Monday, 11 March 2013

I Got Sick Of Pretending To Be OK...

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

I've been keeping of writings about the 'trauma.' I said something about it and the DBT facilitator asked why I was so 'blasé' about it and I told her 'if I let it get to me the way it could and the way it has the power to... I'm worried it'll destroy me.' And then she asked if I still hated myself for what had happened and I explained that I hated myself and I hated the other person involved, but my hatred for that person was so strong I thought I could kill them but that's illegal so instead, all I can do is hate myself and sometimes I hate myself more to make up for not being allowed to hate the other person as much as I know I can. Because if I could hate them then I wouldn't be running away from here to overdose, I'd be running to kill them. I  can't. So I run to overdose. And I live hating myself.
I was taken on my leave and on the way back I told my escort that the other nurse had been joking she would give me 3 or 4 escorts and I said I wouldn't have blamed her if she had after what I'd done to her at the hospital when I'd been in for the overdose and she'd had to restrain me with an NA until they could get help from the medical staff. My escort said "is this regret?" And I said "I'll never regret it, I'd do it all over again, I'm just sorry I upset people the way I did" and he said that was regret "no; that's an apology."
Back on the ward, I started watching Home Alone and fell asleep again at five then staff woke me up to say they'd started Reflection but when I went in, there was a ton of rabbits (hallucinations) on the floor. I needed to get out the room to ask for meds but there was so many they were blocking my path and I couldn't see how I could get out without standing on them. I told the girl I'm closest to and she came up with the idea of leading me out the room so I could walk behind her. She hugged me while I cried in my room and explained that I'm tired of pretending I'm ok so that they don't stop my home leave this Sunday. She reassured me I wasn't weak by being too tired to keep fighting so that the rabbits came and then she took me to the office so I could get meds while she went back in Reflection. Just knowing I'd taken something that was going to help, made me feel well enough to go back in too and one of the staff took my rabbit slippers and hid them to help too.
I'm nervous I'm going to completely fall apart on Thursday when it's ward round AND the anniversary of my friend's death but I need to keep my home leave in mind. I've decided no more pretending though; I'll be honest and just get meds as soon as I start struggling so that it doesn't get bad enough to make them stop my leave. Then everyone's happy!