Trending

Monday, 26 August 2019

AN IN-DEPTH LOOK INTO AN OVERDOSE | WHAT I THOUGHT, HOW I FELT, & WHAT HAPPENED

I almost couldn’t believe what I was saying when the lady in the shop asked why I’d passed out and I said that I’d gradually been overdosing on Co-Codomol since the previous day. You’d think that if anything, I’d be used to saying it and maybe even become quite ‘glib’ about it; but actually, it doesn’t get any easier – it still hurts to admit that you were so desperate to escape the hallucinations and memories of abuse that you tried to kill yourself. And it isn’t just with family and friends; I’m also ashamed and pained to tell Doctors, Nurses, and other professionals that I’ve ‘done it again’ because, I know it’s a very common thought process around mental health, but I actually wouldn’t blame someone for thinking me ‘weak’ for coping in such a way. Some people look at suicide as the ‘easy way out’ and I don’t blame them for misunderstanding something so scary and intimidating as going against all human instinct for survival and taking your own life. 

Telling the lady in the shop turned out to be a mistake because she called an Ambulance and when I refused to go to hospital with them, the Paramedics called the Police and I was told it was either put my seatbelt on in the Ambulance or put on handcuffs in the Police car; and so, of course, I fastened my seatbelt! Part of my refusal was because I wanted the overdose to work and for it to kill me, but a bigger part of it was about not wanting to upset the auditory hallucinations who were telling me not to go to the Hospital. I’d already bartered with them to hurt myself over hurting the people and things the voice was telling me to hurt; so, there could be no more compromising with it. I was no longer in control; my health, my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships… the voice owned them all. Agreeing to go to hospital, however, was much easier when it was the result of a threat from the Police and not my own volition.
SHARE:

Monday, 19 August 2019

THE ULTIMATE ADVICE POST | 50 TOP TIPS ON MENTAL HEALTH FOR SERVICE USERS, PROFESSIONALS, FRIENDS & FAMILY




Yes, you read that right; fifty! I’ve enjoyed writing posts around tips, advice, do’s and don’ts so I thought the ultimate one would be to put 50 of them in one big post!

Please don’t take this post as condescending and think that just because I’m in recovery I think it makes me an expert on mental health. I don’t, think that; I just hope that my experiences can provide others with the advice that might spare them from going through some of the same hardships. I also don’t want people to think that these tips don’t recognize the strength it takes to do some of them; anyone who knows me – and my blog – will know how important I think it is to acknowledge a person’s bravery and courage in mental health.


SHARE:

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

“I DIDN’T PRESCRIBE THEM; YOU DID!” | A DISCUSSION ABOUT PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATION



I remember being discharged from the Psychiatric Hospital after my first admission in 2009 and it felt like everyone thought I was better now, and I would never try to kill myself again. Of course, I knew that wasn’t the case; because I could feel that darkness inside of me and I knew it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. So, when I attempted suicide again and refused the medical treatment for it, I wasn’t really surprised. What did surprise me, though, was when the entire Mental Health Act assessment team came to my Mum’s house to section me!

My Mum had tried to convince me to go to A&E for the antidote to the paracetamol overdose, but I’d refused, and she’d called the Crisis Team. I just remember professionals sat around the living room asking me questions and then I went to my bedroom and the next thing I knew the Psychiatrist from my first admission was there and telling me that he was going to sign the section papers. I remember him sitting in my very pink bedroom and saying; “I think it’s time we start some medication for you at my Hospital.” I joked that it wasn’t ‘his’ Hospital and he led the way downstairs for me to watch the papers be signed and eight Police officers filed in to take me to their van to go to A&E for the medical treatment first. When we got there, there were four support workers from the local Psychiatric Hospital ready to make sure I had the treatment (a drip that takes over twenty hours to administer) and right from the offset I was medicated! I tried to run from A&E and was given a sedative injection and as soon as I’d woken up after it, I was trying to tear the drip out and was given another. I think it took about five injections for me to complete the treatment and be transferred to the Psychiatric Hospital to begin an anti-psychotic medication.

SHARE:

Thursday, 28 March 2019

FIVE PIECES OF ADVICE I’M GLAD I DIDN’T TAKE




(You can find a similar post here)

So, I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy (I’m onto Season 10) and there’s a point where these Surgeons who were once best-friends are now going into two completely different lives. In this one episode, one of them said that the other has turned into the type of person they used to admire and the other said that the other had turned into the type of person they used to laugh at. And it made me think about how much can change – how much a person can change – from the different things that happen in life. What these things can do to you. And I began to wonder about all of the things people have said to me to try and change my life – all of the things that I’m so glad I didn’t listen to!

Also, to avoid bitching, I’m not going to be disclosing who said what!




1.      “YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STAY BLONDE”



I’m naturally, like, white blonde! I always get told this story by my family about when we first went to see my Auntie living in Dubai and everyone would crowd around me because they thought blonde hair was incredible! Then, when the abuse ended, I wanted to change as many aspects as possible about me. I changed the spelling of my first name, I took my Mum’s maiden name, and I decided to dye my hair. I wanted to distance myself – as far as possible – from the abuse and the person I had been during it. And it was much easier to do this physically than it was psychologically. I think that, inevitably, others struggled to understand my motivation for change because at that point; no one knew what I’d been through. There came a point in my admission at Cygnet where I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wondered whether I was now well enough to go blonde. Turns out, red had become my ‘signature’ colour – especially in terms of being a blogger and for social media.
SHARE:

Thursday, 6 September 2018

A LENGTHY MEDICATION CHAT

I remember in 2009 lying on my bed in my Mum’s home and listening to the whispered conversations downstairs between my Mum and – what felt like – every member of NHS staff! (Realistically, it was a few people from the Crisis Team, two Social Workers, and two Psychiatrists!) When there was a knock on the bedroom door I didn’t expect to see the six foot something Psychiatrist wearing running trainers with his suit! I sat up on the bed and he came into my abnormally, barbie-pink bedroom and sat on the futon in front of me. And then he said one of the sentences that has remained a pivotal moment in my mental health journey and you know, actually… my life! He said: “maybe it’s time we start you on some medication.”

