Tomorrow will be a year since we lost my lovely Nana (my Mum's mum). With it being the first anniversary, I wasn't sure how I'd feel... Or even, whether I'd feel anything at all since when we lost her I was so numb, I felt like I only cried because I had to.
This morning, I cried and spoke to my Key Nurse to see if it would be possible for me to go home and be with my Mum tomorrow but they said it was too short notice. It was annoying because I couldn't predict I would feel this way; I thought that I was doing myself a favour by not going home because I thought it would be more upsetting but being away is. I told my Key Nurse I can promise my safety with my Mum but not if I have to stay here, at home I would have my Mum to be strong for whereas here... I feel I have no reason. As well, it feels horrible because when my Nana got poorly I'd just been sectioned to a acute ward after running away to Birmingham and overdosing and they said I wasn't allowed to go and visit her in ICU because I hadn't been in hospital for 24hours. When I was finally allowed out the next day, we'd already lost her. I felt like the only member of family not there. And I felt - I feel like, it's my fault I wasn't. I got myself put in hospital. All the times I'd practically begged Mental Health Act assessment teams to help keep me safe and they'd refused and sent me home, then one of the few times I tell them I'm fine and they admit me and it's the time I need to be home the most. I put myself in that situation though, and not just by going to a different city where they didn't know me because once they sent me back to my local hospital, they also agreed I needed to be in. And I know I should look at that and think, well I needed help, I was poorly too... I just can't. My behaviour - the overdosing, the self-harm, the running away... It's all so selfish and it was only a matter of time before something happened to make me realise that and regret my actions.
I told my Mum I was asking to come home tomorrow and she said she was proud of me for thinking of her. I'm just so sorry it took me so long to start putting my family, and my Mum first. They deserved it at the beginning but now I can do it, I'm going to make pretty damn sure I do a good job of it!
Nana, it was an honour to have known you,
Never mind to have you in my blood,
You were loving and generous too,
Although we initially felt lost without you,
I think we're finally beginning to find our way,
Nana, you glued us all together,
When you were took we almost fell apart,
But in your name we stay close forever,
Because of you, my family is in my heart
Rest in Peace Nana 26.03.2012
