[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]
So, it was my second Psychology session today and although I was eager to get into it; I was a little sceptical that it'd be as successful as the first one; I didn't want to get my hopes up. But it was!
In the past, all of my Psychologists have said that they want me to raise the things I want to talk about and I've always said to them that I wouldn't do that; that I wasn't comfortable sitting there and just talking about myself and that I need prompts and for them to ask questions about things to get me talking. Except, with this Psychologist I've got loads of ideas of things that I want to talk about and at the moment, I think that's because of a mix between liking her and the place I'm in now that I know I need to talk about everything to get better.
So, she told me at the start of the session she wants me to be in control and asked how things were going at the minute and I told her I was struggling with the staff doubting my mood. We talked about how the Dr had asked me if I was making a fuss about this Christmas because it would be my last one and she agreed with me that it's normal to want a good Christmas. Then she asked if I could apply what was going on to the formulation we'd drew up last week. And I said I could if my happiness was as the staff suspect in that it was because I was planning an OD or to go away because it was similar to the physical thing in that I'd act a certain way to get them to realise things and they'd always miss the point. I told her how when I'm happy because I'm making plans they don't realise and I manage to do it, and when I'm genuinely happy everyone is suspicious! Then I was telling her about my last OD and how I'd told staff that I wanted to prove no matter how confident they were that I was doing well, I wasn't. We realised I'd sort of shot myself in the foot but when I'd said it, I didn't think I would ever be happy again or ever not want to make plans. The Psychologist told me that it seems the staff and I are at opposites and they're always getting the important bits wrong and because I struggle to tell people what I want or need when I'm feeling that awful, I can't just outright tell them they're wrong.
And then we got onto this belief I have that people only care when something's wrong and how I'd never really noticed that I was loved or cared for until people were worrying about me. The Psychologist explained that this is part of schemas in which you have a belief and it's like wearing rose-tinted glasses because you only see or hear things that will fit in with your belief. It's like a natural reaction to ignore the things that might prove you wrong so you make everything fit in to your belief. So, she set me the homework of writing all of the things that enforced my belief and then I have to write an alternative belief and write things that support that and undermine the old one.
I said "that's so messed up that I can only see people care about me when they're worried" and she told me that was the first step to changing things; acknowledging it was wrong.
She's going to come to my next Ward Round (Monday) to tell them about the patterns we're noticing so that they know I've realised what I'm doing and that I'm trying to change it.