[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm and suicidal ideation]
Today I begun Psychology.
I tried sessions with the old Psychologist that was here when I first came but then he left after we'd met about three times. Since then, I've only seen the Assistant Psychologist. At first I was a bit annoyed because it didn't feel like there was much point in me being here since everyone said that it would trauma therapy which would make me better. But when I think about it, I think it came at the right time because I have finished DBT now so I have all of the skills if I need them after sessions. I'm also in a much better place; I'm ready to do the hard work and I want to get better, as well as having a support system in place with my family, Chelsea, the other girls and the staff. And, my medication seems to be doing it's job.
Whilst I worked with the Assistant Psychologist the plan was to wait until the Clinical Psychologist was hired as the one we already had working was a Forensic one. But then the new one was male and I'd already spoke to the Forensic one going through my magazines and sharing fashion interests etc. So, I'm seeing her as she also has experience with PD's (Personality Disorders).
At lunch, I was sickly and had stomach cramps. Sometimes I've had these pains or vomiting and they've found nothing wrong and mental health professionals have wondered if some of it is psychosomatic (because sometimes there's genuinely been something wrong). So, I told myself that it might just be stress or nerves for Psychology, put some comfy clothes on and got a hot water bottle then went to the session. I was so glad I had because it was amazing! I'd been a bit worried because people have always said how hard it will be and that it might make it worse before it makes it better so I panicked I'd lose my leave. And also, I was a bit worried that everyone's pinning their hope on this and the Psychologist and what if it went bad or I didn't like her?!
We begun with her asking where I'd like to begin and I told her how during my 'trauma' I'd learnt that "no one cares until there's something wrong." She told me that was the main part of Psychology; looking at your beliefs and then developing new ones so she asked what function that belief served and we formed a diagram, or 'formulation' which is basically the cycle I go in...
It begins with me needing to feel wanted and cared for as I feel lonely and sad. Which then presents as physical pain that makes me think 'they'll notice me now' or 'if they really care they'll do something' and 'if they don't respond then it's proof they don't care.' This will result in me going to A&E which has a lot of negative things; needles, examinations, waiting time and I'm putting myself in a risky situation by being somewhere I can easily go AWOL. This makes me feel sad and think that they've missed the point. Whether I'm admitted to a ward or discharged back to this Hospital, I'll feel stupid and ashamed for not knowing what's going on with my own body and I still feel lonely and sad... Then the cycle goes on.
That feeling of not knowing what's going on with my body reminded me of my 'trauma' and how I didn't really know the name of what was happening to me and all I wanted was an explanation so that I'd know how to get help. But I couldn't so I'd scratch my arms to make people realise...
It's all connected and it wasn't sad to realise that; I wasn't upset that something that happened six years ago is still affecting me to the extent of me being in a cycle and having this belief that people only care when something's wrong.
It felt like she'd put on a light on inside my head and brushed a few cobwebs away!
