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With this
year’s theme for World Mental Health Day being: ‘making mental health and
wellbeing for all, a global priority;’ I thought about my own priorities.
Initially I thought about how much they had changed from being at my most
poorly to being in recovery, but then I realised that actually, they had
changed – almost a dizzying number of times – at various stages throughout the
entirety of my mental health journey. My blog, however, has always remained so
high on that list of priorities that I thought I’d write a piece that purely focuses
on the priorities which, I believe, are essential for when you’re blogging
about mental health…
There are a number of factors which I believe have contributed to I’m NOT Disordered’s popularity and success, but the one I feel has been most key is that from Day One, I have focused on myself, and the impact blogging has on my life. I mean, for so long the main priority in relation to myself, was centred around self-harm and suicide; and I was utterly convinced that I didn’t deserve for anything ‘nice’ to happen to me. But then, after over six months in a psychiatric hospital, I finally began to see that I was worthy of doing whatever I could to maintain my safety and keep my mental health in a positive state. And when I had a really therapeutic 1:1 with my Key Nurse that left me believing that I was on the right path for recovery, I had the very appealing thought that I wanted to document it; and so, I’m NOT Disordered was created…
As soon as I began blogging, I felt this sense of purpose. I had
spent over three years honestly, utterly convinced that I had been put on this
earth to commit suicide in a way that would highlight the failure of mental
health services. So, to discover that maybe there was an alternative – maybe I had
gone through everything I had in those past three years to be able to write
about it and help others. I say ‘others,’ but in the beginning, my target
audience was solely my family and friends on my private Facebook account. The
intention with that was to improve their knowledge and understanding of mental
illness in a way that might not only help them to support me and other loved
ones, but also that it might encourage them to speak up if they were struggling
too. This kind of reminds me of that Friends episode where Phoebe is saying
that there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed because even if you’re doing
something for the sake of others, you’re still wanting that good response. It’s
still about you benefiting from it!
In all honesty, the feedback I get from readers every day is so
motivating and really contributes to my assurance that what I’m doing is worthwhile.
I mean, as beneficial and therapeutic as it is for me to have the opportunity –
through blogging – to talk about things and process them in a better, more
efficient way than doing so in my head; it can sometimes be challenging. Besides
the typical difficulties in blogging e.g., the time and energy it takes to
create content, the chaotic nature of attending events, conferences, and
meetings, and the need to have some sort of knowledge of technology; it can
also be hard and draining when I have to put some emotion into a piece. When the
post means I need to delve into the past… And the hardship with this is that
I’m paranoid that if I was to moan and groan about stress levels, I’d be met
with a response centred around “no one’s making you do this!” And that I’d be
told to be “more grateful” for all the opportunities my blog and its popularity
have earned me. To those who hold these beliefs; I just want to reiterate the
fact that I’m still a person! No matter how much I may want to blog about
something, that doesn’t mean it’ll always be easy to do so. You can have all
the motivation in the world to talk about a trauma, but that shouldn’t lead to
the assumption that it makes it somewhat less difficult.
Aside from the beneficial thoughts and feelings I get as a result
of my readers, and that bringing on the notion of me finally feeling that I
have a purpose, another way blogging has helped me is that it’s really
strengthened my ability to put my mental health into words. I think that I
turned to writing because I’ve always enjoyed it – ever since I was little and
wrote little short stories about animals (mainly horses because I used to go
horse riding) going on adventures – and so, when it became apparent that the
professionals were completely misunderstanding what I was experiencing… Well,
their misjudgements labelled me as an attention seeker and they doubted the
validity of the hallucinations I was seeing and hearing; so, I was kind of
desperate to find a way that would help them understand because I believed that
in doing so, I would be better treat and supported. In fairness, I shouldn’t
have had to do this – I should have been treated with kindness, empathy, and respect
regardless of any doubts or conflicting opinions.
The thing was, however, I could kind of appreciate where they were
coming from. I mean, what they saw was this girl saying she was suicidal,
asking for help, and then running away and causing a massive drama! When
actually, the hallucinations and overwhelming thoughts would encourage me to
self-harm or attempt suicide and doing those things would silence everything.
With everything silent and manageable, I recognised that I didn’t actually want
to die and so I’d go to hospital or tell someone what I had done. But then, upon
getting help, everything would start up again and I’d feel like I was completely
under the control of the hallucinations, memories, and my thoughts and feelings
and so, I’d run away or refuse medical treatment for whatever I had done.
