I'm writing this from home; borrowed Mum's laptop to save the trouble of having to get mine out of security when I get back to the Hospital later on tonight.
So, my leave has been really lovely and then I went in the bath last night and I'm not sure how it came about... I burst out crying. My absolutely everything hurt. Physically and emotionally. It felt like being closer to the place my 'trauma' occurred was breaking me. It felt as though all of the hurt I felt there and then was somehow leaking into me again. As though it'd been stored up in the place it happened and could somehow leak out and into my body when I was close enough to it. I was in the bath (a place my voices have tried to drown me) and I had a razor... I called for my Mum. She thought I'd done something because she's so used to me being upset, self-harming and then calling for help. But I'd called for her first and she was so pleased - obviously not with the fact I'd needed to call for her and that I had racoon eyes (apparently my mascara is not tear-proof). But she was amazing; she said all the right things. She said what I was thinking that perhaps it was happening now because I talk a lot more and have talked a lot more about the 'trauma' and all of the complicated and contradictory feelings I had during and after it. When it first finished I was so scared to feel any of the feelings I knew were coming; I thought they'd kill me. Not literally, exactly, but that the emotions would be so overwhelming that I wouldn't want to be here and feel them. So I numbed myself. With piles of school-work. With alcohol. With unhealthy eating habits and when that all became useless and no longer served it's purpose the self-harming began. Sometimes, I would have numbed myself so much in overdosing, and then being judged by staff at the hospital, having a million needles and the sickness from the treatment, being restrained by Police or security staff, having my mental health assessed, disappointing and upsetting the people who love me most, that I stopped liking it. I started feeling too numb; I felt untouchable and invincible and it scared me that I couldn't feel even the positive emotions properly so then I'd put my pain on the outside to try to break a few walls inside, around my heart. Now, my walls have been pretty much bombed to smithereens and I know that feelings come and go. They can't kill you unless you let them. And if you just... Ride it out, it will stop and won't keep hurting as much. Then each time it does hurt, it will hurt a little bit less and it'll be a little bit easier. And since my defences are 'weak' now, everything is just flooding in and it's a bit of a shock to the system.
My Mum comforted me and stayed near-by while I bathed and I felt a lot calmer and reassured. I decided to take my sleeping tablet last night just as a protective factor to ensure there were no nightmares that might have impacted on today.
When I get back to the Hospital, I'm going to speak to the Psychologist, DBT facilitator and Ward Doctor about beginning my exposure therapy in going nearer and nearer to the location of my 'trauma' and then the pain will be even less when I'm the three miles away at my home. In the past, if I hadn't self-harmed at home after that it would've been because I was planning something for my return to the Hospital. And I'm not. And I don't even feel I need to. I don't want to either; I want to talk through it and make the situation better not just get rid of it in avoidance. I want to feel every single emotion that I should have been feeling this entire time. I want to get through it all and put an end to this thing once and for all.
