Thursday, 16 May 2013

The One With All The Conditions

Today was ward round day. Everyone hates ward round day because one of two possible things happens; either you get exactly what you wanted with a catch or you get nothing you request and the whole thing is an absolute shambles and you spend the rest of the day crying and struggling. If you're wondering, my ward round today was the first option.
I requested for my obs to be increased to 15minutes (I was on 5's). That was granted. I asked for my one-off local leave that you're entitled to on fifteens to be on Saturday with my Mum. That was granted with a catch; staff have to come too and I only have two hours. And I asked for my home leave for the 30th to be written so that it can be organised in case I'm on 30's by then. That was granted. And then came the big catch. Increase of medication; the Doctor said that just because I'd been fine for self-harm since I went AWOL didn't mean I was ok; she said my moods had been fluctuating and I'd been struggling with the voices and asked my another Doctor if they should consider a mood stabiliser but he said to increase my anti-psychotic by 5mg and then if that didn't sort out my moods they'd put me on one. When I thought about it though, it's not such a catch... I mean, yes it means I will only still be on 15s and get the leave if I continue to fight the voices and take my meds but that shouldn't be so hard since it's only one extra tablet with the other two, it's not like they've spaced them all out since Aripiprazole is a stimulant so I have to have the full dose in the morning.
My RC suggested the staff get in touch with the Hearing Voices Network too (
http://www.hearing-voices.org/), saying that they have a 'fantastic' Psychologist who is 'amazing at convincing people not to do what their voices tell them.' He also gave me a lecture (he loves his lectures, he has one for me every ward round) on trying harder and fighting harder! I wasn't best pleased with this; the thing is, I only go to staff when I'm about to lose the fight with the voices and at risk of doing what they say, I get meds off staff or have a 1:1 to talk it through. This means, they assume they know every time I have to fight. They don't. There are plenty battles that I win which means I don't need their help or support so they don't find out. I tried to explain this but just ended up asking him if he'd ever heard voices and telling him since he hadn't (obviously) he had no idea how hard it was and if it were simply a case of trying harder, if it was that easy, then I'd do it in a flash and I wouldn't BLOODY be here!!!!
Something to cheer me up; best-friend bracelets off CS (by the way, the abbreviation is ironic since staff refer to us by our initials to avoid breaking confidentiality). 

 And now, since the alarms are quite obviously broke, we have to listen to the staff pratting about with their new toys (walkie-talkies) all night. Over and out!