Sunday, 4 May 2014

Home Leave Made My Mind Up

So on Friday (2nd) I went home for the weekend. For a little while (it feels like forever when you're going through it but in reality it was probably only a few days) I'd felt like an overdose was building up. It was as though my brain was thinking 'we haven't done that in a while; surely it's over-due?' I still didn't want to do it but the constant barrage from my head was wearing me down and so on Friday I decided that this home leave would help me decide what to do. In hindsight, I should know better now than to put so much on something- to expect so much from something, but it felt like the right decision. I guess in a way I was kind of falling back into old habits as I used to look for an excuse to overdose back in the community. I told myself that if this home leave went badly, was upsetting or whatever then I might not keep fighting so hard. Maybe, a part of me decided this because I didn't have high hopes for the leave; we're going through a lot in my little family at the moment and it was all building up to this one day (Saturday).
As it turned out, though, the leave went well! We (the family) all got together and it was as though nothing had really happened. And really, just seeing my Mum and being with her reminded me why I'm fighting. I have this belief that in the difficult days, it's acceptable to stay strong for the sake of others but ideally, it should be for yourself. I think it became about both again whilst I was at home.
And I've kept to my promise (even if it was to myself) and I'm back at Hospital and back fighting fit. Ready to take on any more things life throws at me. And if I begin to get tired, I know I'm going home in two weeks and all I have to do is get through things until then and my energy and fight will undoubtedly be renewed.
I also enjoyed meeting up with a friend who I hadn't seen a while. I'm not one for blaming my diagnosis but one of the symptoms is unsteady relationships. I think that where I am mentally impacts a lot on my relationships with people. I've had boy-friends and best-friends I've always drifted away from people; sometimes it's been because I don't want to put them through all of this, or because I've felt I couldn't confide in them, or I've needed to get my head straight and focus on that. Since I met Chelsea, I think I've re-evaluated a lot of my relationships because I've never loved a friend as much as I do, Chels. And also, there's the issue of me now knowing that I have a future and I need to properly think about what I want that to look like and who I would like to be a part of it. This friend I met with has always been a good support for me and I think we only drifted apart with me coming to this hospital because I didn't put the effort in to keep in touch. Now that I'm in a better place, mentally, I can do that now, and I will do it.