"What
you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by
achieving your goals."
Zig
Ziglar
In a recent career opportunity, I found myself having a lot of moments where I was thinking ‘I know that because of my blogging’ or ‘I learnt how to do that through blogging!’ And it is these moments and in celebration of I’m NOT Disordered reaching two and a half million readers, which have inspired this blog post where I’m going to chat through all the influences and the ways in which blogging has impacted me and changed my life…
The
largest change to my levels of honesty, has come with my willing to be open
about very difficult topics like my mental health and my experiences of rape
and abuse.
First,
the rape and abuse. The improvement to talk more about this is a huge change
from when it was actually happening in November 2006 until April 2007 and I was
absolutely, 100% silenced and felt literally incapable of telling anyone what
was happening to me. For those entire six months of hell, I felt I had an
entire list of reasons why I couldn’t report it to anyone… At the top of the
list was the conviction that I wouldn’t be believed and second to that were
thoughts around embarrassment and a fear of the judgements people would make of
me if they were told. That if people believed it was happening, they would
either think I was weak for allowing it, or that I was completely deserving of
the entire thing.
So, for
those entire six months I desperately tried to instead, show people that
something was happening to me by changing my behaviours and my attitude to
everything. I would talk back to teachers at School, be rude to them, interrupt
classes in whatever way I could, refuse to do my homework and assignments, turn
up late or not at all! At home, I was barely eating and would shower for over
an hour at a time. But it wasn’t until my abuser’s employer overhear an
argument that the truth came out.
It was
a few months after the one instance of rape, and he had tried to hurt me again
in his Office, but it was one of a handful of times that I actually managed to
fight him off and I ran from the room. He came racing after me and we began
screaming at each other as we ran through the building. As we got down a flight
of stairs and into a corridor, I screamed “think of your wife and children!”
and suddenly there was a bang and we both turned around to see his employer
launch out of his office right next to where we were. He’d overheard my comment
and demanded of me: “what gives you the right to talk to him like that?!” And
seemingly, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and the truth just
poured out of me, amongst a river of tears too! The employer called me a
manipulative liar and I was ordered to leave the building and not return.
When my
Mum came to pick me up, I was faced with a choice; should I be honest and tell
her everything that had happened and risk being disbelieved again? Or lie and
say I had no clue why they were treating me this way? And so, I lied. For two
years…
Even
after my first suicide attempt in mid-2009… Despite being in such a desperate
and scary situation, I refused to explain to anyone why I’d made the attempt
and with everyone baffled and at a loss in finding a motivation or rationale
for it, I was assessed by two Psychiatrists and an Approved Mental Health
Practitioner (AMHP) and subsequently detained under section 2 of 1983 Mental
Health Act. This meant that when I tried to leave hospital before completing
the life-saving medical treatment for my attempt, I was restrained and given
mild sedative injections. Then, when the treatment was completed and I was
deemed medically fit, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital.
When I
finally ventured out of my room there and went into the communal sitting room,
I saw other girls showing signs that they too could hear voices and it put two
thoughts in my head:
1.
If
I didn’t get help now, I’d end up still being there at their age (40’s).
2.
I
wasn’t alone and they had likely confided in staff, so why shouldn’t I?
And
before I knew it, I found myself telling a Psychiatric Nurse on the ward and
she immediately called the Consultant Psychiatrist who came and asked me a ton
of questions about the hallucinations. In the end, I was in that hospital for
around two weeks when I started looking into College courses and the Consultant
deemed that to be a step forward in me finally considering having a future and
I was discharged. But, Googling College courses, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly
cured, so – unsurprisingly – within just a few months I had made another
attempt and was sectioned again!
It was
on my third admission though, that I finally told someone about the rape and
abuse. I had just been transferred to a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU)
because I kept going AWOL from the unlocked ward I’d been on, and I had gone to
sit in the walled courtyard when another patient came out. I was terrified at
first because she didn’t look overly friendly(!), and she had massive bandages
covering the entire length of both arms. But I thought it would look rude if I
just got up and left as soon as she’d come out and without much thought, we
began talking. She told me that she’d been raped and abused by a family member
when she was younger and now had multiple diagnoses of Depression,
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and BPD. The fact she had confided in me
and that I had this notion of safety and an awareness/belief that she wouldn’t
judge me, I just blurted out my own experiences of rape and abuse!
We
ended up talking for about two or three hours out there in the courtyard before
it started getting dark and as the conversation was sort of drawing to a close,
she said that she felt she had to tell the staff what I’d told her. At first, I
was a bit annoyed and betrayed because I felt that I’d told her with the
understanding that it would go no further, but after a few minutes thought, I
came to realise that I could understand her position. That actually, it was
thoughtful and kind of her to tell them for me because she was doing so with my
best interests at heart. She knew it would be beneficial for my mental health
if I finally talk about what happened to me and that it would be productive and
reassuring for me to take the steps to be confident in the fact that I’ve done
all that I can to protect others from my abuser. And so together, we went to
one of the Nurses and then she had us meet with the Ward Manager who called the
Police and kickstarted the whole process of reporting things to them. And in
terms of my silence, I’ve never looked back!
So, how
has blogging improved or changed my honesty around the abuse?
