Tuesday, 23 April 2013

I Won

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

So today, one of the staff asked to speak to me and I didn't really think anything of it because she's not the type of staff to have deep discussions with. Anyway, she told me she's 'concerned' that I seem to agree to activities e.g. college courses and work experience and then once they become real and solid plans, I chicken out of them. I crapped myself; just yesterday I'd had to speak to her and another member of staff because I'd agreed to work at the local supermarket four hours a week for a fortnight but I changed my mind. They didn't ask many questions at the time and I thought I'd got out of having to explain my rationale to them. In truth, you know when you make a mistake and you call yourself 'stupid'? Well, I have the voices doing that as well as my own thoughts agreeing with them when they call me names. It undermines my confidence. So, I ended up having to tell the staff all of this even though I worried what it would do; I panicked I wouldn't be allowed my leave and that it'll be raised next Ward Round. But, she had to understand; I couldn't just have her think I was letting them down for no reason. She promised me they weren't angry and suggested I do the self-esteem group that starts next week with the Assistant Psychologist they just hired. I agreed.
I asked the staff if I could use my unescorted ground leave today for the first time since I ran away a while ago. One of the nurses said he was putting his job on the line by letting me go and asked me to promise not to run off and overdose. I promised I wouldn't, to be fair, it wasn't because of his job; I just genuinely didn't have a plan. The part of me that goes along with what the voices say, was sceptical I could manage it and I was worried that things would get loud when I was out and that as hard as I might try, I would struggle to come back in. But as worried as I was, I was also determined. I've told myself that from now on, I will only do something if I want it. I won't do something just to shut up these voices because if I seriously hurt myself because of them then I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Sometimes, they are so bad they make me want to be dead but I won't do anything just because they've told me to any more. I did fine on the leave, things stayed quiet and I came back in without a fight. But then, in Reflection, everything got loud and I got so much shit for not running away and overdosing. I fought back. They told me I didn't have a backbone for not going against the staff and I told them I had more of a backbone than anyone by going against them. On the one hand, I allowed them to think themselves important whilst also denying them power over me. And... I won! I was crying one minute and holding onto one of the girls' hands and then it all went quiet and I smiled and laughed with happiness. I was so proud of myself. It upset me that I was so happy about managing the leave and I couldn't even have a moment to be pleased; they had to ruin it. But in the end, I won.

do you know that there's, still a chance for you? Cuz there's a spark in you, you just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine - Katy Perry - Firework