Thursday, 25 April 2013

I Have To Make Some Decisions...

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

This morning while I was getting ready I started making plans. I didn't mean to. My head was noisy... To the point where I couldn't tell the difference between their voices and my thoughts. They all became one. So I started planning my escape route to run off when I had my unescorted ground leave to go and overdose. I didn't want to do it. Yet I was making the plans. I was thinking about how I'd gotten away with it two times already so I might as well go the same way. I was worrying I'd get caught before I got in the taxi and it would all be a waste. And then I realised; I didn't want to do it. I felt sick with the thought of all the tablets I'd have to swallow before the voices went quiet. I felt shivery at the thought of the horrible anti-dote I'd end up having when they found me. Because they always found me. So what was the point? Were the voices  that bad? Did I really need to do it? I went and spoke to one of the staff and told her I shouldn't be allowed out today. She asked why and I explained then she told me it was 'really brave' of me. "Or stupid!" She shook her head and promised to support me if the voices started getting nasty at me for speaking to staff. Then I went to group. Just like that. At first, my smile was easy to rub off as the voices went on, and on. But then I got more determined and began to feel like a weight had been lifted at the thought that I wouldn't have to overdose today. It was such a relief. I'd never felt like this before; I mean, it wasn't often I stopped myself from overdosing but when I had done I'd always regretted it and ended up doing it the next day because my head had gotten so loud.

[note: As I'm talking a lot about the voices, I thought I should describe them to you. There are three; Albert, Annie and Harry and I know it sounds strange that they have names and I know it sounds crazy that I hear voices no one else can but it's not so mad. The explanation I have for them is that as I disassociated during my 'trauma' I am now disassociating by hearing them and having visual hallucinations. The best way to describe them is like headphones. When you listen to your music through your headphones and the sound is going in through your ears yet it somehow fills up your head. Each voice has it's own personality; Albert is the one who tells me what to do, Annie is the one who comes up with the sneaky parts of the plans and Harry is just some random, excitable child who loves the adventure of an overdose. They are inside of me but they're not part of me. Don't feel bad if you still can't  comprehend this; it took me about two years to grasp.]

I sat through one of my groups and when things got louder I reminded myself I'd be taking my anti-psychotic in an hour anyway so there was no need to ask for meds. I managed. And I'll do it again and again for as long as I can.
I'm still happy with my decision to tell staff and I need to keep reminding myself of this feeling because I can still feel plans building up for tomorrow so I might have to stay in then too. But it'll all be worth it in the end if it means I get to live my life.