It
really didn’t feel like too long after I created, I’m NOT Disordered that I
realised it was affecting others, and I think part of this recognition came
from the fact that when I was little, I used to write short stories for my Mum
and Nana, and I remember seeing my Nana smile and laugh at them. And I think
that was the first time I learnt that your writing could influence a thought or
feeling in its readers, and so I guess that’s why it didn’t come as a huge
shock or surprise when I began receiving comments and emails from my blog’s
readers telling me how helpful my content had been for them. Whilst I say it
wasn’t a shock, it was still overwhelming in the beginning – and sometimes
still these days too – because it’s honestly odd and somewhat surreal to think
that the words I write in my one-bedroom bungalow in Northumberland are
affecting people all over the world.
My
greatest achievement or moment in relation to my content helping others came
not long after posting this piece of content: You CAN Get Through Reporting
Your Trauma | I'm NOT Disordered
when I received an email from a reader. She told me that as a direct result of
reading that piece, she had reported the abuse she’d experienced when she was
younger, and the offender was actually arrested and charged! I almost couldn’t
believe it to be honest! Like, how could my words – which I actually felt I
hadn’t put a whole lot of thought or effort into putting together! – have
basically changed someone’s life so dramatically?
I think
the largest motivation or reason behind how I was managing to be so honest and
open in my content, was that it felt like a whole lot less pressure and
expectation to put it out there to strangers than it did talking to my loved
ones or professionals involved in my life/mental health care. I mean, it was
actually a whole different ballgame because it felt like I could be a lot less
afraid of the response I received – which is kind of ironic considering the
nastiness that’s frequently reported regarding online bullying and trolling,
and the impact it has on a person’s life and their mental health in particular.
But the response of loved ones would mean a great deal more and be more
influential on my life, my thoughts, and my feelings than the response of
complete strangers. I mean, it’s like that key concern I had which had
contributed to silencing me about the abuse – the worry that I wouldn’t be
believed because I knew that as soon as a loved one heard about it, they’d be
backed into a corner and forced to choose a side of whom they believed and
trusted more. And if it wasn’t me, what support would I be left with? Whereas,
if a stranger emailed and said, ‘I don’t believe that happened,’ how much would
that matter? What difference would that really make to my life?
The
second motivation/reason behind my honesty on the rape and abuse was born from
the discovery that writing – or typing! – about it, was so therapeutic for me
personally; my mental health seems to really appreciate and massively benefit
from it. And I think this happens for two reasons:
The
first is that blogging is an outlet of sorts – it gives me the opportunity to
have a deeply honest and open rant about things. This was especially
therapeutic when I first created, I’m NOT Disordered as an inpatient and there
were literally multiple dramas per day in terms of interactions between staff
and other inpatients and inpatients with each other. With the psychiatric
hospital I was in specialising in helping and supporting those with a diagnosis
of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and key symptoms of that being
irrational and uncontrollable anger, unstable mood, and erratic relationships,
it made for a massively volatile environment where there was almost a permanent
sense of trouble coming at any minute.
Another
contributing factor to relationship issues was due to the fact that everyone
was detained under the 1983 Mental Health Act, and this meant the staff had an
enormous amount of control over our lives and more specifically, our freedom.
It was like you needed permission to do anything and everything! And a lot of
people don’t take too kindly to have a lack of say over those things and so
there was often a lot of resentment and frustration between inpatients and
staff. Then, the symptoms of BPD also played a role in disagreements and dramas
between inpatients. As well as the fact that everyone was in a different place
or stage of recovery or of their mental health journey and this meant some were
thinking more clearly, safely, and rationally than others. And sometimes this
meant people would clash over the inability to understand or appreciate someone
else’s attitude or coping mechanisms.
One of
the largest feuds whilst I was on the ward came almost at the end of my
two-and-a-half-year long admission, when the staff put the entire ward on lockdown,
and we were all sent to the communal sitting room whilst our rooms were
searched. It turned out, someone had snuck a blade onto the ward from their
leave and then a number of the girls had then passed it between each other to
self-harm. I was honestly astounded and horrified with this. Regardless of the
fact I had used self-harm as a coping mechanism myself, I would never encourage
or in any way enable someone else to do it too. And so, when the girl who
everyone suspected as being responsible for bringing the blade onto the ward in
the first place swore that she hadn’t, I was furious! I couldn’t understand her
thought process – or that of any of the other girls who had passed it on – and
having finally overcome my own difficulties in taking responsibility for my
actions and the impact they had, I massively struggled to witness her refusal
to do it too. And it really saddened me to think that people might have once
seen or judged me the way that I was seeing her. It was honestly scary to
recognise that mental illness could have this effect on someone. That it could
contribute to someone becoming that sort of person.
The
second reason I found blogging therapeutic was because it provided me with the
platform and opportunity to actually process my thoughts, feelings, and
experiences. When my mental health was at its very worst, I really struggled to
consider my actions and coping mechanisms before I carried them out. Rather
than take the time to carefully think about the impact they could have – not
just on myself and my health (both physical and mental) but also on my loved
ones and others around me and on my relationship with all those people – and the
unsafe and unhealthy cycle that they were causing. I mean, I would self-harm to
cope with something, but then the impact it had – whether that be that it upset
my Mum, that it led to a horrible response from the Crisis Team or Police, or
that it resulted in really painful and stressful injuries to myself and then
difficult, subsequent treatment for those – would lead to me feeling that I had
another reason – or multiple reasons – to do it again!