SHARE:

Saturday, 9 June 2018

24HRS WITH... ME!


24 hours with... me!
Date: Thursday June 7th 2018
Why have you chosen to write about today?
A ton of amazing things happened!

Good morning!



What time did you wake up?

10am


Why did you wake up at that time?


I had a support session with my worker from Richmond Fellowship at 11am



Did you have a dream?

Not that I remember.

SHARE:

Sunday, 25 February 2018

WHY MY SHOULDER INJURY HAS AFFECTED MY MENTAL HEALTH



I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite a while now – well, since I first injured my shoulder which was September or October 2017! But I knew that writing it, thinking about what I need to write, could upset me so I knew I either needed to be sleepy and able to write this and go straight to sleep to avoid the aftermath, or needed to be really happy so that it might not even make a dent in my mood. Turns out, tonight, I’ve got the best of both worlds…

I think I wrote about the event that I dislocated it at actually… It was with my community support providers; Richmond Fellowship and by some strange reason, I was co-chairing their entire event!

A few months before that, in the June, I broke my collarbone whilst play fighting with a family member and didn’t realise that this meant my shoulder was still quite fragile. I don’t think I even turned that much when I heard a ‘pop!’ and felt my eyes tear up as I quickly excused myself from the event and ran to the toilets – the pain was so incredible that I actually felt sick with it.

SHARE:

Saturday, 13 May 2017

POST TWO: MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2017

24 hours with... Georgina Lloyd
Detective Sergeant, South Wales Police featured on #MindOverMararthon on BBC1
Twitter: https://twitter.com/georgie_lloyd
South Wales Police: https://www.south-wales.police.uk/
South Wales Police Twitter: https://twitter.com/swpolice

Date:  Wednesday May 10th, 2017


Good morning!


What time did you wake up?
05:30

Why did you wake up at that time?
I have a puppy (Olly) who is 8 months old and he is like clockwork in the morning. He likes to jump on my head to get his breakfast.

Did you have a dream?
Not that I can recall

Do you think today will be 'good' or 'bad' day? (use your own definition of these words to answer the question)
I have struggled mentally the last few days but today I am feeling a little better. Hoping today will be good with no negative or self-destructive thoughts.

What are the first three things you do after waking up?
Let Olly outside
Feed Olly his breakfast
Take my medication (anti-depressants)

SHARE:

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Four HUGE Updates!!!

Why No Posts?
I think that for at least the last month now, I've been having difficulty in... Making things happen, I guess? It's hard to describe it because I feel like I do have the motivation; I do want to get up and do these things, I just... Don't. I guess procrastination is the right word... It's been - and still is - really frustrating because I'm having all of these ideas and inspiration and I'm just not getting them out there for you guys. I've been vlogging a lot but I know that if it weren't for I'm NOT Disordered and you awesome readers, then I wouldn't be where I am; I'm a Blogger. And so, not putting posts up for a while makes me feel like I'm doing you all a disservice and I worry that the reader numbers will dwindle. And even though the number has continued to rise without a lot of new content, and you guys probably don't feel the way I worry that you do, I still feel the same. It's one of those things where no one can convince you otherwise. And so, I'm sorry.
BIG Mental Health Changes !!!EXCLUSIVE!!!
I'm actually surprised at myself for not spilling this news sooner - it's not even on my private Facebook!!! That, is how exclusive this is!!
So, first BIG change... I no longer require antipsychotic medication! And for the first time in seven years!!! As with most medications it had to be slowly decreased but when the day finally came that I picked up my dosette box and there was NO Quetiapine in it; it was still a shock!
SECOND BIG change... I am officially discharged from the Community Mental Health Team; whose care I have been under since 2009! It's been one of my recovery goals for a very long time and so it was at my request; so we did a trial-run for six weeks to see how I would do without them. The thing is, a big reason for me wanting to be discharged, was that I didn't feel as though I was benefiting from the Team; I only had a Psychiatrist to monitor my medication, I never needed to call them for support with a current situation, and I barely knew, or saw, my CPN. And the fact that everyone has supported the discharge - and particularly my request of it - has reassured me that it was the sensible and responsible thing to do.
MS & my Mental Health
The most recent struggle has been experiencing my first fall - difficulty with mobility and balance are two of the more debilitating symptoms. I decided to vlog myself just after it, when I was crying hysterically because I was so scared and I just needed to voice those fears. After the fall, I've seen an Occupational Therapist, who has provided me with many aids to use so as to keep my independence. And it all made me cry because there'd been some things that I'd just accepted I could no longer do. However, the sheer amount of tools I've been given, and the size of some of them, has made for a lack of storage and having such equipment in my home has started to make it feel less like a home, and more like a Hospital.  I've also been allocated a Social Worker who's  organised personal alarms, key safes and carers; so that I can feel safer in my home. And the new painkiller, that's more effective in MS patients, is working so well that on good days, I can walk further, and for longer, without using my walking stick. For me, that's a very good thing, because I get so paranoid when I use my stick in public; it makes me feel as though I stand-out for using a walking aid at my age. I'm working on it though!!
Dolly Update
Dolly has completed her trial month of medication and I saw changes in her on day FIVE (It's usually not until three or four weeks!) and so she's taking another month of the same dosage and then it's likely we can start reducing them! The changes have been so so lovely! She's being so much more friendly; with less aggression towards visitors and is now bestfriends with the granddaughter of my next-door-neighbour. I've also been allowing her more freedom to go out and come home whenever she likes and it seems to really be improving her confidence.

