So,
sometimes I’m not sure why I’m doing this; I can’t decide if I want to die…
It’s as though I do and then sometimes I’ll just make plans for the future or
get excited for something in the future and I have to check myself. Every time
I ‘slip up’ I ask myself “is what I was talking about, a reason not to do it?”
and the answer is always ‘no.’ But then I wonder if I was properly suicidal…
Why would I still speak about the future?
I think a big reason I’m doing this is because recently I’ve had so little control over people’s views and comments made about me. I’m not sure if I’ve even decided whether I’ll overdose or not… I think that every time I get two tablets back to my room it’s like a little bit of control is back in my hands. Maybe I’m doing this to prove I can. To feel like I’m winning this game. Because that’s how I see it, sometimes. As a game. I guess I do say often enough about the ‘teams’ and that no one is on mine. Well, no one other than Albert, Annie, Harry, Henry and Allie. It’s us against you all and every time I do something to cause myself harm I feel like I’ve scored a point. The ultimate win would be suicide then.
I think a big reason I’m doing this is because recently I’ve had so little control over people’s views and comments made about me. I’m not sure if I’ve even decided whether I’ll overdose or not… I think that every time I get two tablets back to my room it’s like a little bit of control is back in my hands. Maybe I’m doing this to prove I can. To feel like I’m winning this game. Because that’s how I see it, sometimes. As a game. I guess I do say often enough about the ‘teams’ and that no one is on mine. Well, no one other than Albert, Annie, Harry, Henry and Allie. It’s us against you all and every time I do something to cause myself harm I feel like I’ve scored a point. The ultimate win would be suicide then.
Another
factor in my decision and the ongoing mental debate is just how bad my head
actually is at the minute. It’s not a nice place to be and I feel as though I
can’t tell anyone because I’m now on such a high dose of my anti-psychotic and
I’m worried if I tell people they’re still loud, I’m hearing more things, I’m
having strange thoughts planted in my brain they’ll question why when I’m on
medication. Or they’ll increase the medication. Some of the strange thoughts
I’m having are that this isn’t really my life. This is just some sort of game
and that I’m on a sort of Big Brother style show where people are deciding what
happens to me so they can watch me fall apart and laugh. And when I kill
myself, the show is over. I sometimes think that to get into my proper life I
have to die.
I’m feeling
fairly hopeless at the minute too; even the anti-depressant doesn’t seem to
make a massive difference. And every time I think I’m making progress I take
about three steps back. It’s ironic really, that while I’m storing tablets I
can also think of myself as making progress.
Please
say she’ll break, please say she’ll change – The Vamps, Can We Dance
It’s the 10th
today and I now have twenty two tablets stored up. Yesterday, I had to pause
and think things through because when I got two in the morning, my Key Nurse called
me back to ask if I’d took them so I realised I had to be careful for taking
any when she does meds. Part of me thought I should try and get more off her
with a bit of hope that she’d catch me and put a stop to the plan… But in the
end, I remembered how much happier I am knowing that I have some power now so I
only got four yesterday.
Today, I had
a really good 1:1 with the Psychologist and to be honest, it has made me reconsider my
decision. She told me how well I was doing and how proud she was that I’d taken
on board what’s been said about my attitude and that she was getting good
reports from staff about me. It made me unsure that I’ve made the right
decision about overdosing; it’s going to disappoint everyone all over again. I
even went and bragged to my Key Nurse and my Mum about the 1:1 and found myself
talking about my future with my Mum. But even after all of that… I still went
and got two more paracetamol to hide. And I still carried on thinking of all
the bases I need to cover for this overdose to go off successfully. It’s like
the old days when once I’d made the decision to OD I didn’t ever back out. I
couldn’t. Even if things got better or something went well… It’s like in some
screwed-up way, I’d feel like a failure for backing out.
One thing
that’s changed is that I now dread 1:1s with the Psychologist, the Doctor and my Key Nurse because
all I want to do is tell them how crap I feel and that it’s so bad that I’m
contemplating an overdose. But then I remind myself that they’ll take the
tablets off me and if things get worse, I can’t do a damn thing about it.
At the
moment, I’m also liking the idea that they’re all saying how well I’m doing,
I’m going on overnight Home Leave this weekend and yet I’m hoarding tablets… I
think it might be the ultimate proof that no matter how well they think I am,
no matter how close they think I am to discharge; I’m not and I won’t be. It
might be the thing that makes them all give up… And part of me thinks that’s
the reason I’m still debating doing it.
Today is the
11th and I’m excited for going home this weekend! I had a rough 1:1
with the DBT Facilitator. I felt so let-down
and crap… My brain was so
confused that I was physically tired. But I showed the ultimate control when I
went back to my room and didn’t go straight for the tablets. I proved how well
I can control my overdoses and that though they appear to others to be the
ultimate loss of control… It’s actually, the exact opposite. I don’t know if
that’s worse though; if the fact they aren’t impulsive is worse than if they
were… I guess, if it were impulsive then I wouldn’t put much thought into it or
be able to stop them. Whereas, when I have the control I do… Well, I guess
people looking in would say that if I’m choosing to overdose I can also choose
not to. But maybe I’m not in control of the fact I’m going to overdose… No, because
I don’t often feel like I have any choice in whether I do it or not. But I can
control when it is, how it’s done… So, impulsively swallowing the twenty eight
pills I have would be a loss of control. Again.
The one bad
thing about going home for the weekend, is that I won’t be able to store any
more until Sunday night!
Shit! I
think the Doctor is onto me! She came in my room earlier and I basically told her
I’ll be killing myself soon. And then I just went for meds and she’s wrote
‘liquid only’ on my chart next to paracetamol. . . Hopefully, people will just
give me it without realising… Fuck. Now my mind’s racing with what I could do
if they refuse to give me the pills now…
I could tell them I don’t like the orange one and that it’s just while
they’re using that… Or I could tell the Doctor that I found out the pills are
smaller than I thought and that I can manage them so she can take off the note
on the chart… Or I could just ask the shitty staff when they’re doing meds; the
staff who won’t notice or care… I haven’t got nearly enough to overdose on what
I have… I need more!
Today is the
13th and I just got back from my weekend at home. I can’t decide how
I feel. When I first got home all I could think was how I felt like a visitor
and I worried that even if I got better here, I wouldn’t feel like I belonged
in the community. It convinced me I really do need to take this OD and then I
was feeling bad because I knew that I had to spend these two days without being
able to save up any pills. I also was wishing I’d started saving them up sooner
so that I could’ve overdosed on the home leave because I was triggered so badly
with the High School year book and I thought at least if I did it then people
would completely understand. But, not only did I not take the tablets, there
wasn’t enough anyway so I totally played down how triggered I was and barely
even mentioned it when my Key Nurse checked in on me. When really, all I wanted to do
was break down in tears and hurt myself. A lot. But I did protect myself by
taking my Zopiclone so that I was protected from nightmares. And even when I started properly settling
in and enjoying the leave I was still thinking of the overdose and even found a
sim card for when I do my running away plan and I found a sharp that I brought
back. Then, once I’d unpacked it became my priority to get some paracetamol to
add to the store. Although, I’ve started properly thinking about when I’m going
to do it… I thought the sooner the better so that I could have leave back for
Christmas but then I thought I should do it once I know if I’ve got the job at
River Island because I’d hate to OD and lose the leave to get the job… People
underestimate just how difficult this process is… Although, in the community it
wasn’t like this.