Thursday, 17 April 2014

The 'Fucking' Easter Eggs

I was happy this morning when I was finally allowed out of my room after a bug meant I had to be barrier nursed (not allowed out of bedroom) for twenty four hours.
It suddenly felt like my home leave was even nearer and then to improve my mood even more, one of the girls gave me an Easter egg and my money went into my bank early!
Things started to go sour towards the evening, for a while the Doctor has been asking me to write about certain things and I haven't, and then after what happened yesterday I finally tried but it was unbelievably hard and then that was upsetting because I never struggle to write my feelings down; it's usually the other way around. So, I listened to my music last night and wrote down some lyrics that meant something and I gave the Doctor that. She then asked for 'the pink book' aka my diary! She put on this face and I ended up feeling mean for saying no so I went and checked there wasn't anything too incriminating in it then I gave her it. When I got back to my later a little later the diary was on my bedside table. I was upset because it felt like she'd just 'used' me. And it's like one of the girls said; it was really selfish of her; it was as though she were only interested in getting the notebooks. It would've been nice if she'd sat down with me to talk things through or even for her to have said thank you and that she'd speak to me another day.

And then, three staff came into my room to do a random room search and they told me they had to remove all of my food and drink. A while ago, it became a ward rule that you could only have a certain amount of food and drink in your bedroom but my Named Nurse and I agreed on a care plan because I worried that having to ask for my food would mean I'd be more conscious of what I was eating and that it would further reduce. So I was so upset that I'd kept everything in my room all this time and now they were taking it out. I spoke with my new Named Nurse who told me they hadn't been able to find any care plans for me to keep it and that even if they had she wouldn't agree with it because she wants to be monitoring my diet as she thinks it's quite poor.
I was so upset and so sick of crying that all of the old thoughts about all of the old usual responses came into my head. My brain was doing a million miles an hour trying to come up with plans to self-harm or run. The rational part in my head knew I couldn't do anything right there and then and I kept telling myself to remember this feeling but it didn't stay. I went and spoke to my Named Nurse about how I was glad the whole drama had actually happened because it's been the reminder I needed that these thoughts and feelings pass. And I know that I still have work to do because if I'd been in the community and had those thoughts, I think I might've carried them out purely because I would've had the opportunity. But at least I've come round to accept and understand the thinking behind the food thing and I'm not holding my frustration towards the Doctor because I have a lovely weekend ahead at home! I'm really just going to appreciate every single minute of it and make the most of my time with my Mum and cat and without the drama of the Hospital