Friday, 28 March 2014

What's In My Way?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my discharge. At my last CPA (Care Programme Approach) in November my Consultant estimated it could be another nine months before I could be safely discharged...
I started buying things for my own place when I get discharged, I even have colour schemes for each room and I have some lovely things for the kitten I plan on buying! I've begun applying to courses at colleges back near home as I plan on moving that way when I get discharged. And I've even made some connections with mental health people back up North in preparation for my job search!

All of these preparations have helped to excite me about my future and remind me how badly I want it but now it's time to think what's stopping me. What are the things that are still in my way, preventing me from discharge?
  1. The voices; I'd prefer it if they were very quiet or non-existent upon discharge
  2. The rabbits; if they can't go completely then I'd like to be able to manage them, no matter how many there are
  3. When the opportunity arises my first thought is to run or self-harm, if it can't change then I'd like to be 100% confident that I can keep myself safe no matter what
  4. I have things from my past that need to be worked on
Yesterday, it was Ward Round and I asked for my unescorted leave back, telling them that I feel that is the biggest thing slowing down my discharge. My Doctors disagreed. The Ward Doctor didn't think I was ready to be having my unescorted and my Consultant thinks we're still 'miles away' from discharge.  They both told me not to rush things and I was just sat there thinking "why the hell would I want to prolong my stay here?!" I got really upset in the end and it wasn't so much with the fact I wasn't getting the unescorted back but how far away our opinions were. It's so frustrating that no one is bothered when I'm planning things but when I'm actually getting better and have no plans and no desire to make any, everyone is suspicious. I just want to be out of here already and living!