I find
that in taking the time to write – or type! – things out, I’m given time to think
things through and to really thoroughly, effectively, efficiently, and properly
consider any actions or responses I’ve been about to do or have been
considering doing. It’s given me the chance to recognise all the impacts,
affects, and influences those actions or coping mechanisms could have on both me
and others and consider how doing those things could make me feel or the
thoughts they could cause me to struggle with experiencing. In blogging about
things, there have actually been multiple instances in which doing so, has
honestly, literally stopped me from self-harming or has even genuinely stopped
me from making a suicide attempt! Which is why I really do mean it when I say
that blogging has been truly lifesaving. Why I don’t mean that lightly nor am I
saying it just for show or for impact and effect. It really is heartfelt and
genuine.
Now,
the changes to my honesty around my mental health… How was it before blogging?
For two
years after that awful response when I reported things to my abuser’s Employer,
I didn’t mention the traumatic rape and abuse again to anyone and instead, to
cope with the horrifically upsetting memories, I turned to unsafe coping
mechanisms that ranged from restricting my diet, over-exercising, drinking
(yes, underage), smoking… I started hanging around with a group of people who
were incredibly bad influences and not exactly the greatest of up-standing
citizens in the community! And when a fight broke out between my group of
friends and another group, and the Police were involved, my Mum stopped me from
seeing them again and I turned my focus to schoolwork and tried to throw all my
attention and energy into that as I studied for my A Levels at a local College.
It turned out, however, that I’m just not a classroom learner and so it seemed
that no matter how hard I worked and studied, I just couldn’t get brilliant
grades!
So, when
I was leaving my weekend job in 2009 and started experiencing auditory
hallucinations in the form of a man’s voice, well, that was another breaking
point for me. A silent breaking point. I was so terrified of what would happen
to me that I didn’t tell anyone. I’d heard horrible rumours, gossip, and
stories about my local psychiatric hospital and people literally just being
dragged from their homes by people in white and then tied to beds and given
electric shocks! And of course, I was filled with the conviction that I must be
‘crazy’ if I was hearing voices, and as a result of my silence, I was unable to
get help and support for this symptom and as a direct result of it, I ended up
making my first suicide attempt just over two years after the abuse had
finished (April 2007).
As I
said earlier though, it was that third admission to a PICU in which I finally
reported the rape and the abuse and sadly, it wasn’t the quick fix to my mental
health as I’d hoped and as I felt I’d been led to believe by all the
professionals encouraging me to explain my actions. If anything, it worsened
the care, help, and support I was receiving from those professionals because
hearing I’d been through a trauma meant they stopped considering Schizophrenia
as my diagnosis and started thinking about a Personality Disorder. And that
shouldn’t be a bad thing at all! But with absolutely no specialist services in
my locality for someone with that diagnosis, none of the professionals
understood it and when you don’t understand or have little to no knowledge about
something, it becomes scary and you’re at heightened risk for doing something
wrong around it due to your misunderstanding and ill-informed judgements and
assumptions.
For the
following three years after reporting the rape and abuse, I was mostly – in
absolute fairness, there were a few good staff amongst all the terrible ones! –
treat incredibly poorly by both my local mental health NHS Trust and many
Police Officers who would often become involved in my care/life in crisis
situations with my mental health. Their horrible attitude and dismissive
responses were to such a negative and debilitating degree that it led to me frequently
making the comment “because they make it worse” on the many instances where I’d
be asked by A&E staff why I hadn’t called the Crisis Team before
self-harming.
This
poor treatment, really affected my honesty around my mental health because I
felt that I had confidently learned and recognised that when I was honest and
open, I was criticised, poorly treat, dismissed, and/or labelled an
‘attention-seeker’ and a ‘drama queen.’ So why on earth would I voice my
thoughts, feelings, and experiences? Why and how, could I trust or confide in any
professionals with these overwhelming and upsetting details? I felt I couldn’t
be confident as to the response I would be shown because there was just no
continuity in it. Like, the helpfulness and levels of productivity of the
response, literally depended upon which member of staff answered the phone or provided
an appointment or assessment and what mood they were in at the precise time!
It was
really hard to accept because I recognised that these were the people and
professionals who were meant to be best placed in helping and supporting me
through my mental illness. They were supposed to be the ‘right’ people for the
job – like the Police often argued with psychiatric staff (yes, in front of me
or at least within hearing distance, and yes this was hard to hear because it
led to a lot of self-blame with thoughts that I’d put everyone in this
situation; that I’d caused the entire thing!) because they’d say that it wasn’t
their job to be taking care of people with mental health problems. And as right
as they were about the Police not being here to do that, they were very wrong
about the Crisis Team and other mental health staff being the ‘right’ people!
And their failures, almost explained why the Police were ending up getting
involved – because psychiatric staff were being neither efficient nor effective
in the help, support, and care that they were supposed to be providing.