SHARE:

Thursday, 30 June 2016

I Have A Type of MS

Yes, you read right.
This is a tricky post for me to write because for a while now I haven't wanted to, or felt ready to, publicize this.
I'd gone for the MRI scan when I began experiencing regular, bad headaches, a tingling feeling in the tip of my nose and across my right cheek, and flashes of white light out of the corner of my eye. When I saw the Neurosurgeon, he showed me the scan of my brain on his computer... I thought it'd be interesting but it actually terrified me a little bit to see all of these things on my brain!
Since then, I've developed a few more symptoms: joint pain- very bad joint pain and a shake/twitch/spasm thing in my right leg. I saw my GP today because the Pharmacist called me on Tuesday about my pain medication and it was decided that I needed to be on something a lot stronger and to take it more on a regular basis than a PRN one (when required). I've also been referred to Physio for exercises and a walking aid and when I developed the joint pain (a couple of weeks ago) I was referred back to the Neurosurgeon for another MRI to check if the type of MS is changing, and so when I told the one today about my leg twitches he said he was going to chase that up.
I got quite upset after the GP appointment at the fact I needed such strong painkillers and might end up with a walking stick but I'm trying to look at it with the mindset that the pain will be better (hopefully gone!) and I'll feel more mobile.
So, this is it.
I also just want to say that Bloggers and YouTubers constantly say that their followers think they know everything about your life but really, they see what you choose to show them. And so, bear in mind that I'm NOT Disordered is similar. I'm always honest with you guys, but I don't blog about everything that's going on in my life. I guess this is just further evidence not to judge a book by its cover, because a lot of people see a person behave or act in a particular way and make assumptions of these people. When really, they have no idea as to what is actually going on.
If you are to take anything from this then please let it be that and so, if you want to show your support, don't message me; share this post so that it reaches the most people possible.



If you'd like any more information about MS then please visit: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Multiple-sclerosis/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
SHARE:

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

The Launch of the '24hrs with...' Series

Today I'm launching a new Series of blog posts - '24hrs with...'
I try to use I'm NOT Disordered to help others. And from the feedback you guys give me, I know that I achieve that; but within a year of the blog being born, I realised that I could only do so much to continue this; I can only write about what I've experienced. And so, I began publishing guest posts, and although they all linked in with mental health, I tried to get a wide variety of people to write these; nurses, patients, carers etc. From those first few guests posts, I became fascinated by other people's experiences and the way their views on the world have been shaped. I enjoy having a tiny piece of insight into the life of someone that I can learn from. And so the '24hrs with...' series was born! It is exactly what it says; through this series, you can see into a day in the life of someone else. Each participant was given the same set of questions so it will be easier to see the differences...

I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has participated in this series.

Here are my answers:

24 hours with... Aimee Wilson 
Date: 12th April 
Why have you chosen to write about today?
Because something very special is planned! 




Good morning!

What time did you wake up?
10am
Why did you wake up at that time?
My alarm went off at 9am but I was too tired to get up so I fell back asleep for an hour!
Did you have a dream? 
Nope.

Do you think today will be 'good' or 'bad' day? (use your own definition of these words to answer the question)
Good! Very good! 

What are the first three things you do after waking up?
1. I said "shit" because I'd slept in
2. I picked up Dolly and had a hug
3. And then opened all of the blinds
Do you eat breakfast? If yes, what did you have?
Sort of, I had a banana.

What would be your perfect breakfast?
Urm... Salmon and scrambled eggs! 

Is there anything that you have to do today but don't particularly want to?
Wash the dishes; I've let them build up to quite a height.

List five things that you do between 9am and noon.
1. Take my medication and make a brew
2. Do my makeup 
3. Get picked up by Sophie (one of my best friends) 
4. Witness Sophie's road rage! 
5. Sing in the car with Sophie

Did you eat lunch? If yes, what did you eat?
Pizza at ZiZi's

What would be your perfect lunch?
I quite fancied a McDonalds lol! 

List five things that you have done, said, thought, or that have happened between noon and 5pm.
1. Cried when I saw Sophie in her wedding dress!
2. Sat on the floor with Soph while she had a meltdown in the hair and beauty store.
3. 'This headache is just not getting better!'
4. "I love that you felt the need to put your window down so that you could gesture at that driver!"
5. I tidied up the house before I had a nap

Do you eat dinner/tea? If yes, at what time?
Nope

What do you eat?
N/A

What would be your perfect dinner?
Chinese 

What do you do with your evening (5-8pm)?
I had a nap until around 8, then I finally washed the dishes, and put a movie on while I did some work

Do you have a 'get-ready-for-bed' routine? If so, what is it?
Sort of but it varies with each day... It's usually, taking off my makeup, having supper, taking my meds, brush my teeth, and then read in bed until I fall asleep.

What time do you go to sleep?

Is this when you want to go to bed? Or is it influenced by what you're doing the following day?
Usually influenced but if I get naturally tired then I do go to bed.

Do you share your bed?
No

Which position do you tend to sleep in? e.g. foetus, starfish etc.
I usually fall asleep on my side (any side), with my legs doing the starfish, and a hand over my eyes! But when my duvet and things are all over the place in the morning... I guess I move around a lot through the night!

Reflect
What was your favourite part of your day?
Seeing Sophie in her wedding dress.

What was your least favourite?
Having a headache all day 

Did anything happen today that you'd like to change or re-do?
Nope!

Did you 'learn' anything today? (use your own definition of this word to answer the question)
Just when you think that you couldn't love someone more than you do, it happens. Seeing Sophie in her wedding dress was something that me glad to be alive and to be in recovery.

What do you have planned for tomorrow?
A session with my support worker to do my food shopping, collect my meds, and get a McDonalds. 

