Thursday, 27 March 2014

♪ say something; I'm giving up on you, and I, will swallow my pride, you're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye ♪

I saw you. I was right there and you didn't even realise. How could you not sense how close I was?
You remind me of this boy I like because it's like no matter how much he hurts me my heart still goes back to him. I know you've hurt me a lot differently but it's annoying that the two guys I like the most are the ones who have hurt me the worst. But I guess this is normal with lots of girls who stay in detrimental relationships?
Anyway, I decided to take the confident, independent woman approach with the other boy and cut him out of my life, I hoped it would mean he had less power over me and my heart. It hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped but it has helped. And it made me think this is what I need to do with you but it's a lot harder to cut someone out of your life who isn't even physically in it. I write these notes as though you can read them, but you can't and you probably never will. So what's the point? What is the point in thinking about you? Writing for you? Missing you? Loving you? Hating you? Defending you? Criticizing you? It isn't going to make me a better person. It isn't going to stop me from wanting to be dead sometimes. It isn't going to give me my future any quicker. And it definitely isn't going to get any kind of response from you.
So, this is it. I'm done with you. I'm thinking of this as a divorce (not sure whether that's right or wrong but I'm doing this the way I need to and want to) in that I'm moving on from you without forgetting about you. Don't get me wrong; I wish I could forget you but I know that wouldn't be helpful to me. And I tried to do that once upon a time and it wasn't worth it. The little break I had with you out of my head and heart wasn't worth the pain I suffered when you reappeared. I can't ever forget again though; I've remembered too much now.
So from now on, the only time you will be in my head is when I have to discuss and work through the past. You will never be in my heart. And you will never be in my future.
Goodbye.