Eventually
– in 2011 – I left home and tried to live with my Dad down South for a fresh
start, but after a short time, things got bad again and I ended up being
sectioned. In the psychiatric hospital, they made a phone call to my Mum and in
it, they asked if I’d undergone Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and neither
of us had even heard of it. The staff explained that it was actually the
recommended treatment for someone with a Personality Disorder and so
immediately, my Mum was on the phone to all the professionals that, before I
left the area, had supported me from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT)
asking why on earth it had never even been mentioned. And their response was
that they had no one in the entire, local NHS Trust that was actually even trained
in facilitating it! And so, when I was transferred back to the North, the
inpatient Consultant Psychiatrist recommended to CMHT that they begin looking
to have me admitted to a specialist Personality Disorder hospital out-of-area.
Whilst
an inpatient, I was assessed by the nearest hospital, but they refused to admit
me because of my flight risk and their ward wasn’t secure (there are different
levels of ‘secure’ in psychiatric hospitals which basically refer to the doors
being locked and the processes to access or leave the wards etc). So, after
being discharged from my local psychiatric hospital, I met with the specialist
hospital that was actually 127 miles away from home, but on hearing how
structured and regimented it was, when they offered me a bed there, I refused
to go. But in Summer 2012, it stopped being my decision and after a suicide
attempt landed me on life support for the first time, I woke up to be told that
I was going to that hospital whether I liked it or not (I later found out
there’d been a huge, elaborate plan to section me if I hadn’t agreed to go!)! But
I came to two conclusions that led to me agreeing to go:
1.
It
was my absolute best chance of recovering.
2.
If
it didn’t work, I was more likely to be able to commit suicide all that
distance away.
And it
was around six months into my admission in this hospital that I created I’m NOT
Disordered, and my blogging career began! Which leads me nicely into answering
this question: how has blogging helped or changed my honesty around my mental
health?
Immediately
on my content, I was honest and open about my mental health with my very first
blog post (which you can read here) being about how my agreement
and creation of a safety plan with my Key Nurse around me starting to write
about the abuse for the staff to read (with the thought that it would help them
to be more supportive and understanding with me) was making me feel. The panic,
the anxiety, the concern for my safety – everything! And I think that I managed
to be so honest straight away because I had the distinct impression and belief
that I was setting a tone for the rest of the blog; and as convinced as I was
that my blog would likely only last as long as my hospitalisation (the hospital
stated the average length of admission to it as being 12 – 18 months), I wanted
that time to be full of the truth. I wanted to use that first blog post as a
means of telling readers “this is how it’s going to be. This is what you can
expect from me/I’m NOT Disordered.”
A huge
reason for this was because it’s fairly common for bloggers or influencers to
change as they build, nurture, and grow an audience or following. Like, when I
first started blogging, I followed this Blogger/YouTuber who really led the way
in the Influencer career/industry, and she took on so many amazingly huge and
impressive opportunities and collaborations but then she seemed to become
complacent and less active online when she reached a few million
followers/subscribers and bought a multi-million-pound home. Almost like she
was satisfied with how far she’d gotten, and it was enough for her. I guess I
can understand and appreciate this thought process, but it’s just not in my own
work ethic. Instead, I’m very much how Victoria Magrath of www.inthefrow.com (you can also follow her
Instagram – which is the social media platform she’s most active on – here, but there’s also her Facebook page;
here)
seems/appears to be; she recognises and celebrates her wins and milestones, but
doesn’t stop literally working her ass off to achieve more and better the work,
projects, and the content she creates. I’d really like to think that this is a
very similar work ethic and thought process that I have and work/create according
to as well.
Having
been the follower of an Influencer who changed, I can really appreciate the
thoughts and feelings of my blog’s readers and recognise that to maintain such
a huge (having 2.5 million of you have made even that word seem to be a bit of
an understatement, to be honest!) audience, it’s important that I be really consistent
in both my attitude and my content. In all honesty, I don’t want to let anyone
down and I don’t want to have readers think I’m one thing and then turn into
something else and them feel mistaken in some way or betrayed after believing
me to have a certain quality and then I lose it, or it turns out I’m not all
that dedicated to it. I have this mindset of: ‘why bother, if later down the
line, I’m going to be anything less?’
Some
people might argue that you shouldn’t care or be that bothered about what other
people think of you, and I recognise this and agree in a way, I just feel that
is more about a social life and that my blogging career is a whole different ballgame!
And in thinking about this topic of caring what others think of me, I
remembered this blog post: WHY I CARE WHAT YOU THINK |
YOU’RE NOT DISORDERED COVER REVEAL!!! | IN COLLABORATION WITH DINKY DESIGNS
FROM ETSY UK & INCLUDING A DISCOUNT CODE!!! | I'm NOT Disordered where I discuss this more intensely and in a far more detailed way.
But it basically boils down to the fact that going through those three years of
being labelled an attention-seeker and all the other horrible misjudgements
professionals made about/on me, has really influenced this attitude I have
around recognising the importance of how others see you. Because I’ve seen the
difference it can make to your life. And, more specifically, to your mental
health and all the influences and impacts that can have on a person’s attitude,
behaviours, and even safety levels.
