These past few days have been pretty damn horrendous to say the least... Just when I thought I'd gotten over my difficulty with eating another problem comes along!
With the food, I gave myself a stern talking to after staff old me that if my BMI kept dropping I'd be taken to the local medical hospital and force fed. I didn't want that; that wasn't why I wasn't eating. But I knew if it went on much longer then there could be a strong possibility it would happen. So I stopped. It was hard- very hard, but it slowly got easier.
I had a 1:1 with a Doctor and we talked about my feelings of suicide and then as I walked out of the session and down the corridor to my room, I heard this man's voice say "you shouldn't have talked to her. She'll use it all against you." I very nearly shit my pants! His name was Henry and he is the fourth voice in as many years. When it came to medication time, I'd been listening to him for a good few hours and had deduced that the meds were actually poison so I put my anti-psychotic under my tongue and hid it in my bedroom. I later went back to a nurse and said "if I tell you something do you promise not to make a fuss?" I told her I'd started hearing a new voice and she asked a few questions about him before saying she'd tell the Doctor tomorrow. The entire next day I panicked about what the Doctor would do since she'd already talked about increasing my meds in our 1:1 but she saw me outside the staff office and merely said "why aren't you smiling?" I told her she knew why and she asked if it was 'still bad' I said "yes" and she walked off! I realised a part of me had hoped to have a chat to make some sense of things and I was actually quite upset when she didn't even bother making a plan with me.
Then, yesterday, there were a lot of rabbits (visual hallucination) on my bedroom floor and for the past week whenever I've seen them I've just told myself they're not real, they aren't there over and over again. So I did it last night and I needed the loo and I told myself 'I'm not going to step over them because they aren't real' so I went to walk through one and tripped up. I had ballet shoes on and felt the fur on the top of my foot as I face-planted the floor (genuinely thought I'd broke my nose!). Straight away, Henry was telling me that all the staff had lied to me when they said the rabbits were hallucinations; they weren't - they were real. I think, if I couldn't hear Henry I probably would've gone straight to staff and told them what'd happened and how scared I was. As it was though, I isolated myself all night, avoided staff, barely spoke to my Mum and had an early night. I felt completely betrayed and let-down. I think, I just wanted a break from my own mind so I fell into Henry's and got myself lost in his beliefs and paranoid thoughts. Today though, I realised I couldn't continue my holiday because it was worrying people. One of the staff came into my room to check my mirrors and window were still intact and she asked what was wrong; I told her I wasn't allowed to talk to staff any more so she went to a nurse, concerned so then the nurse came to my room and asked to speak to me; I could've so easily refused but I went with her to the Dining Room and we talked about the rabbits and how I didn't want to speak to staff anymore. As I started voicing Henry's thoughts I began to realise how ridiculous they sounded, and the nurse pointed out the staff had nothing to gain by telling me the rabbits weren't there. She also said we had to figure out why my 'symptoms' were getting worse and said she didn't think it was good idea for me to stay in my room all day and to speak to her or take PRN whenever I needed to.
