Tuesday, 11 June 2013

And Then He Claimed Innocence

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

So, it's been almost a week since I last wrote a blog post and it's been a rough one. Last week my Mum told me the police had been to see her about my 'trauma' and that the other person involved (this is really hard to explain without just outright saying it) has claimed to be innocent. It's been difficult to hear. It's alright for them to deny the whole thing happened because I can't. I can't forget what happened to me or move on. The one reassurance I have is that the Police are still investigating it which gives me hope that they haven't just taken the denial as fact; they still believe me and they still want to prove me right. The annoying part has been others trying to reassure me (I had a massive 1:1 with a Nurse after the news because my Mum had warned her what she was going to tell me) and saying that what goes around comes around but when another is telling you that in this type of situation it just feels like absolute bullshit.
Ultimately, the main problem and result of this news has been it making me feel suicidal. In the Community, before this Hospital, I've only felt suicidal about three times; the first time I had to be blue lighted to recuss, the second I was sedated with ketamine to have a central line fitted and the third time I was put on a ventilator. I say only because there are girls in here that feel suicidal every single night so I've been lucky really. There's been a number of times when I've overdosed and thought I wanted to be dead but once the voices had quietened and I'd gotten myself help, I realised I'd just wanted them to shut up! But now, my mood is so low and all I can think about is death. Killing myself, in fact. I feel like there's no point in continuing if I'm never going to be able to prove what has happened; it's not enough for staff and family and friends to believe me. I want this person punished like I am being. I feel like such a bad person for all the lies I've told people to be able to self-harm and all the worry I've caused people from my overdosing and I feel as though I've been punished enough for that. I don't want this any more. You shouldn't feel like your life is a punishment.

Today, a Doctor cornered me and she made this gesture where she pointed at herself and then at me and at the meeting room and I said 'speak' and she said "no; you're going to speak. To me. Later." So we went into the quiet room after groups and she asked what was bothering me at the moment; apparently she didn't know about the police thing so I had to tell her. She repeated what a Nurse had said to me that this person will get what's coming to them. Then she quizzed me about my thoughts of suicide and I told her I felt like I was standing on a bridge and she said the staff were all there to stop me from jumping. I told her I felt like I was fighting two battles; one with the voices and the other against the 'trauma' and now I feel like I've lost the one against the voices and I'm losing the other. I told her how loud the voices are now and how I've struggled with the rabbits (I had to run into the shower the other day in my clothes cuz they were all running around muddy) and she said they'll probably sort out my anti-psychotic tomorrow in that case (I'm coming off the Aripiprazole after it caused the pancreatitis). I tried to explain that the voices are telling me not to take another one but she said it's just so that they can get stronger and that it's not me talking it's them. She said she wished they'd never took me off the Olanzapine but I refuse to go back on that one; it made me fat!!!!
So, once again it looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep but hopefully once the meds are sorted things will pick up again. I can only hope. . .