I also
feel that my regard for what you all think of me, is a sign of respect and
appreciation too. I think it shows that I recognise your power, influence, and
impact. That I realise, know, and accept that neither myself nor my blog would
be where we are today in terms of popularity, opportunities, and general success/recognition
without all of you! You truly make I’m NOT Disordered into all that it is – yes,
I created it and yes, I think of, create, and publish the content; but what
difference would any of it make if it wasn’t for all of you? For your
attention, your support, your interest, your dedication, your investment, your
time, and your word-of-mouth publicity…
The
final way in which blogging has impacted my honesty and openness around my
mental health, is through the creative platform – that I talked about earlier –
which I’m NOT Disordered provides me. Being able to create content of different
formats – video, photos, graphics designed on Canva, poems, lists,
collaborations, Series posts… Well, it means that I feel less pressure in
talking about my mental health because I have a real sense of control over how
it’s done. And it’s like when I was told a member of my family had shared the
story of my rape and abuse with someone and I told them that yes, it’s very
obviously public knowledge, but it’s my story to tell. It’s my life. And –
whilst I fully recognise this isn’t always possible – I really do like and
thrive off of having the control and power over how it’s told.
This
little mantra or ditty is something which my Mum actually taught me about a
number of years ago. Now, unfortunately, I can’t remember the exact situation
that inspired or gave her reason, motivation, and need, to tell me about it but
I have always applied it to seeking opportunities for my blog – and, in a way, for
myself too.
Before
I started blogging, I had exactly zero confidence in my writing ability and
actually, in my abilities in general! A huge part of this – I think – stems from
the treatment I received from my Art and Design Teacher at High School when I
took Textiles as an optional subject for two years for my GCSE’s. I watched as
she gave encouragement or constructive criticism to my peers and then I winced and
cried as she just completely, verbally, tore my own work to pieces!
Her
having this huge difference in attitude and response was even worse than if she’d
been like that with everyone because it would have meant that she was just a
horrible person. But, to single one person out to be mean to? Well, it meant
that I saw how positive and productive she could be, and it filled me with the
distinct feeling and belief that she was choosing to treat me this way. And surely
there was a reason for that. Surely it meant I’d done something to deserve it… So,
I wracked my brains to think of what I had done wrong and after a year or so of
her poor treatment – when I hadn’t been able to think of any reason for
deserving it – it began to affect me, my mental health, and my schoolwork.
Mostly –
and most relevantly – however, it impacted my confidence. It got to a point
where, when we were set an assignment, I would ask everyone else in the class
what they were going to do and then when I finally had an idea of my own, I’d
ask a ton of people what they thought of it before actually doing anything about
it! That’s how unsure and doubtful of my abilities I became, and the desperation
I had to not receive any more horrible comments from the Teacher.
I think
something which made this relationship and experience with the Teacher even
harder, was that throughout my childhood, my Mum, other loves ones, friends, and
previous Teachers, had always instilled encouragement in me in terms of my
talent, skills, and abilities. I mean, on a Parent/Teacher conference in Middle
School, a Teacher actually said to my Mum that she thought I’d end up being a
Journalist when I was older because of the quality of my writing! And my Nana
was forever asking when my next short story was coming! So, having a kind,
compassionate, and encouraging upbringing, meant that to suddenly be treated
with any attitude but that positive and productive one, was a total shock to
the system and a notion which felt alien to me. Like, perhaps if I’d always struggled
to gain support and positivity from people, then perhaps the Teacher being that
way, would’ve just been water off a duck’s back!
Some
people may be thinking that at least the Teacher was consistent but actually,
her motivation for her horrible responses, were the opposite. There were
assignments where I’d follow the prompt literally, and she’d say I should have
been more creative. So then on the next assignment, I’d be more imaginative,
and she’d turn around and say that I shouldn’t be thinking so out-of-the-box!
It was like I literally couldn’t win! Nothing I did was good enough and that
was sad and hard because despite her nasty response and attitude, I still
craved her approval! I still wanted to hear good feedback about my work, and I still
wanted to be treated like everyone else.
This
terrible relationship with her, meant that when the rape and abuse started, her
comments and treatment became even harder to cope with. It felt like it was
just a matter of time before there’d be a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s -back
type of incident and it started to make me feel reluctant to attend class and/or
if I did, I struggled to want to do any work in it! I felt defeated and was
left with the belief that if I couldn’t win, there was no point in even trying.
I had lost all my fight and determination, and it was almost like I had been
beaten down into nothing. That I’d lost everything that had made me, me! I was
no longer passionate about being creative, I didn’t enjoy doing fashion drawings
as I used to, and I even stopped writing short stories.
I think
that the first way that this reduction in confidence changed and began to
improve, was through having Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) as a sectioned
inpatient of a specialist psychiatric hospital for around two and a half years.
One of the most impactful DBT skills came from the Emotion Regulation module
and was around Self-Validation (you can read about it and even download a
worksheet to do an exercise on it, here).
It is typically based on acknowledging and accepting negative thoughts and
emotions you’re experiencing, and this can also be applied to any critical thoughts
that are undermining your confidence and abilities or supporting any thoughts
that are contradicting horrible comments from others which are affecting your confidence.
The second
help with my confidence was I’m NOT Disordered’s success and popularity and the
positive comments and feedback it influenced from complete strangers who were
reading my content. Having complete strangers say I’m talented at writing or
that my creativity is inspirational, meant a lot more to me than a loved one
saying a similar comment because I felt confident that these people had
absolutely no invested interests or bias. They had no reason or personal gain
to be found in complimenting my abilities in both writing and being creative, and
so I trusted their comments and feedback more. I felt a greater sense of belief
and validation from them – as much as I appreciated and felt grateful for the
same, supportive comments from my loved ones! Those from strangers just felt
like a whole new ballgame and therefore it felt understandable that they meant
something different to me.
