to the fact that my target
audience was solely limited to my few hundred friends and family on my private
Facebook account. So, I very obviously couldn’t imagine anyone who knew me saying
anything spiteful or derogatory toward me nor about the content I created – at least
not to my face, anyway!
In addition to my thoughts on the theme of the content and my prospective
audience, another reason I felt that support wasn’t something I desperately needed
in starting my blog, was that I really had no high hopes or goals in mind for
it. I couldn’t, not even for one minute, imagine still blogging when I was
discharged from the psychiatric hospital! In being admitted to the hospital, the
‘average length of admission’ was stated at being 12 – 18 months so I had recognised
I could be that far away for quite a while; I mean, I had brought two suitcases
with me… But, in all honesty, I thought I’d either not make it in that I would
end up succeeding in a suicide attempt or that the staff would give up on me
and discharge me even if I wasn’t better! However, recovery was feeling more
likely achievable not long after I created, I’m NOT Disordered, and so, being allowed
home no longer seemed impossible.
Another aspect to my thoughts on not continuing to blog after hospital
was the – in my opinion – very practical notion that I had only started doing it
as a means of better communicating with loved ones whilst I was all these miles
away, and so; if I was back home, why would I need to do it anymore? And not
just in the sense of; ‘why would I need help communicating?’ But also, why
would I have anything to communicate?! I mean, if I was just living a ‘normal
life’ living with my Mum and doing normal things that I was doing for the three
years preceding the admission; like, going on drunken nights out, volunteering
at a charity shop, and attending appointments with the Community Mental Health
Team (CMHT), what would I even have to blog about? What would make my content
special?
Now that the blogging industry is so oversaturated, if you really
want to make something of your blog, then it’s so important and essential that
your content, theme, aesthetic, or anything else be special and different to
most others. You really need to have something that will set your blog apart
and provide a level of motivation and attraction for people to choose to read
yours over someone else’s blog that is about the same topic. Fortunately, when
I created, I’m NOT Disordered on January 6th, 2013, there were
really only three well-known mental health blogs and none were written by a
current psychiatric hospital inpatient so without really trying, my blog had a
niche… And I feel terrible to say this, but I didn’t even really recognise the
importance of this at the time because I had no intentions of making my blog
into ‘something.’ I wasn’t concerned with ensuring I would attract a lot of
readers, so I put little to no real thought or serious consideration into my
decision to start blogging. Rest assured though, obviously now that has
massively changed; so, I do really appreciate having found that niche without
even trying!
So, with all of that in mind, I think that I didn’t really need my
Mum’s support in my blogging until 2014 when my discharge from hospital was
starting to be planned, and, at the same time, I received a few horrible
comments on my content. The worst (in my opinion, anyway!) was when I posted a
piece marking Suicide Prevention Day and talked about my attempts, an anonymous
comment wished me ‘luck’ with ‘the next one.’ I think that the one helpful element
to this – the one reason why it didn’t tear me to pieces – was that I was
already considering ending my blog due to the discharge and all my thoughts on whether
my content would continue to be relevant or helpful in any way! However,
whether it is to do with blogging or not, receiving a comment like that which
is intended to encourage suicide can knock your mental health! Fortunately, the
fact my discharge was being discussed meant that I was in a really good place emotionally,
so I was able to cope with the comments safely. But I do still remember talking
to my Mum about the whole situation and her really promoting that I do whatever
felt right for me and to not listen to others because it was my life and if I spent
it not doing the things I wanted to do; then there was every chance I would end
up back where I had started – in Intensive Care after a suicide attempt. And
she was absolutely spot on! So, believing that I wasn’t benefiting enough from
it to make receiving horrible comments worthwhile, I quit blogging.
Leaving the specialist psychiatric hospital to go to the ‘rehab
unit’ nearer home, I had honestly intended for that blog post on September 11th,
2014, to be the end of I’m NOT Disordered! However, by the end of October (the
29th), I was writing a blog post explaining two of the key reasons
why I was resuming blogging:
1.
The first was that I had grown to recognise that having my blog in
the psychiatric hospital meant that if something happened, I would feel
comforted and reassured that I could go and blog about it. For me, this meant I
not only had a release to vent any stress and relieve any pressure, but also
that I had an opportunity to process things properly without any real
consequences. I mean, the ward was such a volatile environment and I think it’d
be fair to say that you could say one thing on one day and no one would blink,
but then you say it on another and it causes a huge, dramatic, mess: full of
arguments and hostility. So, even though I was no longer in that environment, I
had grown used to having this sort of… electronic comfort blanket!