Goodnight!
SHARE:

Friday, 15 January 2016

10 Things You Should Know About... Being an outpatient

Note: this post is regarding psychiatric community services and not medical outpatient services.

                       
   1. If you become an outpatient after being in hospital for a long period of time, then it could be a bit of a shock to the system, and that's normal and ok. For me, when I first became poorly and was admitted to psychiatric wards a number of times, it was for very short periods of time. This meant that I felt that I hadn't been in long enough to become used to the environment. Then I was admitted to a long term ward where the average length of admission was 12-18months; I was an inpatient for two and a half years. I definitely didn't miss the ward when I was discharged. It was just that there was a lot of adjustments to make in order for me to cope with the dramatic changes that I experienced. The main ones were that there wasn't someone to talk to 24/7; I couldn't just pop down to the staff office or knock on the door of another patient's bedroom door. If I needed to talk to a professional then I'd have to ring my community team and (usually) wait until someone was free to return my call. Constantly being surrounded by people also meant lots of noise. When I first moved into my own home I'd often leave the TV or music on because it would feel too quiet. The biggest change, though, was that I was now 100% responsible for my safety. In hospital, there was ALWAYS a chance that someone would either stop you from self-harming or if they hadn't then they'd at least ensure you got appropriate treatment for it. At first, I found it quite upsetting to acknowledge that I could hurt myself or even attempt suicide and no one would know. It meant that I'd either have to try incredibly hard to resist the urge to self harm, or somehow get help if I were to do something. As hard as it's been to make these changes, I've never had a moment where I've wished I was in hospital.
2. It might take a while to find the right professionals for you. Each individual has different needs and a different level of care and so, some may have many professionals and others might just see a therapist. Typically though, an outpatient will have a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist or therapist of some sort, and a Social Worker.  Personally, I haven't had the easiest of experiences with staff. I've gotten used to some staff and then they've left, I had an argument with my original Psychiatrist and refused to see her again, and I've been introduced to support workers that I've immediately not taken to. It is a double edged sword though, as you can either decide not to work with someone in the hope that you'll be allocated someone you'd prefer to work with but risking that you might be put on a waiting list or allocated someone you dislike more. Or, you can stay silent and try to improve the professional relationship but with the risk that it may get worse and have an impact on your mental health. It's a personal decision that's unique to each situation. Just know that you will eventually be happy with the people involved in your care; no matter how long you feel it takes. And if you're not, please don't be afraid to speak up. At the end of the day, there's no point in providing you with a service if it's not helpful; you need to be able yo take advantage of the services offered to you, in order to benefit from them.
3. Not all of the professionals on your team will communicate. And that'll be difficult to deal with and accept at first. Sometimes, the lack of communication is between themselves and other times it's even with you. I think that it's personal experience that will determine which situation bothers you the most. But thinking back on communication problems that I've experienced, I'm not sure that I could say which way bothers me the most. It's definitely frustrating when it's between the professionals; as an outpatient, you'll want consistency in your care. And it can be difficult for professionals to pass information on to one another if each of them are based at different offices and are likely to have completely different schedules. But as the outpatient, I think that when you're actually in the situation, it's difficult to just remind yourself of these factors because you feel let-down and annoyed. Sometimes the communication error might be that you've talked to one professional in detail about something important and personal for you, and if they don't tell the rest of your team then you might be asked to repeat it. You might also find that you'll make a plan or an agreement with one person and  they don't tell others then the inconsistency might result in you feeling let-down and unsupported. If such lack of communication is being detrimental to your mental health then rather than just trying to cope with those feelings, your time will be better spent on; firstly, telling the professionals how their behaviour is affecting you in the hope that the knowledge might aid them in altering their behaviour. And if they refuse to accept what they're doing or fail to change it,  you could try thinking whether there is anything that you could do to prevent it. And it's completely ok to be angry at the thought of that. To think"why should I have to do anything when it is them who aren't doing their job properly?" At the end of the day, it comes down to this: which is the worst scenario? Accepting their failings at communication? Or, putting in some effort to try and stop it from happening? Personally, some of my professionals listened when I told them what affect their failings were having on me, and for those who didn't make changes, I now pass information on myself! If I tell my CPN something that I want others to know, then I'll call them and tell them myself. Bit of effort but it's much better than all of the upsetting inconsistencies.
4. Always ensure that you have the contact details of a support service available to you out of hours. The kind of support you'd need out of office hours will depend upon which support service will work best for you. Often your community mental health team will give you a number for your local CRHT (Crisis Resolution Home Treatment team), often referred to as the crisis team, as this the automatic response. But, if you didn't want to call them or if you had and had bad experiences of working with them, then it's worth asking your professional team if they have any suggestions but personally, I think you'd be better off finding a support service yourself. There's so many helplines available these days and I've heard lots of people have very good experiences with them, but it'll be different for each person. I called a helpline once and it was horrible so I've never used them since. It is worth mentioning that if you aren't happy with one helpline then you could try another. Don't do what I did and assume they'll all be bad if one was. Your diagnosis could also affect which out of hour services would help you the most. For example, I work with Richmond Fellowship who specialise is Personality Disorders. I see two workers for sessions during the week and I have access to the service out of office hours. So it might be an idea to look into whether there's any support services who specialise in specific disorders that would be relevant for you.
