We can’t change the past. All we can do is learn from it. So, don’t
get me wrong; these aren’t regrets. They’re just things that I’ve learnt now.
1.
You aren’t weak
I always believed that in not stopping the abuse and not reporting
it to anyone meant that I was in some way weak. I believed it took someone strong
and courageous to be able to tell someone they’ve been hurt in the way I had
been. And it does take strength. And it does take courage. But at the same
time, not telling someone doesn’t make you weak.
There were so many motivations
for me not to report the abuse, but it’s taken me years to see that my not
talking when faced with all that was actually… understandable. Like, who could
blame me when I was being threatened and was convinced that I wouldn’t be believed
and would be judged, and my feelings of shame worsened?
2.
Don’t drink that bottle – it won’t help anything or anyone!
The summer after the abuse ended, I began to use alcohol as a
coping strategy. I drank to forget. I drank to block the memories and the
flashbacks. I drank to stop feeling. To numb myself. I couldn’t cope with
feeling so angry, sad, ashamed, frustrated… All of these negative emotions were
just swimming around my body and I couldn’t control them – couldn’t stop them
or slow them down. And I didn’t like it; not having control. I’d spent months
having control taken from me in one of the worst possible ways and now there
was something I could easily do to take control back. Drinking was controlling
my feelings; subsiding them so they weren’t so overwhelming.
3.
Those horrible girls won’t matter in a few years
When I was 15 some girls who I thought were my friends, started
bullying me. They’d call me a bag of bones, told me I’d never keep my boyfriend
and call me names over good old MSN Messenger(!). They used a ‘friend’s’
account but when I asked who it was, they told they were my ‘worst nightmare.’
How trivial is that? At that age though, it was intimidating and whilst I
already felt alone and like the only one being hurt; I now felt alone and that I
had no friends. I didn’t know who I could trust; I think that I knew the nasty
messages were coming from the girls I called my friends, but I didn’t feel
confident enough to move away from them. Now, everyone has grown up and I’m still
in touch with those girls – in fact, they read my blog and I just think it’s
funny where we all are in life. What each of us is doing with our lives and
just how different we all are.
4.
Your writing will get you somewhere – stick at it!
Growing up I used to love writing. As a child, I was forever
writing short stories and I always excelled in English lessons and I remember
one of my Teachers in Middle School told me and my Mum that I’d be a Journalist
when I was older! As I got older though - and especially after the abuse
started – I stopped writing so much. I think that I was so worried I’d write
out all of my thoughts and feelings around what was happening to me and then
someone would read it and they’d know everything. At the time, I was too
terrified by the idea of someone finding out that I didn’t stop to think how therapeutic
it might be for me to write everything down; to get it all out. It’s like this
guy says on America’s Got Talent(!) – you can’t dream when you’re just trying
to survive. Well I couldn’t do anything nice or for myself when I was putting
all my effort into breathing. I’m very lucky that something I enjoy has
actually become the thing that I can do all the time.