How far can someone be pushed before you lose their trust? And should they tell you when you have?
These are the questions a recent discussion with a Nursing Assistant has raised in my mind. The conversation started out fine with her asking where I'd been all day as we hadn't seen one another and then I asked a question. She used to call me Doctor Wilson and whenever I've self-harmed or went AWOL she'll just call me Aimee until I've 'earned' my Doctor title back! So I asked if I'd lost the title from my recent escapade (see last blog). She asked if what she'd heard was true and I learned she'd gotten the impression from what she'd been told that I'd hit the taxi driver! I corrected this and told her if I had it was in the struggle as he held onto me. And then she said she knew my Key Nurse (who's on today) wouldn't sign me out but even if she did she (the NA) wouldn't be taking me out ever again. I asked her why and pointed out that she'd always said she'd not take me out if I ran from her again. "I didn't do anything to you" I told her since she wasn't even on shift Thursday! She then said "you make us feel bad for not giving you the leave and then you run off on it."
This, made me think as she was called away to help in a restraint. I tried to think when I'd made staff feel guilty for not giving me leave, I knew I'd done it in the past when saying to a Psychiatrist "I've earned leave, I work bloody hard!" And yes, I got it. And yes, I ran away on it. What's wrong with me?! (Other than BPD!!) They say a 'myth' of BPD sufferers is that they're manipulative, is it more then a myth? The thing is, everyone has the capability to do what they have to to get what they want. Everyone can twist the truth and lie their way into their goal. It just so happens that we- I, do it differently. I lie through my teeth when I want to overdose or runaway. I told my Key Nurse in a 1:1 on Friday that I've never lied in the space between overdoses; when I've said the voices are quiet then I meant it; I wasn't saying it so that I'd get the leave and opportunity to overdose. But on the day I needed to go AWOL, I lied when I said "I'm fine." I had to. This all makes me wonder and think, do the staff really have such little idea? Do they think I'm a bad person who is manipulative? Do they think I enjoy lying? The difference is, it's not necessarily my needs that I'm trying to meet; I do what the voices tell me. This is what makes all the difference; a manipulative person would perhaps use the guilt card to get some chocolate off a friend who didn't want to share. I, tell people I'm fine so that I can listen to the voices and hurt myself. I hate doing it because I don't want to but I feel I haven't a choice when they're that loud. I've apologised to my Mum numerous times for lying to her so I could leave the house and overdose. The thing is, I think I sometimes forget the staff are people too; people with feelings. And what we do and say to them here, doesn't always stay here, at work. We can hurt their feelings and upset them as well as they can us.
So, can you push a person far enough to lose their trust? Yes.
Should that person tell you? Undecided.