5. If you think you need to be given extra support in addition to any therapy or appointments you have, don't be afraid to ask for it. It isn't something you should hide. Being an outpatient typically means that you are well enough to be supported in the community, and with that, is the hope that you're well enough to recognise when you're mental health is deteriorating and ask for help. All mental health professionals would rather that service users were in the community, and so providing you with additional support would help avoid the situation escalating and you needing to be admitted to hospital. If you are reluctant to ask for more help, then a motivation could be the thought that if
 you don't, you might end up in hospital. And professionals won't judge you; if anything, they'll probably thank you for being honest. Personally, I've found that just sitting down and talking about it, professionals appreciate it more. As if saying things are hard is better than doing something to show you're struggling. I would say that obviously talking is the best way to go about but if you really can't then I kind of feel like, what you do isn't as important as the fact you're doing it to get help.
6. It is not a sign of failure if you feel that you might benefit from an admission to hospital. I think
that admitting this to a professional is perhaps more difficult when you have been in hospital previously. If you've had a positive experience when you've been an inpatient in the past, then this will probably encourage you to voice your concerns. But it is important that you don't rely on a hospitalisation to maintain your safety. At some point, you have to take responsibility in keeping yourself safe. However, I have personally had many bad experiences during hospital admissions; varying from feeling judged and unsupported by staff, generally feeling ill-treat, experiencing lots of restraints and sedations, witnessing other inpatients self-harming, and feeling homesick. These have affected me in that I'm extremely reluctant to go into hospital and wary of voicing things that might cause others to worry and consider admitting me. Hence why most of my psychiatric hospital admissions have been compulsory, in that I have been sectioned and taken there against my will. However, the stage that I'm in with my recovery journey, does mean that I can recognise when my mental health is deteriorating, which will mean that I can ask professionals for help before I'm at the stage where an admission is required. I hope that, ultimately, no one wants to be in hospital so  it's important to determine your early warning signs, which you can do with your community team.
Note: there is a previous post in this series that is focused on being an inpatient and making the most of your admission: http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/10-things-you-should-know-about-being.html
7. If you're on medication (whether it be medical or psychiatric), you must continue taking it unless instructed otherwise. Admittedly, I found this hard when I first came out of hospital because on , the only staff would call for you when your medication was due. In the community, as an outpatient, I have to remember when to take my pills; although it was made easier when the pharmacy began making up a dosette box. This where you have each day of the week and then four compartments for specific times during those days. Sometimes it's all about getting into the habit of taking them when they're due, and if you don't already have one, then you should ask for a dosette box to make it easier for you. I also have PRN medication, which means pills to take/use when needed e.g. I have a mild sedative incase I feel agitated and restless, or even just if I feel that sleeping is the only way to maintain my safety. And I really enjoy being in control of my medication; firstly, because it means I can fit it into my day as in hospital you had to take your meds at a particular time meaning that you couldn't have a lie-in! Secondly, I enjoy that I no longer have to practically beg for PRN medication;
in hospital, you had to explain every little thing to be given the pills,  and even then, you wouldsometimes be refused if the staff felt that you could manage without it or that you needed to try out it other coping strategies before resorting to medication. Even in the community
PRN is the last resort for me. Finally, do not abuse your medication now that you're in control of it, because your team will most likely make changes to avoid this being repeated. I once took too much of my anti-psychotic medication (on purpose) and ended up having to go to my local pharmacy twice a day to take my medication under supervision.
8. Try your hardest to attend all of your outpatient appointments. It's a good idea to have your diary etc with you when you do go to an appointment so that you can ensure that the next appointment date will fit into your schedule. Don't be afraid to ask for specific dates and times, there's no point in them giving you an appointment slot that doesn't suit you. If you see a number of professionals then it might be wise to avoid having all of the appointments lumped together. Some people will prefer this,
thinking that they want to get them all out of the way. Although, I found it difficult and overwhelming to sit through an intense therapy session with a Psychologist and then have to see a Psychiatrist the next day to have to make difficult decisions about your medication or care in general.
9. Enjoy your freedom! Whether you've been in hospital or not, whether you've been sectioned or not. You know how much could be taken away from you if you needed to be hospitalised. I'm not suggesting that you stress over the worry of this, just that you live like it could happen tomorrow.
10. I know that a lot of people might see this as being pessimistic, but I'd advise other outpatients to ensure that they complete an advanced directive. This is a kind of care plan in the event that you become too poorly to recognise what is good for you, and so you write it with your team and sign it when you're doing well and have the capacity to think ahead. It's especially focused on maintaining your safety should you become unable to maintain it yourself or should you stop co-operating with your treatment etc. Personally, a  part of my advanced directive, advises A&E staff that should I attend after attempting suicide and am refusing treatment that will save my life, then they shouldn't waste time on having me assessed by various professionals, and should just assume that I don't have capacity and to treat me against my will. I would go so far as to say that my advanced directive has saved my life.
SHARE:

