And I Still Felt A Failure

So, today was home leave day. The original plan was to get up at 9am and leave at 10 (you have to be awake an hour before you go out on leave so they can assess your mental state) but I woke up at 5am, then at 6 then again at 7 so I got up  and was ready for the staff by 8am. The NA who was my driver was asked to take a girl to hospital and I got upset that I was going to lose time off my leave (I was written up to be off the ward 8am-8pm) but then a nurse suggested we all go in the car to the hospital then we could go straight to mine.
We got to my home at 11am and I got a lovely cuddle off my cat, then we walked into the town centre (me, my Mum and the two staff) and went in a few shops before I got my hair cut; I got the ends trimmed and some short layers put in to give it some volume after all the hair dye and things I've put on it recently! After that, me, my Mum and the nurse went for a Chinese and then we all walked back home. I'd been really nervous for being in the town centre on a Saturday because I knew there was more chance I'd see police I recognised from all the times they've 136'd me (section 136 of the Mental Health Act 1983) but luckily I only saw the back of a car as it drove in the opposite direction.
We watched a film at home and as the time passed I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and nervous. How was I going to cope on the way back? What would I do when we got back to the Hospital? We left at about 5pm and I suggested taking my anti-psychotic meds because on my last home leave I'd took it before things got bad and then avoided taking Lorazepam (a mild sedative). We stopped for food on the way back and when we got back in the car I started crying as I felt more and more worried for getting back to the ward. I was so scared the voices were going to start telling me to cut myself, but they didn't. The nurse suggested I rest my head on her knee so I could sleep and I told her; some staff are just set that hugging is unprofessional but others have the right way of thinking that sometimes there's a time and place when it's right to hug or show affection. And especially if it avoids taking meds.
Now I'm back on the ward and the nurse who'd went on my leave came to make sure I was doing ok. We decided on a plan for me for tonight; finish this blog entry, watch some comedies, read and take my sleeping tablet to make sure I get a good sleep tonight so I feel a lot more reassured that I have this plan in place now and she said she's on tomorrow so she'll help me come up with things to do through the day too.
All in all, pretty successful home leave, yet for some reason...  I still feel like a failure.

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