Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my Nana's death so I knew it would be a tough day... I wasn't wrong.
In the morning, I distracted myself by offering to do the cooking in Brunch group so I cooked the bacon, sausage and egg and it was nice to keep busy but once I was done, I sat in the multi-purpose room on the OT department (where people were eating their brunch) and the voices were really loud. I asked staff to take me back down to the ward and I went and sat on my bed. The next thing I knew the rabbits (visual hallucinations) were trying to jump on me with their muddy paws. I held in my scream and ran into the shower... In my clothes. I stood there for a few minutes before I thought 'hang on! This isn't right' so I pressed my patient call and a Nurse came in and helped me stand (I was sitting under the shower) and wrapped me in a towel before my Key Nurse appeared and asked what had happened. She rubbed my hair with the towel and it was lovely; sometimes all you need is to be mothered. Some staff refuse to give hugs categorically because it's 'unprofessional' but others (and I think this is the right way to go about it) believe that in some situations, when the patient is really distressed, then a hug can do the trick... Or at least help a little bit. She reminded me they couldn't see the rabbits and when I said they'd gone, she talked me through that they weren't real and it was just an hallucination then she sent the other Nurse to get me some meds. They gave me a Lorazepam (very mild sedative) and my anti-psychotic then I had a proper shower, because I still felt dirty from the rabbits. I tried to go into my next group of Arts and Crafts but I couldn't focus so I went back to my room.
I cried from frustration at the intensity and volume of the voices and in my rage, I stotted my head off my bathroom floor (leaving a lovely graze/bruise on my forehead) and then went to bed for the rest of the day (missing lunch and my last two groups after lunchtime).
When I got up I thanked my Key Nurse for letting me sleep and she told me they know now that sometimes that's best for me and I told her that even if they'd tried to make me go to groups I'd rather risk losing my leave so I could sleep because when I'm tired I struggle even more because I don't have the energy to fight.