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

10 Things You Should Know About... Mental Health Recovery

         
       
1. If you have been self-harming or engaging in dangerous or unsafe behaviour the recovery doesn't necessarily mean you'll be 100% safe. Right now, I don't want to self-harm and I'd like to think that I never will again but sometimes you can't guarantee your safety because you don't know what might happen in the future.
2. It's often not at all what you imagined or how professionals might have led you to believe it would be. Stereotypical recovery is usually thought of as being safe, medication at the right dose etc, better coping strategies, the ability to work or study, less or no hallucinations, a stable mood and all round healthy lifestyle, but these may not apply to everyone and there could be aspects that don't have to change for you to be in recovery. Your idea of recovery is also often affected by professionals and the particular changes in your mental health that they encourage and highlight or the way in which they recognise your improvements.
3. Mental Health recovery is a unique and individual process as not everyone has the same diagnosis, not everyone is physically unsafe, each person is at a different point in their journey before embarking on recovery, there's different causes for each person's mental ill health, there are different ways in which an individual can be deemed to be in recovery, and individuals may have different experiences throughout their recovery such as a trauma or change in medication etc
4. Recovery doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be taking no medication. This may be the case for some, for others it might be that your medication is gradually being reduced, or that you're now on a medication and dose that works best for you.
5. It's bloody hard work! No matter how many changes you need to make, and the speed in which you make them. The way I looked at it was that I put so much time and effort into self-destruction, it was understandable that it'll take the same, or twice as much effort, and time to rectify all of that. I kept reminding myself that it'd all be worth it. And since my recovery initially meant being sectioned to a hospital miles from home, I had to realise that each day, each month, even each year (I was hospitalised for two and a half years) was worth it in the long run, to have my life back.
6. If you're thought to be 'in recovery' that doesn't always mean that you no longer have a mental health diagnosis. For some disorders, if you're no longer experiencing just one of diagnostic criteria then your diagnosis will no longer apply. However I do know that with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, you have to have been symptom free for five years before the diagnosis can no longer be applied. And that's frustrating; that you could be completely different to the person you were when you were diagnosed, yet the label is still sticking.
7. No matter what your diagnosis, your symptoms, the severity of your disorder, the causes of your mental ill health, the treatment required and the support system you have, everyone has the chance at recovery. At one point, during the years before hospital, almost all professionals; namely A&E staff, our local Crisis Team and the Police seemed to have given up on me. I would often admit that I could 100% guarantee that I would hurt myself again. I could admit it because I knew that they wouldn't care. Wouldn't stop me. They had accepted a long time ago that nothing was working. Nothing could make me better. Ironically I had hope until the professionals didn't. And I'd like to think that someone who the professionals had given up on, still making it into recovery, is a massive example of recovery being possible for anyone. Have hope.
8. Having someone talk to you who is perhaps 'ahead of you' in the recovery process, could feel completely and utterly demeaning, or it could give you hope and provide inspiration for your own recovery. Ultimately, it is your mindset that determines which way you'll react. If you're angry at the world then your reaction may be that you believe this person doesn't have a clue about how bad you feel and how determined you may be to self-destruct. If you're eager to get better then you'll thank the person. Either way, when you're in recovery (because you will be, no matter how long it takes) you'll be telling others to have hope and will be so incredibly frustrated to learn that people do shrug you off. Believe me.
9. Don't belittle your own recovery when you hear how well others are doing. Being an inpatient often meant some patients being admitted after you and still getting discharged before you. Eventually, I realised that recovery doesn't necessarily mean you have to be discharged from hospital. As I said before everyone's journey through recovery is unique and so it takes different things to illustrate your recovery. So don't compare yourself to others. So long as you feel that you're moving forward - even if it's just baby steps, you're recovering. It's not a race.
10. Mental health recovery is worth the effort.
SHARE:

Monday, 11 January 2016

10 Things You Should Know About... Psychosis

                                     
     
1. Psychosis is not a condition in itself, but it is induced by other Disorders, e.g. Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar and sometimes, depression
2. 1 in 5 of those experiencing psychosis will attempt suicide. Whilst one in twenty-five will succeed in killing themselves.
3. A sufferer's lack of insight into their symptoms and experiences often means that help and support is only sought when family and friends etc. notice that something is wrong. It is important to have early intervention
4. The severity of a person's psychosis will decide the appropriate treatment, help support. This can vary from anti-psychotic medication, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and admission to a psychiatric hospital; both voluntarily and involuntary.
5. When a person presents with psychotic symptoms, the first step is often to determine whether it has a short-term cause, such as substance abuse.
6. Traumatic experiences, brain tumours and Parkinson's disease, can often trigger psychosis.
7. 3 in 100 people will experience an episode of psychosis in their lifetime.
8. One of the main symptoms of psychosis is to experience hallucinations. Hallucinations can vary from auditory, visual, and tactile; with the most common experience being auditory hallucinations in the form of hearing voices.
9. The second main symptom of psychosis is experiencing delusions; this is when a person believes something that rational people would easily deem to be obviously untrue.
10. Often as a result of their hallucinations and delusions, those with psychosis can experience a difficulty in social interaction, an impairment in carrying out daily tasks and exhibiting blizzare and unusual behaviour.


SHARE:

Thursday, 31 December 2015

2016

                                
  • There will be scheduled content every three to four days, which will be adapted should anything that was not planned for arises 
  • Exciting collabs with previous and new people and organisations and variations to the usual methods of I'm NOT Disordered's collaborations (if you'd like to work with I'm NOT Disordered in 2016 please email aimeewilson@live.co.uk or tweet @aimes_wilson )
  • I'm NOT Disordered's 3rd Birthday 
  • The possibility of a new layout and design
  • The first planned Series for 2016 will be '10 Things You Should Know About...'
  • A new, Seasonal Bucket List posted on the first day of the beginning of each season 
  • More publicity/media work
  • Lots more fun and exciting events
  • Facilitating blogging workshops at two local colleges
  • Ideally, I'd love for my views to be near 200k but based on my usual statistics, that might be a little unreasonable. But yeah, that'd be my dream. 


                                                       




SHARE:

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Pros & Cons of Being An Outpatient

Pros
Number One
Less pressure to be doing something constantly, which means I can have a day in bed without it worrying people.
Number Two
Not having to queue for my medication or having to take my night-time meds before eleven pm when I want to stay up late.
Number Three
Not having to spend my time doing something that I don’t want to do or that I will not benefit from e.g. some of the groups in hospital such as ‘Current Affairs.’
Number Four
Not needing permission to do the simplest of things; such as go outside, use a razor and see my Mum.
Number Five
Not having to open my post in front of someone, who then decides whether I can keep everything.
Number Six
Dolly!
Number Seven
No longer waiting for someone to look in on me so that hearing a noise in my home doesn’t mean it’s staff making sure I’m ok.
Number Eight
Fewer arguments in my day-to-day living. Less drama.
Number Nine
Not having to explain myself or beg for PRN medication when I’m especially struggling.
Number Ten
Being able to see my Mum and friends much easier than when I was almost 200 miles away from them.


