Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Do I or Don't I?

 
The post begins on this:
 
 
Today, I have had to make a decision that I'd hoped I'd never be faced with; I'm not stupid, I knew a time would come when I'd have to re-evaluate the blog but I really didn't expect it to come about the way it has. I've been told that the other person involved in my 'trauma' - the person I can't name because he's not BIG enough to own up to his mistakes-  has been made aware of my blog. I didn't know what to do, I knew I needed to speak to the Doctor but I was told she wasn't in so I was given 1mg Lorazepam and then the Doctor appeared! I tried to talk to her but she was asking questions I couldn't answer about the part of the situation that wasn't a problem! She asked what this all meant to me and I told her, "it means he'll know what he's done to me. And he still won't care. And I can't even control what he finds out because it's all there." This sent my brain ticking and then the anger came, for ages I have asked the staff to let me communicate with this person and if they'd let me do that then this wouldn't have happened. The Doctor told me that maybe it was meant to happen. I pushed her away, was given another mg of Lorazepam and the Doctor questioned whether I was trying to numb my feelings. "Sometimes that's the safest option" I took the tablet and went to my room, I lay on my bathroom floor, crying for twenty minutes. When I stood up there was an actual puddle of my tears. I felt so overwhelmed; a key trait for those with BPD who experience 'tidal waves' of emotions.
A lot helped me to make my decision:
  • I talked things through with my best-friend.
  • I listened to my 'angry' playlist.
  • I thought through what it would mean to remove my blog. What that would mean to me. I had to consider whether the potential hurt from the situation is worth me making a decision that would make me very unhappy. I love my blog. I love blogging. And I need it. I need to continue telling people that it's ok to talk about mental health. And I need to continue letting people see my journey. It would feel like an injustice to the blog's followers for me to just leave it.... Some of these people have been with me right from the start; even before the blog, and it would be unfair to not let you all stay with me until the end. Until I fully recover. Until I get discharged.
  • I questioned whether this is just another aspect of blogging that I have to accept.
  • I considered changing the web address but this person has already been the reason for my name change. One is enough. And my blog is stronger than I was then. I like to think of my blog as an extension of me... my Mum is happy with the progress I'm making at the minute because she said she feels like her Aimee is coming back. And that I'm back being the fighter she brought me up to be.
So, the blog will remain live. No one in this world would ever be a good enough reason for me to lose something so important to me. Seven years ago he scared me, seven years ago he left me with such horrible memories and feelings that I wanted to escape. At first, from reality in the days my voices begun and then, from life. He made me feel so much hurt that I thought I couldn't possibly live with it. I've tried to kill myself because of him. My blog being an extension on the NEW me, won't crumble so easily. Me and my blog will stand this test of our strength.
 
I welcome this person to my blog; I hope he does read every single word of it and I hope he is ashamed of himself for causing this. I hope it's embarrassing for him to say "I fucked with a CHILD so badly that they're in a psychiatric hospital." 
But the achievements? The fun times? The smiles and the laughs? The friendships that will never break? He had no part in them. I did. My future is a possibility because of me. I'm beating this BPD shit. The man who abused me? He fucked with the wrong child. Because look at who I've grown to become.  
 
And the post ends, on this....