So, how
did I cope and get through two horrible comments I received from readers in
2014 after just over one years of blogging on I’m NOT Disordered? Well, initially,
I didn’t cope at all because it led to me actually closing the blog down in the
beginning (12th) of September 2014 (you can read the post announcing
the closure, here).
And the blog remained shut for over one month, during which time I began to
miss blogging and just generally being creative in creating content online. I
mean, blogging is a whole different story to posting on Facebook or publishing
a tweet or a post on Instagram! Not that there’s any more or less creativity
required for one than the other, just that I think it can actually take, or demand,
a whole different skillset, passion, and talent.
I also
missed the therapeutic aspect of blogging/creating content and the relief that
I’d feel when I’d write about an unsafe thought, a challenging or sad emotion,
or a difficult experience. I was beginning to recognise that without my blog, despite
being transferred to a rehab unit in the grounds of my local psychiatric
hospital, my mental health was starting to go back downhill and I was really
struggling with the feeling that I’d lost my ability to vent and the platform
that I’d apparently come to rely upon to both rant about annoying and frustrating
events, thoughts, and feelings, and really process the difficult moments and
the thoughts and feelings that they brought up. And so, after just over one
month, at the end of October 2014, I wrote a blog post opening I’m NOT Disordered
back up (you can read it here)
and despite a ton of super challenging moments over the years, I’ve never
looked back and never even come close to considering closing it down again.
Never come close to quitting.
With my
new-found confidence and newly established reliance on I’m NOT Disordered and
blogging with the additional appreciation and understanding that it was useful
for my mental health and a huge part of the influences and maintenance factors around
my recovery, I began developing an interest, passion, and investment in the ‘shy
bairns get nowt’ mantra that my Mum had taught me. Despite not remembering why she
originally came out with it, I know for a fact it was related to my blogging
and I think, when considering what I typically relate it to – when it becomes
most relevant and appropriate – it was likely to do with either writing a press
release or a collaboration pitch (in keeping with those two themes, here are two
useful, recent, and relevant blog posts: HOW
MY COLLABORATION GAME HAS CHANGED IN 12 YEARS | I'm NOT Disordered and THE
ULTIMATE GUIDANCE TO WORKING WITH AN INFLUENCER | I'm NOT Disordered!).
The
reason these two instances (writing a press release and a collaboration pitch) came
into my head when I was thinking about this mantra is because these are the
instances in your blogging career when, I believe, you need the biggest balls!
Don’t get me wrong, I fully recognise the guts and confidence it takes to publish
a blog post – no matter what the theme/topic – but I do think that these two occasions
are when you need to be the most ‘out there.’ They’re the times when it takes a
lot of courage because you’re basically stepping out and singing your own
praises – or at least, the praises of your blog and your blogging career
specifically. I mean, that’s what it means to write a press release or to create
a collaboration pitch – you can’t be successful or effective in doing either of
those two things if you don’t ‘big up’ your blog or your blogging abilities.
Just
over one year ago, I teamed up with St Oswald’s Hospice on this
collaboration, and in the creation of it, we actually ended up also
collaborating on a two-part Series (Part One is here
and Part Two is here)
about writing Collaboration Briefs! Now, this is obviously different to a Pitch
(the Pitch is where you’re presenting a potential partner with the idea, and
the Brief, is where the collaboration is pretty much agreed upon and you’re
setting the responsibilities and guidelines etc for it) but, for some bizarre reason,
I’ve not written a blog post about Pitches (that will have to be changed!). However,
throughout that Series, there are still instances where confidence and not
being shy, are as absolutely vital as they are to a Pitch!
I feel
that this is particularly true when it comes to writing the USP (Unique Selling
Proposition – which is discussed in Part Two of the Series!) in the Collaboration
Brief because this is literally the part where you have to tell the partner why
your blog or social media account is the best platform for them to work with.
Your USP could range from the size of your following to your personal
experience in the industry your partner represents e.g. if you were to work with
a fashion brand, you could talk about why fashion matters to you and whether
you’ve worked in retail before… things like that.
A press
release is incredibly similar in that you’re basically writing about why a
media outlet should feature a story about you/your blog. A few years ago, in
addition to a blog post with tips on talking to the media (which you can read here
and which was off the back of my appearance on Channel 4 Dispatches), I
actually also wrote a blog post titled: EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WRITING A PRESS RELEASE | I'm NOT Disordered and the
first subheading is literally: ‘the confidence build-up to writing my first
press release.’
Now,
when you’re someone who doesn’t typically or naturally blow their own trumpet (something
I blogged about way back in 2018, but you can read it here),
praising yourself and your blog – or even just recognising achievements and
celebrating milestones, can feel kind of alien and fill you with the notion
that you’re somewhat ‘out of practice’ in doing it. And this – and the usefulness
of the shy bairns get nowt mantra – ended up being very relevant for me with
public speaking!
