Friday, 31 May 2013

The Deep Conversation

The girl I'm closest to and I just had a lovely little chat about the changes she's noticed in herself in recent months and how to make changes whilst in Hospital.
I explained how I've learnt, since being here that no matter how much advice they pile onto you, no matter how many times they punish you for your self-harm behaviours, or how many DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) sessions you have you won't change unless you want to, let them, and try to make them happen. I now know that I'm not even putting any pressure on Psychology. I mean, first they say DBT will help and then they tell me Psychology is the only thing that will make a difference. That's not to say I haven't made improvements... I think the biggest one I've noticed is that I now think of other people; I consider their thoughts and feelings and the affect my actions might have on them. I've learnt that staff are humans too and that although they've 'seen it all before' seeing a self-harm cut or sitting with you after an overdose, will always affect them in one way or another. I've learnt that the girls here, are my housemates; we live together and we need to get along as best we can in order for the ward to be pleasant for everyone. They're there for me unconditionally yet I know if I over-step the mark they'll be upfront and honest too, they are my second biggest support. After my Mum, that is. I've learnt that my Mum didn't ask for any of this either and even though it's not happening to her, she's had to ome along for the ride. And she hasn't budged, she didn't leave me to go through this alone, and she could have so easily... It wasn't even an option for her though and now, I appreciate this. I appreciate everything she's ever done for me and I no longer have anger at her for not stopping my 'trauma.' She knew nothing about it and that will be one of my biggest regrets; that I didn't tell her but I know I have to learn to live with that and stop fighting it.
Which is another thing I've learnt; I won't ever stop feeling these feelings but I shouldn't. I don't ever want to stop being angry with what happened to me because I shouldn't. I don't ever want to stop feeling let-down for it because I was so I shouldn't. But I will learn to live with it all. And I'll stop reacting the way I did to those feelings. I'll reduce the thoughts I have to self-harm. And I'll survive.