2.
The second reason to resume blogging was that over the month-and-a-bit
of time that had gone by since the last post, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking
of my quitting as some sort of regret in that I began deeming it to mean that
the bullies had ‘won.’ That I had – in a way – given in and admitted defeat,
and this led to my mindset that I had come so far in my mental health recovery
that I wasn’t about to give up on something I enjoyed and which I had found
helpful purely because a few completely random people had made horrible, upsetting
comments. Like, if I could face the horrific memories and flashbacks of the
abuse and carry on, how could I let a comment online ruin something like this?
My Mum was very supportive in me resuming I’m NOT Disordered; she really
helped me to prioritise myself and what was best for me and my mental health
over any worries or concerns about how others might think or feel or what they
might say about I’m NOT Disordered and the content I produce on it. Thankfully,
once I got back into blogging, I was away! I was filled with the notion that
has really kept me going over the nine years since then; that in blogging, I
have found a purpose in my life. I have found a reason why I need to stay alive.
A reason why I deserved to be saved all those times I fully believed that I
didn’t want to be.
Despite this sense of purpose, nine years (ten since creating I’m NOT Disordered) is a pretty long time(!) and so surely, it’s only understandable that there were other occasions when I needed my Mum’s support in my blogging career. The majority of instances where my Mum was most helpful and provided really good advice and guidance were in situations where the motto – which has now luckily and gratefully been instilled in me – “shy bairns get nowt” has been very appropriate! I honestly think that so many people who have only known me since recent years, will be surprised to hear that actually, having confidence in my blog and in my actual blogging aka creating the content, was something I genuinely really struggled with!
I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet, so initially, I was
really reluctant to talk to people about how popular and successful my blog was
becoming in all of the opportunities I was securing. But, after two years of receiving
so much positive feedback from so many readers stating how helpful my content
had been for them, I finally found the bravery and motivation to be more open
and public in talking about my blog. So, with my Mum’s “shy bairns get nowt”
words ringing in my ears, I created my very first press release about my mental
health journey and I’m NOT Disordered’s collaborations and statistics.
Fortunately, it was picked up and I featured in my local newspaper (The Chronicle),
a few news websites (The Mirror and The Daily Mail), a magazine (Take A Break),
on a couple of News channels (BBC National News, ITV local news, and MADE in
Tyne and Wear), and on two radio stations (BBC Radio Five and Metro Radio)! To
be honest, each appearance got less and less terrifying and anxiety-provoking
and when I saw how much the reader count would rise as a result, and I thought
about how many more people that meant I had the potential to help? Well, it
just gave me more and more motivation to continue being this way in regard to
the confidence and the willing to talk about my blog publicly.
Over the years, I think that the one difficulty I’ve had in terms
of my Mum and my blogging, has been our literal, polar-opposite difference in our
attitude and opinions around privacy and the amount of information disclosed on
social media and on my blog. Now, in my eyes, I see talking openly and honestly
as sometimes being very necessary to help others because it can instil a similar
attitude in those who may have previously been reluctant to talk about
something they’re struggling with and where this has been detrimental to those who
it has meant they have avoided or refused to ask for help and/or accept it and subsequently
may have not cooperated with any treatment or therapy etc that has been recommended.
With my Mum’s views on privacy wildly contradicting my own, initially,
when I started blogging, it caused a challenge for me in so far as my blogging
career in that I felt unable to post any content that mentioned my Mum in some
way that she would consider personal and private. I really struggled with this
because in starting I’m NOT Disordered; I had sort of just developed a really natural
inclination to posting about anything and everything and it was fast becoming
almost an automatic behaviour or response to anything important happening in my
life. And so, it was difficult to feel I had to censor or monitor myself so
that I could maintain my Mum’s thoughts, feelings, and wishes. I think it was mainly
the sense of a loss of freedom and having been sectioned under the 1983 Mental
Health Act for over two years, freedom is very obviously – and hopefully
understandably – something I really truly appreciate!
