Wednesday, 24 July 2013

My First Flashback

So, today I had my first flashback. The worst part is, I remember every minute of it.
Things started getting difficult when I woke up from my lunchtime nap (I know, I'm an OAP) and felt even worse than when I'd gone to sleep and it usually makes me feel better. Then, in the group after lunch, our OT announced she was moving to Australia at the end of next month and all I could think was 'everyone who has any faith in me is leaving me' and I had the voices telling me it was all my fault; that they were leaving because of me. The OT was leading the next group and she started telling more of the patients about her announcement and the voices got louder so I started crying then one of the other girls led me out of the room and to get PRN. The Doctor came out of the office with one of the nurses and asked to speak to me but I told them I just wanted meds and the nurse said I couldn't have them unless I spoke to the Doctor so I walked off to my room. I cried for a bit before finding the courage to demand my meds then I went back and got my anti-psychotic. I tried to go to sleep before I remembered we had Self-Harm Management Group and I went to sit in the sitting room to wait for it to start when the Doctor came and waved me out. We went into the meeting room and she kept asking questions about what the voices were saying to me and how I felt and even though they were the usual, average questions it felt like a massive pressure and it was all too much. I got the feeling that the other person involved in my 'trauma' was standing behind me and I kept looking around and the Doctor was saying I was scaring her because she'd never seen me like that. Then she asked if I'd be safe if she let me go and I said 'yes' so I ran all the way to my room, locked the door and put my mattress up at it. I was in my bathroom having a bit of a panic attack when I suddenly decided I needed the girl I was closest to so I went and got her out of group and tried to explain that I was getting confused about why this person was here. Then I started getting really confused; I was in High School when the 'trauma' happened and it felt like the 'me' from then and the one now were fighting over who had my body and I couldn't understand where I was or when it was. My friend helped me go for more meds and for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to sit on the floor in the corridor with the rabbits (visual hallucination) and the Doctor came. My friend helped me the rest of the way to my room and the Doctor brought some ice because the best way to come out of a flashback is through sensation. I finally drifted off to sleep and they left my room. When I woke up a little later it felt like when I've been sedated and  haven't been able to remember the time just before being sedated. Everything was a bit hazy.
At dinner I checked if my obs had been changed, expecting them to have been increased but the nurse explained there was no reason to because he said considering it was my first flashback and how bad it was, I managed it well and kept safe.