Tuesday, 8 April 2014

The Early Death Belief

I had Psychology today and it was so useful that I thought I'd share it with you all.
It begun with a few giggles about how I hadn't realised  the Psychologist is pregnant even though she's got like a month left!
She begun the session by saying how she'd heard that I've had a lot going on recently and that it seems to have gotten bad since visiting the place of my trauma. I told her how I would agree but it's strange because at the time, on the day, I thought it'd gone really well... She spoke about how I'd been really strong before it and that they needed to build me up to that again. I wasn't to chuffed with that. I told her that I'm still strong, if not, stronger.
I told her how I've fought against my recent thoughts, plans and opportunities and told her how I've managed to do this because I don't want to die. I told her that I feel I've well and truly worked on that part of me and I can't imagine ever wanting to die again and the only thing left that has the chance to spur me on to do that is this belief that I'm going to die young.
So we worked on that. She wrote down my belief and asked me what percentage of me believes it. I picked 75% and she said she was encouraged by the 25% and that what we need to do is work on the 25% and help strengthen and increase it.
So she had me think about evidence that supports my belief that I will die young (young being before 25) and here's what I came up with:
  • If I've had as much help as I have - and I still think this, it must be true
  • It's my destiny
  • It's only by chance that I'm still here
  • I 'just know'
  • I can't imagine my future
  • I shouldn't have to work this hard to have a future; I shouldn't have to try for it
  • Other people don't have this struggle
And then she had me think of evidence against the belief:
  • I've tried lots of times (to end my life) before but I'm still here
  • Other people have struggled but have moved on and are now successful e.g. Ian Callaghan
  • I do want my future - I want my flat, with my things in it, and my kitten
  • I'm going to try so hard to make it happen
  • I'm going to keep myself safe - physical health and emotional/mental health
  • My Mum doesn't believe I'll die young
  • I'm keen to look at getting books published - become a writer/author
  • I've applied for more College courses for September
  • If it was my destiny I would want it and would be working to achieve it
  • I'm working to achieve my future
  • If it happens it won't be my fault
  • I want to believe it's not true
So then we came up with a new belief to replace the old one: destiny is NOT set in stone - it can be flexible. And the Psychologist explained how my original belief is like wearing rose-tinted glasses in that it affects the way you see things so I will tend to focus on things that support the belief and ignore those that contradict it. She told me to think of the old belief as a wall and that we need to make cracks in it.
I was happy with how our session went; I felt it was really productive and beneficial and this was enforced when I told my Mum about it all and she cried with happiness that I'm working so hard on getting better and that I want to live.