I said ‘initially’ this was a problem in my blogging career because
as time has gone by and due to both my blog and my mental health recovery, I’ve
really learnt the importance of accepting and respecting the views of others. I
mean, my Mum always taught me to treat others how you would want to be treated,
but I think that when my mental health was at its most poorly, I really lost
sight of that, and I think that was because I was so caught up in my anger and the
resentment I held towards all the people who were trying to save my life. However,
in the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) I underwent for over two years, I
learnt to really acknowledge that my thoughts, feelings, and experiences were
no more important than anyone else’s. I think this helped me to also stop any comparisons
I would make in feeling that others had a much more challenging trauma, or
their hallucinations were worse than my own. It really encouraged me to
recognise the value of genuine, empathetic, and sincere, validation and the importance
it can have for many people (including me!).
This was also something that I learnt through my blogging career
too and through my use of social media in general. I believe it’s incredibly rare
that you can log on to a social media platform and not see at least one
controversial post or comment. And with me also focusing my usage of these on
the mental health theme/industry; this is even more impractical! I count myself
incredibly lucky to have not received any negative comments, feedback, or just
general responses to my content (both on I’m NOT Disordered and on social
media) since the first horrible ones over nine years ago! And the fact I find
myself lucky for that, is actually incredibly saddening because I think it really
just highlights and illustrates the reality of negativity online. Though my
experience might be due to the fact that I really try to stay clear of
controversial threads, news stories, or conversations on social media. I do
this by maintaining the thought process that I won’t get involved unless I feel
so passionate that I was prepared for any comeback.
Now, in terms of specifically considering You’re NOT Disordered
(YND), my Mum has been so critically important in terms of motivation and
encouragement because I won’t lie (I mean, I like to pride myself on being open
and honest; particularly on here!) there have been so many instances in writing
YND where I’ve wanted to give up and times when I could have seriously and
absolutely disintegrated into purely exhausted and defeated tears!
There was one particular moment when my Mum was helpful in this
way; and which was so destabilising that it really stands out from the entire
process of creating the book (which took well over one year!). It actually was
in the final week leading up to the Publication Party which I hosted on
November 18th 2023… When I submitted the entire book and manuscript,
Kindle Direct Publishing turned it down due to a fault in the cover – a fault
that was around something I had literally never heard of (DPI for those who
might be wondering and for those wondering what that is too; Adobe have a
really helpful page here!) and so
naturally, I initially had literally no idea how to fix it!
I remember talking to my Mum about it and she helped and supported
me in three very amazing ways:
1.
She made some suggestions in terms of finding a resource to help.
2.
She offered to leave me be in terms of phone calls for a bit until
I’d sorted it out.
3.
She helped me to stay calm by reminding me that I’ve always
figured things out in the end.
The final instance that my Mum was helpful with was in the setting
up/planning of the actual Publication Party! She had the brilliant idea of
pushing the tables in the area I had booked in the Commissioners Quay together
so that everyone was sat at one long table… That might sound like a small or
unimportant input, but it honestly just made the event so much more perfect
because it meant that everyone could connect and talk to each other rather than
people just sitting at separate tables and only really spending time with the
people they already knew. And seeing these eleven amazing, important, and
incredibly special people who mean so much to me, my life, and my journey in
mental health and YND, actually building bonds with each other was so
heartwarming and actually genuinely left me feeling overwhelmed and emotional.
It also meant that I didn’t have to separate myself and stress in making sure
that I spent an equal amount of time with each table of people! So, I’m also
really grateful for my Mum’s idea with this.
Finally, my Mum’s influence and support around Blogmas Unboxed! She
asked a few nights ago what I was doing, and I said I was working on Blogmas,
and she said something along the lines of “have you not finished that yet?” or “is
that not done yet?” It made me really sit up and recognise that she might never
fully understand blogging and all that I do around it, because I think it’s a
career and industry that is similar to mental health in that it really demands
someone with similar experiences in the field and therefore a real knowledge of
it, to feel a real sense of understanding and empathy when talking about your blog
with others.
In talking about me still working on Blogmas, my Mum told me about
when I was little, and she would take me for us to spent Christmas Day with the
rest of the family and how one family member would state that I could only bring
one toy with me! And she ended up stopping going with me after a few years
because she wanted me to have a real proper, child-ish Christmas in being able
to play with all my new toys and gifts. So, when we started having Christmas as
just us, my Mum said she didn’t like the thought of spending half the day in
the kitchen cooking a massive ‘Christmas dinner’ because she wanted to be playing
with me on the floor!
In telling me this, my Mum said that the fact I still absolutely
adore Christmas, get excited about it, and want to do a ton of festive
activities etc. makes her really happy in her decisions Christmassy decisions
in my childhood. So, really, you have my Mum to thank for Blogmas Unboxed!!
