[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]
Today, I finally allowed the Ward Doctor to have a 1:1 with me! I told her that I'd decided not to have a properly deep conversation with anyone but her and the Psychologist so that I wouldn't be constantly struggling, I could be how I wanted between sessions but during them I'd be completely truthful and tell them everything. It might seem to people that this isn't 'healthy' perhaps and that I'm running away from or I'm in denial about things for the majority of the time. But it's safe and I'm happy with it; also, it seems to be working pretty well so I reckon I'll stick to it for the time being.
She was very suspicious of my happy mood because, as she said, I've seemed this happy and positive before but it's been because I have a plan. She was right so I decided not to even try and lecture her about having some faith in me because I know that I haven't exactly done a lot to earn their trust. I knew my words won't change her mind so I acted... I gave her the folder.
About 12months ago, after I seen what lengths they go to down here when you go AWOL, I created a folder that I hid under my tops in my wardrobe. The staff knew it existed but they never read it. In it, were cards with appropriate song lyrics, a message to Police, a list of my 'greatest hits' (the best moments in my life), a list of reasons why I deserved to die, a list of why I don't deserve help and also a number of goodbye letters.
I told the Doctor I didn't need it any more. I used to view plans to run or OD as a 'safety net' and reassurance that no matter how bad things got I always had an escape clause. But while I have that sort of belief I will never get better. Instead, I have changed it to thinking that no matter how bad things get, I can get through it because I want what's on the other side. I want my own place. I want my kitten called Dolly. I want to go into fashion. I want more memories with my Mum. And, a box of paracetamol will not get me that.
