Tuesday, 12 March 2013

A Useful 1:1

Well, today was all fine and normal. A Doctor had said she was going to speak to me today so when I bumped into her at lunchtime I told her I was going on my leave at 1 'til 3 so she suggested doing it then.
She wanted to go through the notebook of memories from my 'trauma' but she'd forgotten the questions she'd had to ask me.
She ended up drawing a picture of the brain and explained that there's the emotional part which filters into the visual part which then goes into the 'cortex' which is the part that rationalises things and tells you how to act. She explained that my emotional part and my visual connection has broken so that I'm stuck in the emotional. I had to draw a pie chart of the % of blame I think all the people involved have and it ended up with me having most of it so she said that was proof of this broken connection. That I couldn't rationalise that I was a 'vulnerable child' who wasn't at fault.
Then she asked where abouts I was when I remembered the 'trauma' and I told her I was floating above, watching. The Doctor said that when a person disassociates during their 'trauma' there's a higher chance they'll have hallucinations later in life. So she thinks that's how the voices and rabbits are connected to it all.
I told her she was making one of the voices angry by the things she was saying and that they were starting to tell me to stop taking my anti-psychotic but that I'd keep trying for as long as I could bare their wrath. She said they're going to get a Second Opinion Doctor in to see me but I said they couldn't do that because that's only for when I withdraw consent for treatment and I'm not. But she said that now they've seen how well the meds are working it's given them more reason to just go ahead and get the permission from the Doctor for them to force the meds if I end up refusing them because I've openly said that when the voices tell me to stop taking the meds I'll have to. So, they're going to plan ahead so that when the time comes they're already prepared.
It was such a hard chat but I had to not let it bother me so that I could go on my local leave and it ended up being a good thing because it meant that on my leave, I could use it as a 1:1 to talk to my escort about the chat. I slept when I got back to avoid thinking about it all any more and then I had a 1:1 tonight and when I've thought about what the Doctor said, I realised how much sense it makes. In a way, it's good to have an explanation for things but on the other hand, I hate it because it's like admitting how much the 'trauma' has affected me and I don't want to. I want to pretend I'm over it and that it was nothing.