Fortunately, starting to write about how I was feeling, what I was
thinking, and why I was doing the things that I was, almost instantly changed
the response I received from the various professionals – particularly the
Crisis Team. And in doing so, I found that when it came to reporting the abuse,
doing a ‘written statement’ was actually kind of therapeutic because I had learnt
the power and importance of words/writing so I had a decent amount of hope that
the statement would prove effective and helpful for the Police’s investigation and
everything that came with it. And I think this – both acknowledging the impact
of writing and experiencing that impact in a beneficial way for myself – has
proven quite crucial in my blogging career. It’s helped me to really be aware
of the potential influence my content can have on all its readers, and that
makes me more conscious of what I publish so that I can aim for the best
possible response.
In blogging, though, you definitely can’t always get it right; and
I think it’s arguably fair to say that the more readers you have, the more
likely you are to not be able to please everyone. And this is another aspect of
mental health blogging that can affect you having yourself as a priority,
because it can lead to the question and consideration: ‘how much does my
readers response affect me?’ I mean, you have to weigh up whether you can still
enjoy blogging when you are told – or find out – that your content has had some
sort of negative impact on a reader. And do you want to continue blogging if
people are sending you nasty comments?
So, this is where the notion of ‘balance’ is so important, because
whilst it says you’re such a good person if you feel some sort of sadness for
this, it’s equally essential that you do things to protect yourself from that
overwhelming you. This is yet another aspect I’ve learnt from personal
experience because just over a year after creating I’m NOT Disordered; I
received three horrible comments on my content and quickly found myself making
the decision to close the blog down completely. I think that as much as I
enjoyed blogging, I hadn’t yet recognised the benefits it was having on my
mental health and how it was genuinely contributing to my recovery. But, after
a few months, I realised that my blog was more important that I had ever
appreciated, and resumed… With vengeance and a new-found passion, strength, and
determination to resist any power negative comments could have over me and I’m
NOT Disordered.
There’s an opposite side to that too though. There’s the side
where you find yourself disinterested, less passionate, or just too busy to
maintain your blog, but the thought of the impact that could have on your
readers leaves you reluctant to stop blogging. Now, after a little while at the
psychiatric hospital I was admitted to in 2012, I found myself adopting the
belief that I should start putting more effort into therapy and cooperating
with the staff to get better for the sake of my Mum and other loved ones. The
hospital staff stressed that I needed to get better for me. That I had to want
it too. As it turned out though, working harder at recovery for the sake of
others meant I became safe and stable enough to then find the motivation from
myself. And having that experience, of doing something for someone else left me
questioning ‘what would be wrong if I wanted to stop blogging but continued
purely from considering how readers would feel?’ My experience left me
wondering ‘if I did push myself to continue for readers, would I rediscover my
dedication in the meantime?’
I’ve come to the conclusion, though, that if I were to publish
content under some sort of pressure or without my heart being truly in it, that
would be worse than just completely closing I’m NOT Disordered down. I think
that it would be obvious to readers that I was writing things under some sort
of duress and without any real passion or interest. That it would show through
the quality of the content and that would make it all really off-putting
because I think so many people are used to me publishing pieces that I’m really,
personally, invested in. And I’d like to think that element of dedication, is an
attraction and draw to my blog. That – through my posts – it really shows just
how much I benefit from blogging, and if I were to lose that quality, I don’t
think I could continue to blog with the one reason for doing so being for the
sake of others.
Blogging alongside my recovery (which I’d say is something I’m
still journeying through) really helped me to feel that I have a source I can
turn to when I convince myself that I’m taking more steps backwards than I am
forwards. I can look back to the blog posts I wrote whilst in the psychiatric
hospital, ones I wrote after self-harming, and ones where I was so overwhelmed
by the hallucinations; and see that I have come so far – I mean to the point
where I’d say I feel like a totally different person! Which makes sense because
when I read some of the things I thought and felt back then, that just doesn’t
really relate… Like, they’re things which I could never imagine myself saying
these days. To the point where – when I’ve needed to go through the archives to
quote or link to a previous post – I’ve genuinely considered deleting some of
them because I just don’t like the thought of people reading them and thinking
that I’m still that person! Ultimately, though, I like that they illustrate just
how drastic things have changed and in addition to this encouraging me, I hope
that it reassures readers too. That it shows they should have hope and that
they find comfort in the notion that recovery is possible.