Cons
Number One
That I can lay on the bathroom floor crying for over an hour and no one will know.
Number Two
That if I don’t take my medication, there’ll only be a fuss about it if I tell someone or if it affects me.
Number Three
I can self-harm and/or overdose and no one could know.
Number Four
I can silently struggle with hallucinations and there not be anyone who notices and suggests medication or a chat.
Number Five
That my best-friend isn’t two doors away.
Number Six
That I have to rely on my kitten to make me laugh instead of actual people; no playing pranks on staff or mattress surfing down the corridor!
Number Seven
There are no materialistic consequences if I self-harm or overdose e.g. I don’t get put in an empty bedroom, or stopped from going out.
Number Eight
Not being able to talk to and get support from the best Doctor EVER! Which means having no professional that I can be 100% Aimee with or who understands me almost as well as I know myself.
Number Nine
Feeling surrounded by professionals who ‘know’ me even less than the hospital staff did.
Number Ten
Only I can stop myself. And sometimes, I don’t.
SHARE:

Friday, 14 August 2015

10 Popular Misconceptions in Mental Health



ONE. A person who cuts so badly they need stitches is struggling more than the person who only needs some steri-strips.
Everyone self-harms in different ways and those who have little to no experience or knowledge of cutting as a means of self-harm, may not realise or know that there are different ways to do it. For example, I would just swipe across meaning the cuts were only significant if the object was sharp, otherwise they appeared to be scratches. Others, may gauge and almost dig, causing more significant trauma. Therefore, depending upon the means of cutting and the intention behind it and motivation for it, treatment options will vary and this does not mean one person is struggling more than another or is more unwell. 

TWOThe higher your dose of medication, the more poorly you are.
There are many types of psychiatric medication which have varying purposes e.g. anti-depressants, sedatives, anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers etc and there are also different medications within these categories in the same way that there are different painkillers e.g. paracetamol, Tramadol, morphine. And they work in different ways. If someone had broken their leg they may need 2mg of morphine but if someone has appendicitis they may need Tramadol and anti-sickness medications. Neither is more poorly than the other as they have completely different ailments. And it is the same in mental health. Someone with clinical depression may need a high dose of an anti-depressant but someone who has mood swings (for example in BPD) where depression is an 'episodic event' then a smaller dose may be sufficient. 

THREEVoluntary inpatients are more well than those who are detained under the Mental Health Act.
Often a voluntary patient has agreed to go into hospital or to accept treatment, because they are threatened and told that if they do not go in voluntarily they will be sectioned and detained under the Mental Health Act 1983 and taken to hospital by force and kept there against their will. Those who may have previous experience in services and as an inpatient might believe that you are more easily and quickly discharged when it is recorded that you have gone into hospital voluntarily. Others may have experienced that being a voluntary patient should mean that you have more rights but this doesn't necessarily happen

FOURThe more admissions you've had, the more you know about the system and services.
All mental health professionals have different opinions and views on situations and mental health Disorders and the subsequent ways in which people cope with their symptoms. For example, some Psychiatrists may prefer to air on the side of caution if confronted with a service user who was self-harming. They may go to drastic lengths to attempt to ensure this person's safety, for example, by detaining them under the Mental Health Act or sedating them. Another consultant, when faced with the same situation, may decide to allow the individual the opportunity to maintain their own safety and 'take responsibility for their actions.' Therefore, no matter how much contact with services you have, you can not predict decisions and attitudes etc.

FIVEYou are discharged from hospital when you are ready, and when you are well.
Many inpatients are so desperate to be discharged from hospital that they will fake recovery, pretend that they are better, stop self-harming, start eating... Whatever it is that has brought them into hospital. Some want to be discharged because they absolutely hate inpatient care, which could, again, be for many reasons... The ward that I was on promoted structure and so you had to be up at a certain time and attend groups throughout the day. For those who weren't used to this or willing to co-operate, their solution was to fake recovery in order to leave such an environment. In all honesty, professionals know that patients 'play the game' and although they can't always tell when this is what is happening, it does make them more suspicious of those of us who are actually improving! Also, even if you do improve in hospital, you may not necessarily be 'well' when you are discharged; you just need to be better. 

SIXBeing an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, guarantees your safety.
Determination is a powerful thing, especially where self-harm and suicide is concerned. If someone is suicidal or intent upon hurting themselves then they'll go to any lengths to make this happen. Some inpatient units have 'seclusion rooms' and most are literally a room with a window in the door and a mattress inside. And you can still hurt yourself. Speaking from experience, I've been restrained into a seclusion room to stop me from self-harming and have then had to be sedated because I continued to. Also, someone may purely cut as a form of self-harm but once hospitalised without their usual sharps, turn to another - and possibly more dangerous, form of self-harm. Finally, some thought must be given to the fact that patients can find ways to sneak sharps or tablets into hospital, if unable to source them on the ward.

SEVENThose patients and service users who hallucinate are more poorly than those who don't.
Having hallucinations could be an indicator of a very serious mental health disorder but, this is not always the case. Sometimes hallucinations can be stress related as they usually are with Borderline Personality Disorder. Ultimately, experiencing the hallucinations is enough to warrant treatment despite it's possible cause; mine were stress-related my an anti-psychotic medication helped me to get control over them whilst I engaged in therapy. As with all mental health diagnosis; different people will experience different symptoms to a different extent and degree. Two people who have depression will be completely different. One may be unable to find motivation to do anything. The other might turn to self-harm and even attempt suicide.

EIGHTInitiating help when you self-harm or attempt suicide, means you did it for attention.
People will overdose and self-harm for many different reasons. From my own experience, I would often take such drastic action in response to commands from my auditory hallucinations. This meant that after doing what they wanted, they were go quiet again and I was able to enlist help. I would often overdose to make the voices happy, they'd silence and I'd go to A&E because I don't want to die and then the voices would begin and I'd have to refuse treatment or run away. That confused people; I'd seek help and then refuse it. Also, the majority of moods and feelings are transient, and so self-harming or attempting suicide whilst feeling depressed, low, anxious, triggered etc could mean that once your mood improves, you want help for what you have done to stop it from killing you. It has nothing to do with attention.

