Monday, 20 May 2013

And Then I Told The Whole Story

Well, last night I had a dream about my 'trauma' and then all morning, while I was getting ready and things I was having all these memories about the 'trauma.' It was making me angry and it gave me the courage to finish something that's long over-due. I went  to a nurse and she called the Police for me, I told them that two years ago I'd disclosed the beginning of the trauma, and now I was willing to finish it. Tell them everything. They told us they'd be out at 4pm.
I spent the day in groups, keeping busy and feeling sick with nervous energy. When the Police came it was a male PC but a female NA sat in with me. He asked some questions that weren't too difficult and then told me it would be passed to my local Police as it occurred in their area and they dealt with the first report. He promised to return Friday to let me know what their decision on.
I went to my room, alone and cried hysterically. I wanted to self-harm to prove how much damage talking about all of that had done to me but instead, I took some deep breaths and got some PRN (two Lorazepam) from a nurse. Then I went back to my room and continued crying, I was sitting on the bathroom floor when things got worse. Annie (one of the voice I hear) started saying I shouldn't have told the police because I brought what happened on myself and that I deserved it and now I was getting someone in trouble for something that was my fault. I was sitting on the bathroom floor when suddenly a ton of rabbits jumped onto my legs with they muddy paws going everywhere! I stifled a scream and jumped in the shower (which is always freezing the first time it goes on) and then I sat in the puddle of water and cried, proper big sobs before pressing my patient call by the toilet. The staff came in, and they comforted me until I was ready to move, they agreed on one of them standing in my room while I showered properly and then I said she could go but suddenly my room was filled with rabbits so I ran out to find one of the staff and she came and stamped her feet all over the floor then I had to check they were all gone, she held my hand and said I was shaking and I thought 'obviously; they're bloody scary rabbits!' They were gone and the Lorazepam was kicking in so she tucked me into bed and I cried again and told her it hurt to be awake, after talking about all that I had, it hurt. She hugged me and left then within ten minutes I got up, everything was too loud to sleep.
The girl I'm closest to popped her head around the door and I told her what had been going on and then I realised I felt a lot calmer now so perhaps I could take the Olanzapine (anti-psychotic) because I was calm enough not to self-harm if Annie started shouting at me for taking meds. The first dose didn't work so after Reflection, I took another 2.5mg and so far, so good. It's taken all of my meds but I'm finally stable.

I'm proud of myself for speaking to the police and proud of myself for taking meds, I'm disappointed I couldn't fight it alone but I shouldn't really expect myself to this early into the admission and treatment.