Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Cutting Was The Better Option

[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm]

These past few days haven't really seemed worth blogging.
On Sunday night, I was struggling really badly and I thought if I didn't get out my room then I'd end up cutting so I went and sat in the Dining Room. I was crying and my sobs were echoing around the empty, spacious room and I could hear the staff's keys as they did obs checks. It wasn't that I wanted 'attention,' I just wanted someone to notice I was struggling and ask me why because I didn't feel like I could make the first move and go to staff. But no one came. I sat at a dining table constantly scratching at this one bit on my arm until I felt a burning sensation and I looked down and saw a sort of, friction burn. So I went to bed; my head was quieter.
Then two nights ago, I was talking to one of the girls and when she went back to her room, I went into my bathroom and cut. I've always known that one of the main symptoms in BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is impulsivity but I've never really found that I have it; whenever I've overdosed it's been planned and if I've cut there's usually been a build-up and I'll tell myself 'if it's not better in a few hours, I'll cut to make it better.' One of the times I went AWOL from here, the Ward Manager said 'you had it all planned in your diary so don't tell me it was impulsive!' I pointed out that I've never claimed to do things impulsively. But this, is one of the things staff can't get their heads around; that if I know I'm going to do something like that - if I've planned it, why can't I get help or support to prevent it happening. I don't know. I guess it's like my Mum says; I go into a tunnel when things are that bad, I have tunnel vision and I can't ask  for help or see any other way to make things better.
When I cut on Monday night, I was thinking about my home leave. The voices had been telling me to cut for days by then and I'd been putting them off and telling them 'after the home leave' because they'd said in Ward Round I couldn't go home if I self-harmed again before it. But then on Monday night, I was thinking say the voices tell me to cut every day before my home leave and then after my home leave I have to cut 6 times (one for every time I didn't do it), but what if I just do it when they're telling me to and I end up only needing to do it once to shut them up? I figured it was the lesser of two evils. It was impulsive but still thought about. I try and be blasé about the overdosing and self-harm because I don't like the thought of how they've taken my life over, and I don't like the thought of how dangerous they can be but one thing I will admit to is that I don't do these things for no reason. So, I had the cut on my leg steri-stripped (stick-on stitches) and dressed but my plan hadn't exactly worked... The voices had gotten a buzz off the cut... And so had I. So I scratched at my arm; it wouldn't stop bleeding so I panicked and pressed the patient call button in my bathroom. They put a dressing on my arm just to stop the bleeding and after taking all of my PRN (two Lorazepam and one Olanzapine), I went to my room and finally fell asleep.
Since then, things have been a bit better; I feel as though I'm in a bit of a fog though and I feel a bit 'down.' Then today, I was asked to leave DBT and it reminded me so much of High School (which wasn't exactly a fantastic time for me) that I left in tears and fought all my urges to cut. I spoke to the Charge Nurse and he agreed to speak to the Therapy facilitator who'd sent me out the group because he said he could understand why I was upset; what was the point in me telling them all these things about High School if they were going to go and remind me of it.
On, a lighter note, I stood in the line at a checkout at Asda for ten minutes with crisps, chips, pizza and lots of sweets for me and one of the girls when finally... My card declined! It was so embarrassing!! For future reference: my dongle is billed on the beginning of the month ;)