A
reminder of how I used to be with delivering presentations and giving speeches actually
came up on Facebook a few days ago when the Memories feature brought up that
around ten years ago, I’d given my first speech. It was the closing speech of the
2015 Story Camp hosted by Time To Change (I wrote a blog post about the event, here).
I told my Mum about the reminder, and we reminisced over when I was at the event
in London and about to do my speech, I called my Mum and was slightly hysterical
(I actually wrote a blog post about nerves and anxiety after a speech I gave
last October, you can read it here)!
My Mum ended up giving me some supportive tough love and said to get myself
into that auditorium and focus on why I was doing it and how huge an
achievement it would feel when it was over! So, I did! And I got a standing
ovation afterward!
Her
words on focusing on why I was giving the speech ended up being a real key to
my commitment to the shy bairn’s mantra because remembering my motivation (something
which I blogged about the importance of telling your story, here)
has helped me to face and conquer my nerves, anxiety, general uncomfortableness,
and reluctance in all of these activities (press releases, collaboration
pitches, and public speaking!). It’s powered me through those challenging
thoughts and emotions that have, genuinely, had the real potential to get in the
way of me doing these things and was actually one of the two bits of advice I
gave on public speaking in this
blog post! And I’m so glad that I’ve managed to get through things or I wouldn’t
have been offered/accepted/carried out the opportunity back in February of
speaking at a National Conference for the Royal College of Emergency Medicine (RCEM)
and that was one of my most incredible milestone achievements (hence there
being TWO blog posts about it; one here
and one here!)
because emergency medicine has obviously been so life-saving and life-changing
throughout my journey.
I remember
at that event, people kept asking if I was nervous and I told them that if
anything, I was more excited than I was nervous… Until I got up on the stage
and faced the huge, imposing, and intimidating room full of all these professionals
with incredibly impressive job titles! That’s when the nerves and things kicked
in, but I pushed through it with the thought of what I wanted to achieve by
giving the speech – the thought that my speech might be able to contribute towards
someone being in A&E in a mental health crisis and actually being treat in
an empathetic, kind, thoughtful, useful, and productive way. And that made me
thing, what the hell are my nerves in comparison with the impact my words could
have?! Like, how can they possibly have any more significance or importance
than what could be achieved by ignoring them?
In
addition to this mantra being related to levels of confidence, there’s also the
matter of what I gain from publicising my blog… I was once asked why the ‘numbers’
mattered so much to me, and it was done in a way that was intended to be
embarrassing and to make me feel like a terrible, superficial person. But I ended
up being grateful for it because it was something which I felt I should have
the answer to in case I was asked again and also, it ended up feeling good just
knowing my answer and understanding my thoughts and feelings around it…
So, I
came to the conclusion of two benefits that I experience as the reader count on
I’m NOT Disordered rises. The first, I’ve pretty much covered because it’s
about the fact that each ‘number’ represents a person – a person that, if they’re
reading my blog, I then have the potential to help or at least positively impact
with my content. The second reason was also kind of discussed already because
it was the fact that the higher the reader count, the more opportunities – like
giving speeches, collaborations, and featuring in the media – I’m offered.
This
was something I quickly realised when I began featuring more and more collaborations
on my blog, and I noticed that my pitches received more attention and were more
likely to receive a positive response if I mentioned the number of readers I
have as soon as possible in my contact to the potential partner. And I guess it
makes sense, like, why would a huge brand or charity etc put their time and
effort into a collaboration that would receive ten views? Aren’t they far more
likely to care and consider a partnership that would gain hundreds of thousands
of new followers? In the same way that I would want to work with someone or an
organisation that is well-known and influential in the industry.
The
final huge area of my life that blogging has impacted, has been around my
thoughts, ideas, dreams, and plans in terms of an industry in which to study and
seek education and/or a career in.
From almost
the beginning of my mental ill health in 2009, to finally tackling it in
Therapy in 2014 (which I blogged about here),
I held this belief – or conviction – that I was destined to die young. I fully believed
that I had been put on earth to kill myself at a young age and in a way that
would draw attention to the failures of mental health services. This belief left
me with very little hope or expectation in relation to having a positive and
productive future or even really achieving anything in life. It was almost like
I was working against myself, like I was out to destroy and undermine myself.
And what didn’t help at all, was my forever-changing thoughts, dreams, plans,
and intentions around industries for my education and career journey.
For the
two years immediately after the abuse, and as a direct result of it, I wanted
to become a Lawyer because I thought it would be a career that would help give me
the opportunity to look for justice for other survivors. It got to the point
where I opted for relevant subjects to study at A Level and was offered a place
to study a Law degree at a local University. But then, on a day that I had
three exams back-to-back, I made my first suicide attempt and after being
sectioned for a few weeks, I very obviously failed my A Levels and was left
with no idea what to do with my future in terms of education and career.
My next
idea for that, stemmed from thoughts around my childhood and considerations
around what I would want done differently if I were to have children myself.
For anyone curious, the one change I would have made to my upbringing was how
sheltered and naïve I was. It was difficult because I recognise that a parent
will have an almost natural instinct or want to shelter their child/children
from horrible events and issues. I just think that if I’d been more aware that
horrible people exist in the world, when the abuse started, I wouldn’t have
been so caught off-guard, full of disbelief, lacking in knowledge and
understanding, and with no idea what to do about any of it! I mean, I didn’t
know the word ‘rape’ and my only recognition that it was all wrong was that it
felt wrong, that it was physically painful, and that it was so upsetting and
saddening. And that all made me think, ‘surely people shouldn’t be allowed to
do that to each other!’ Had I known or heard of abuse and rape and known that
there were forensic examinations and tests available that could prove it had
happened, I would have reported my experiences immediately. I wouldn’t have
taken two years. I wouldn’t have waited until I was suicidal. I wouldn’t have
waited until it was too late to provide physical evidence of it. And how different
would my life have been?!
