“Stories
make us more alive, more human, more courageous, more loving.”
Madeleine
L’Engle
On
attending a show at Whitley
Bay Playhouse, I just happened to spot the poster
for Alice in Wonderland: The Musical and I think that I literally jumped for
joy with pure, childish excitement! I’ve loved Alice in Wonderland for well over
ten years now with my obsession starting when I read the book whilst a
sectioned (detained under Section 2 of the 1983 Mental Health Act) inpatient of
a psychiatric hospital. I almost immediately discovered just how beneficial the
level of imagination used in the plot was for my ability to use reading the
book as the opportunity for some emotional and psychological escapism. It
provided me with the chance to really block out my environment and, actually, my
entire situation. It afforded me this amazing skill to just fully immerse
myself in Wonderland, become engrossed in Alice’s adventure, and really become
invested in each of the hysterical, but seriously wise, characters. So –with my
love for Musicals also in mind – seeing this poster was incredibly exciting and
I genuinely pulled my Mum along to the Box Office and bought tickets. Then, I
came home and contacted Immersion Theatre to pitch the idea of this piece being
a collaboration and I’m so honoured to have received a ‘yes!’ and to have been
given the opportunity to actually have a chat with two of their cast.
So, I’ve put together this post full of snippets from my chat with Chris Laishley who plays the Mad Hatter and Meg Matthews who plays both the parts of the Cheshire Cat and the Queen of Hearts, as well as a few bits about how I relate to three of my favourite quotes from the Alice in Wonderland story…
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QUOTE #1: “I give myself very good
advice, but I very seldom follow it.”
Recently,
I was talking to a friend about her starting therapy, and something came up
that I said it might be worth telling her therapist that this was something I
noticed she tended to do – that, because of her past, she could take a
relatively insignificant instance and blow it into something a lot larger. And
I more than willingly admitted that I genuinely think that the only reason I
can pick out and spot or observe that type of action or behaviour, is because
it’s something I think that I’m actually guilty of doing myself! Like, a lot!
I feel
like being great at giving advice but terrible at taking it yourself – is
actually a really common difficulty that many people struggle with, and I think
that this is largely because it’s so incredibly easy to show a better
understanding and (ironically) insight(!) of a situation when you’re not the
one who is actually in it! I mean, there have been so many instances when I’ve
spoken to someone – like my Mum – who has been outside of a situation and asked
what I should do about something, only to be given advice that is so simple,
easy, and straight-forward that it leaves me questioning how I didn’t just
think of that myself! It reminds me a bit of when I first started undergoing
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and we were taught all these safe and
healthy coping skills to use in replacement of using self-harm or other
negative and risky methods for dealing with difficult things. The two which
help me the most are self-soothe and distract. Now, how on earth had I never
thought to do something nice for myself or to engage in a hobby or some sort of
activity rather than ending up doing something I very obviously didn’t enjoy
nor greatly benefit from, and which I tended to even regret doing afterwards?! Like
surely if you hate what you’re doing then you desperately search for an
alternative?
So, I
think that the answer to this is firstly, that for the self-soothing side of
it; I was so convinced that I didn’t deserve anything even remotely positive in
life. I mean, I honestly didn’t think I was worthy of anything but pain and –
ultimately – death. That was a mindset I had to really work hard on through DBT
and the most effective way I came through this was by considering what I would
say if a friend came to me with this experience and these thoughts and
feelings. What would I advise them to do? What would I say to them and how
would I support them? And so, eventually, I developed (and have managed to
maintain) the recognition that I didn’t deserve what happened to me, I wasn’t
to blame or in any way responsible for it, and I don’t deserve to keep
punishing myself the ways I am and suffering in the ways in which I am.
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QUOTE #2: “It would be so nice if
something made sense for a change.”
When my
mental health first became poorly, it was very much about the trauma/abuse and
rape, and so, whilst my head felt like such a scary place to be; my thoughts
and feelings around being suicidal and engaging in self-harming made sense to
me. Like, I understood that I felt this way and had these thoughts because of
what had happened to me and because of all my thoughts and feelings around
that. I felt I could pinpoint the cause… But, for my new symptoms and this whole
‘psychosis’ kind of experience and difficulties, I feel at a complete loss if
I’m asked the think of the catalyst on it. Or even, just to determine what has
triggered or worsened an episode or an hallucination.
Being a
Blogger, I’m often complimented on my writing abilities and have very often
been referred to as ‘articulate’ and so I think it is understandable for me to
say that I really enjoy and benefit from the feeling of being able to understanding
something. I like to be able to have a name or definition for something – it’s
one reason why getting a diagnosis is useful to me and my mental health because
I find it comforting. For me, to be given a diagnosis symbolises that other
people have gone through something similar to my own experiences and this makes
me feel less alone and more reassured that there’s help and support available
and therefore a possibility you can come out the other side.
Since
these psychosis symptoms first begun last year though, things have stopped
making sense though, and – in all honesty – I haven’t felt very much hopeful
since that change. It’s the weirdest thing though because when I’m having these
psychotic beliefs and intruding thoughts, they actually seem to make all the
sense in the world because I’m 110% convinced that whatever they are/say is
incredibly true. Even when it sounds sort of distant and farfetched. Even when
it doesn’t believable. I believe in it. And I guess that’s the bit that doesn’t
make sense; that you can experience something or hear something, know it isn’t
true, but believe it wholeheartedly anyway. As though the scariest and hardest
thing in the world would be to question it and to try to cast doubt on things. But
still, that – finding the absolute truth and reliability in everything – is
something that you so desperately want.
QUOTE #3: “If you don’t think, you
shouldn’t talk!”
This
quote felt pretty perfect in regard to the three recent complaints I’ve had to
put in against my local NHS mental health Trust: one against their psychiatric
hospitals and two against two separate members of their Crisis Team staff. I
mean, especially the two with the Crisis Team because it was literally exactly
what happened – both staff spoke without thinking (or, at least, according to
both staff they had said what they said without thinking!).
I
actually my second (and final) complaint response back just the other day and
was told the staff hadn’t even been due to log onto her shift until a while
after my call so she hadn’t really been ‘prepared.’ My thoughts? Maybe don’t
answer a bloody phone call about a mental health crisis until you’re
ready to!! Like, how the hell was it worth the risk? Like, how could she
possibly think ‘I’m not ready to talk to someone yet, but I’ll answer the call
anyway because surely what I say won’t matter that much?!’ Surely, working for
such a team, you have a really natural understanding and knowledge that even in
the role of a ‘Call Handler’ you’ll do important work. I mean, you don’t take
on a job like that without having an appreciation for the role the Crisis Team
play in so many people’s lives; and doing that, should mean you therefore
recognise the importance of being prepared to answer calls when you start
answering them.
Then, with the response for the other complaint against the Crisis Team, it was written that they felt staff would benefit from ‘education intervention’ to help callers feel validated and not dismissed and that the team are empathetic. Now, surely you hire people for a mental health crisis team based on them naturally having those qualities (empathy, validating, a good listener)? Like, surely you don’t take people on who you think ‘they could do with some training to be better for the job, but we’ll hire them anyway?’ The whole thing stinks of irony that I learnt to take responsibility years and years ago from constant and consistent lectures from the Crisis Team, and yet they’re the ones failing to do so now!
And,
finally, here's the video from the entire day:
*Photography: DW*