NINEService Users motivate one another to recover and are good support systems for one another.
I would love to say that this is 100% true. Because it should be. But realistically, and from experience, this isn't always the case. If you make a friend as an inpatient then you're incredibly lucky.If you meet a person in Hospital who encourages you to recover and to co-operate with the staff, then you're onto a winner! The problem is, everyone is at different stages of recovery and has different experiences of services. In terms of recovery, someone may have just been admitted and are hell-bent on self-harming and angry at professionals who try to stop them. They may be others on the ward who no longer self-harm and find therapy and staff support incredibly helpful with this. Therefore, when you get two inpatients who are at the same (low) stage of recovery together, their methods to self-harm etc will be shared. Personally, I witnessed girls on the ward I was on, teaching one another how to self-harm by inserting hair grips under the skin. It became some sort of twisted trend and so many of the girls were doing it and needing operations to extract the grips. Once I learnt which inpatients were 'bad' for me/unhelpful with my recovery, I spent little to no time with them.Once my best-friend; Chelsea left, I mainly kept to myself in my bedroom other than at groups etc and Rebecca was really the only one I spent time with. I wanted to get better and some of the girls on that ward weren't so passionate about leaving the hospital.

TEN. (by RebeccaThose with Anorexia are in recovery once they are at a healthy weight.
Anorexia is the most vicious killer I can think of, and the fatalities and complications can come at any point, even after physical recvery (I've maintained a healthy weight for about 4 months, and still ended up in hospital 6 times in the time from complications) or mental recovery (some days I don't hate myself. It doesn't stop my bones from aching). It doesn't discriminate. At the same time, mental recovery is even more complicated than physical and, horrible as it is, a healthy body does not mean a healthy mind. I hallucinate what's sort of the voice of my Anorexia most of the time, I'm engaging in unhealthy behaviours again and, if I'm honest, I feel constantly close to relapsing. That doesn't mean I will, but it also doesn't mean that magically hitting the healthy BMI category has cured me. Health is relative, especially mental. One man's poison and all that. I'll tell you something though, that doesn't mean recovery isn't possible. I'm living it, despite it all, but it's a journey and not a destination. Gaining weight, if necessary, is responding to a symptom and not the cause. It's like having piercing headaches constantly and expecting that paracetamol will cure it rather than mask it. Accepting a healthy weight is the first step, necessary to start, but not the whole journey.


SHARE:

Friday, 17 July 2015

My Daily Routine: Now Vs Then

[Note: of course this is not my routine every single day (neither for the 'then' nor the 'now' but it is the average for most days]

THEN
Barely sleep from excitement, listen to Mum leave the house for work, begin taking the tablets I have stored in my bedroom. Take a shower and pack a bag then head for the bus stop where I’d get the 309 bus (the timetable memorised in my head). Sit at the back of the bus where I couldn't be seen; swallow more pills. Get to Newcastle city centre and go to a newsagents; buy cheap magazines, a big bottle of water and some ready salted crisps. Go to a Boots store and buy an over-the-counter anti-sickness tablet and a packet of co-Codomol. Go to the train station for the train I’d planned online the night before to go to the place I’d Googled the night before. On the train, sit by myself and take tablets two at a time so as not to raise suspicion, take anti-sickness tablet. Get off the train at my destination and follow the signs to leave the station and find a toilet to take the last 16 tablets. Sit on the floor of the cubicle, take my coat off because I'm all hot, open my crisps and eat a couple before popping all 16 pills out of the packet and swallowing them with the water. As I leave the toilets, I feel hot, sick and have adrenalin so powerful that I pass out. When I wake up, I'm being told not to move and that an ambulance is coming. Either the general public, staff of wherever I am or the police are usually the ones looking after me. The ambulance will come and I’ll tell the paramedics how I've taken a staggered overdose of Paracetamol and they’ll say I have to go to A&E. I’ll tell them that I can’t; that the voices won’t let me and if the police aren't already there then the paramedics call them and I'm put in the ambulance and taken to A&E. I have blood tests and Doctors struggle to find a vein to give me the anti-dote treatment that has to through a vein, but they get there in the end... Usually through doing a central line in my neck. And I start the treatment and the vomiting starts, and the police make excuses to leave my cubicle why the nurses give me anti-sickness meds and vomit bowls. After an hour of treatment, I’m taken to a ward and ask that the curtain can be permanently pulled around my bed area so the other patients don’t see that I have police with me. If they’re nice officers then we might talk and have a bit of banter or I’ll read my magazines before going to sleep – if there’s a gap in my vomiting. And then I'm assessed under the Mental Health Act and have to explain to strangers why this happens.

NOW

I’ll have a bit of lie-in until 10am, I wash the dishes, feed my kitten (Dolly) and clean out her litter tray, make a brew and take my meds. Then I get washed, get dressed, do my make-up and walk to my therapy appointment. We talk for about an hour and sometimes I cry. If I don’t cry then I’ll meet my Mum and I’ll do some shopping then we both go to mine and Mum plays with Dolly. I feel like I’ve given her a grandchild. Mum leaves and my community support comes and takes me to do my food shop and pick my medications from the pharmacy. She helps me unpack my shopping and leaves. I make tea and eat then have a shower and watch Grey’s Anatomy in my bed with Dolly whilst blogging/vlogging or doing Sudoku. I take my meds and then I read and go to sleep.


Note: To see what I've been up to recently, go see my vlogs on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxkWBmMgubKY3zfqH_VkZJg
SHARE:
© I'm NOT Disordered
Blog Design by pipdig