So,
those thoughts on re-doing my childhood, led me to the idea of wanting to work
with children and I tried to enrol on a Child Care course at a local College
but in my DBS (named CRB back then!) check, there’s a box where the Police can
use their discretion to include details that they aren’t in any way expected or
compelled to mention. And they chose to include that I had been known to run
away from psychiatric hospitals! The College ended up saying that they worried
that if I couldn’t look after myself then how could I be left responsible for
young, vulnerable children?! Which, looking back, was a perfectly valid and
understandable point or concern for them to have but back then, it felt like an
insult. A means of attacking me and limiting my future and any success I could
have in it and almost inevitably, or predictably, later that day of receiving
that DBS and the comments/decisions from the College to not allow me on the
course, I self-harmed but in a way that could have cost me my life and was
sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act.
It was during
that hospitalisation that the belief kicked in and I lost all determination,
dedication, passion, and interest in considering any kind of education or
career in any industry at all! I just didn’t see a point to it. At one point in
the three years between that first attempt in 2009 and the long-term hospitalisation
that began in 2012, I enrolled in a local College and began studying an Access
to Higher Education course which is basically for mature students and is the
two years of A Levels condensed into one year. So, I opted for the courses that
would get me into a Psychology degree and did all the research into how many
years it takes to become a Clinical Psychologist (a lot!). But, having over 60
admissions to both medical and psychiatric hospitals in those three years, made
holding down some sort of routine in so far as education, incredibly
challenging and frustrating and I ended up quitting and leaving the course.
When I
was in the psychiatric hospital that I was admitted to in 2012, as I started to
progress and come into recovery, I began thinking about a career in retail. When
I was studying my A Levels, I had worked in a huge retail store in Newcastle
(the nearest City to the Town I live in) and then in those three difficult years,
I had various voluntary roles in charity stores too. The role or responsibility
I had enjoyed most was doing the window displays and the wall displays within
the actual store, so I did some research and discovered a career/role called
Visual Merchandising which is basically managing how a store looks and regulating
the displays in accordance with wanting to sell specific items and/or having a particular
theme etc. It meant being involved in fashion – something I’d wanted to do in
my younger teenage years – but in a creative way that still avoided having to
draw or make things because my confidence in that realm was still destroyed by
that Art and Design Teacher at High School who I spoke about earlier in this blog
post.
The Occupational
Therapy staff ended up buying books for me to learn more about the career as
well as books which had fashion drawing exercises in them in a bid to build my
confidence back up because there was sometimes a level of expectation that a
Visual Merchandiser is comfortable with at least sketching store layouts etc. But
then, in April 2014, I finally confided my belief in the Psychologist and she
set me a task which I discussed in the blog post about it that I linked earlier
(this
one) where I had to list facts that supported the belief as being true and
reliable, and things which went against it and had proven it to be false or at
least, things that made me question its validity.
Undermining
this belief, came at the perfect time because I was around just over one year
into my blogging career (which I’d started January 2013) and was just starting
to find a real, keen interest and passion for the communications and marketing
industry in general. So, it meant that in losing that belief, there was
actually something ready to jump into its place and fill the void it would have
left behind had I had no alternative plan or thought in regard to my education
and career. And I feel lucky that timing happened because I likely would have struggled
to stay strong in defying the belief if I had nothing to fall back on and
replace it. And this is a well known and recognised thought process in psychology/therapy/mental
health: that in getting rid of a negative behaviour pattern or habit, you need
to have something to replace it with. I think it’s because it’ll work to keep
you motivated and give you something nice and enjoyable as an alternative to anything
you used to experience with what you’re stopping doing.
In investing
myself in the comms and marketing industry, I began studying online courses on
the topic… Here are my five favourites (but in no particular order):
1. Internet
Marketing Strategies for Business Diploma - Centre of Excellence
2. Freelance
Journalism Diploma - Centre of Excellence
3. The
Anthropology of Social Media - Online Course - FutureLearn
4. Digital Wellbeing
- Online Wellbeing Course - FutureLearn
5. Digital
Skills: Digital Marketing - Online Course - FutureLearn
Doing
those – and more – courses was a real test of my passion and dedication to the
industry because I found that they didn’t even feel like a chore or a huge commitment
– or at least not one I resented or was begrudging of! I fully enjoyed learning
more about this topic and finding ways where everything I was learning could contribute
to improving my blog or my blogging career in general, in some way. It meant a
lot to see how the two things (the online course and blogging) I was spending a
lot of my time doing could engage and interact with each other and be useful to
one another.
Yes, I still
have surprised moments where I think back to how close I was to studying a Law degree
and now, I’m blogging for an audience of over two and a half million and being
able to let my creativity run wild in my communications and marketing efforts!
I wouldn’t change it for a second though, my Nana always said that everything
happens for a reason and so I try to think along that track too and believe that
things have worked out the way they’re supposed to…