I've just had a chat with the best-friend and my Mum and decided to blog about it.
Today, I went for a job interview at a nearby city. One of the NAs drove us and my Associate Nurse was my escort. We had a giggle in the car because the Nurse and I have a similar sense of humour but then everything got stressful because the city has a one-way system and there were lots of diversions for Remembrance Sunday, the SatNav directed us to this one junction where it said to turn right but you couldn't so we kept driving and it took us all the way back to that same junction and gave the same directions! The Nurse called the place the interviews were being held in and explained we were running late then the NA dropped us at the train station and we used an app on the Nurses' phone to get to the Hotel. It was a bit funny as we crossed the road and a cyclist was coming at us; we couldn't decide whether to risk running to try and make it across or just stop in the middle of the road... We ended up somewhere in between by still moving but slowly! The cyclist nearly ran the Nurse down!
Anyway, the interview went well in that I managed to give quite good answers for each question and I felt like I'd tried my best... I'm unsure that I'll get the actual job I applied for though as the interviewer asked if I'd consider another role within the same department.
After the interview, the Nurse and I went to a nearby train station to make it easier for the staff picking us up and we had lunch at McDonalds. I got some good news too (since it involves another person I don't want to write what it actually was without their permission)... I was saying to the Nurse and my Mum that it was the best day ever but somewhere, deep down... It felt forced; like I didn't mean it and it wasn't genuine.
The city my interview was in is one that I've ran away to a number of times and the train station is where I've taken overdoses and been found a number of times. Basically, everywhere we went in the train station had a memory... There was a Boots where I'd bought tablets, a stationary shop where I'd bought a notebook to write a suicide note in, a card shop where I'd bought my Mum an apology card, an M&S where I'd stocked up on food, a McDonalds where a policeman had took me to wait for an ambulance, an area of floor where I'd passed out and a cubicle in the toilets where I'd swallowed handfuls of pills.
The Nurse and I were sat waiting for an NA to pick us up and I told her that it was weird that even though all this good stuff had happened, if she asked me to wait there while she went to the loo I would be off! I told my best-friend it's a good job that it was the Nurse it was because I knew I didn't have a chance if I did try (though, in the past I probably would've still given it a go).
Once we got back to the Hospital it felt like a weight off that I could feel everything properly since before the interview and while we were there I was worried that feeling things would stop me being able to do the actual interview. It felt like an achievement too that I'd actually managed to go because as my Mum said, I often jeopardise (subconsciously) opportunities like that. My Mum also spoke more sense (a rare experience) when she said that perhaps I feel like this now because I think I don't deserve the good things that have happened to me today. It's just quite shit because you feel horrible when all the bad stuff is going on and then something good finally comes along and you can't even feel it properly! It makes me wonder what the point is...
